i've spent the last several mornings glued to the news as i get ready for work. it's so pathetic, my sitting there crying at the devastation while i drink my coffee in my nice warm house, getting ready for a pleasant day of helping people plan their vacations. it a bit sick, really and it feels criminal. there's so much that needs to be done in the aftermath of this tragedy, but i feel so unable to help. sometimes comfort should repulse us, and today mine does.
a week from tonight i'll be watching a new alias. isn't life good?
8 days until i go to europe. i'm getting sooo excited! i might never go to paris if my work wasn't paying for it, but they are, so i am. i have to admit there's nothing i'm especially dying to see there, so i think that will make the whole experience better. no outrageous expectations of parisian grandeur. we have an evening free in paris which i'm sure i'll need to spend alone in a peaceful place, as i will have been with colleagues non-stop for the previous 50+ hours. i wish there was a boiler room or house of prayer in paris, but a closet will due just fine.
the highlight of the trip will be meeting up with some friends in london. one of my friends, janelle, i met when i was 16. it was my first trip out of the country and her church hosted my youth group team. we've stayed in touch (nearly 14 years!), and she came out for bible college several years ago. we can always pick up exactly where we left off, which is why i can let myself be content with only having time for coffee and a little chat. i should be able to meet up with my friend pete as well. he's one of our 24-7 friends (www.24-7prayer.com) and still admits knowing us (the DHOP gang, that is) even after spending an afternoon with our jet-lagged zombie selves through the touristy bits of london, then driving with us to edinburgh the next day. frankly, i'm surprised he still speaks to us.
i just (finally) got some music i ordered before christmas. i'm too cheap to pay for express shipping, so i had to wait a bit longer since the ol' united states postal service was a bit backed up for the holidays. i now have the new u2 album, another travis album, a remastered andre crouch live album (from 1972, i think. it's awesome!), maroon 5's acoustic album and several others. i only had to pay about $4 a piece with shipping, so i couldn't pass that up.
i'm rambling a bit...another slow day at work. i'm gonna quit typing now.
this weekend was a remarkable reminder of the healing work God has done in my life in the last two years. to spend the whole of christmas day with my family and drive home at peace (in spite of some difficult moments) was amazing. it's awesome the way God gives us glimpses into ourselves to see that He really is doing a good work, and we really are becoming (even if ever so slowly and slightly) more like Him. to go through the holiday and not spend the next week with that overwhelmingly achey sense of sadness at the family I don't have is a wonderful new thing for me. it's beautiful the way the Father has always comforted me, but even more beautiful to be healed enough to laugh with Him about the awkward things and to be light of heart.
the thing that stood out the most to me this year is the 'family' of friends in which He's placed me. spending christmas eve with my friends was most definitely the highlight of the holiday. we had a huge dinner, hung out the whole evening and exchanged gifts. none of us come from functional families, so for us it was our 'real' christmas.
my friend rachael gave me one of the best christmas gifts i've ever received...pajamas. growing up my friends always got new jammies for christmas, but I never did. i always just got hand-me-down pj's from my older sisters. it always secretly disappointed me and was just one of those 'silly' things i hadn't thought much about in years and always downplayed to myself. they're just your basic flannel pj's, but rachael knew i'd never had new christmas jammies. funny how something so small can show so much love.
to paraphrase Shakespeare, 'from you i have been absent in this blog'. life just got too busy with the holiday. it's now christmas eve, and i'm at work. i've had one call in the 1½ hours i've been here, and we're closing at 3. yay!
christmas is always full of mixed emotion for me. family is always difficult, but it's easier than it used to be. i'm excited to see the kids tomorrow...that is, my sister's 4. jaina(9), max(7), titus(5) and loryn(almost 2) are the funniest and most beautiful kids i know. there's no sweeter sound than their voices raised in a chorus of "auntie sheeberry! auntie sheeberry!" whenever they see me.
i put stockings together for everyone this year. it was supposed to be a way for me to simplify the gift-giving process, since i had about 25 people to 'gift'. i don't know that i really saved any time or money, but i think i got things for people they'll really like. it's not like they'd tell me if i didn't...
i'm already planning my trip for september. i'm going to do a boiler room tour (check out www.24-7prayer.com if you don't know what a boiler room is). i think i'm going to start in germany, go through spain, france and britain and fly home from london. i'll only have 3 weeks, so i can't go everywhere. i want to really absorb the places i do visit, and not spread myself too thin. i have a free eurailpass from work that i'll be using to get around. free air, free railpass and 3 of my hotel nights free. God is really hookin' me up on this one. i just have to be patient (something i'm not good at) until september makes it's way around.
i'm gonna go sign cards now. Merry Christmas!
it's just after 2 am and i'm up blogging. but what alot i have to write about. tonight (i think it was last night since this is now this morning) we had our company christmas party. it was a roller-coaster end to a crazy week. this week i had all the fam/vacation time drama, and then had to realize that if God allowed me to be chosen for the trip but didn't open up the other time off He must have something else in mind and i'd better make myself available for that.
i also had the drama this week of trying to extract my settlement check from my insurance (which i now have in my hot little hands) and trying not to stress out about how long it will be until i can pay the body shop guy. it's been a bit crazy.
so i go to my work party, and finally they start giving out prizes about 9 pm. i had planned to leave at 8 to go to the DHOP meeting we had tonight, but decided to stick it out through the prize drawing. they gave away gift certificates and that sort of thing, then they announced they were going to draw names for round-trip air and 3 nights hotel anywhere our company books in latin america. of course they didn't draw my name. i took a second to talk some sense into myself and decided i was not going to win anything and i should just have fun and not worry about it.
i was only half listening when they announced they were drawing for europe round-trip air and 2 nights hotel. we were laughing about how the lady who won the latin american tickets was acting like a contestant on the price is right. she was jumping up and down and waving her arms while all 120+ of us were screaming and cheering...which all had a direct link to how much free alcohol they'd given us so far. while i was still laughing about that they drew my name! so what did i do? that's right- i jumped up and down like a sissy fool and screamed and waved my arms. people were hugging me and patting me on the back like i won an olympic medal. it was over the top!
so i'm going to europe for 3 weeks late september-early october with air, railpass and some hotel paid. isn't that amazing?
i think i might be. i don't mean to be. i'm just so disappointed that my management won't give me any time off before or after the dates of the trip, so i can't see any of my UK friends unless they come by my hotel late at night on one of the two nights we'll be in london. it seems like such a waste for me to fly 5,000 miles and not see them. it took the excitement out of it for me. i was looking forward to visiting some new boiler rooms as well.
this morning when i prayed about it, before i knew they'd turn down my vacation request, God said, "just trust Me, sheena". i know He could still move their hearts, so i'll keep praying He does. i just don't want to be disappointed again, so i'm trying not to think about it much.
i told you i was ungrateful.
i'm going to london and paris january 6-11! i found out today and promptly put in a request for time off wednesday the 12-friday the 14th. if that cunning plan works i have just to change my ticket's return and i magically have a chance to kick it with some of my groovie friends in the UK! i'm just prayin' that it can happen. i, the world's worst email junkie, am dying to email them all and tell them i'll be there, but i don't know for sure that i can extend my stay, so until then i have to be patient (something i'm not so good at) until i hear back from management. please pray that it will happen.
i'm reading a really cool book right now...fitting, too, since i'm going back to see london. it's called 'london' and its one of several books written by edward rutherford that focuses on one geographic location and tells the history of that place from evolution to the present. it's slow enough right now at work that i've just taken it with me.
my friends are now officially married and the drama is all over. finally. it was pretty fun, but soooooo much work! i had to sing in the wedding as well. my second solo vocal endeavors, and i decided i do not like to solo. it's far too nerve racking! i much prefer to be part of group. i love to sing, but not as a soloist. my friends that are getting married in april want me to write a song to do at their wedding. i'm going to get some of my bandmates to perform it with me, otherwise i won't be able to do it. if you've ever heard me play guitar you'll know it will be better for the entire wedding if i don't play.
i danced every song but the 'our first dance' song. it was crazy...and so much fun! it was so hard to get up today, though. if i didn't have to greet at church i would never have gotten out of bed. i'm spending the rest of the day in chill-out mode, reading a edward rutherford novel and catching up on my friends' blogs.
two my closest friends are getting married tomorrow. it's so fun to be involved in this part of their lives and to see them so happy. the crazy thing is that they only really began dating around 4 months ago. she's quick to let everyone know that there have been no improprieties, that they just knew it was right and didn't see any need for a long engagement. if it was anyone but them i would think they were going way too fast. i guess when it's right everyone knows it. we certainly do. it's been a bit crazy though.
today i made three bridesmaid bouquets, 5 boutineers and 7 corsages, as well as wiring about 50 roses. tomorrow there will be plenty more to do, but it will be mostly decorating...not so much floral arranging.
i also pick up my newly patched car tomorrow. i kindof missed it, but the loaner car from the shop was a standard and mine's an automatic. i'm one of those odd creatures that enjoys the activity of driving, and i really miss driving a stick. it's so much more fun. oh well. i'm just glad to have a car at all.
...how things always work out. the car thing is 90% settled. i got a very ! low quote for minor repair, so i'm keeping my little dented car. the repair cost is low enough that i can afford to fix the other things i need to take care of to get it through the emissions test. it was only a few weeks ago i was asking God to make a way for me to afford to take care of that. also funny how the answers to our prayers never look like an answer from the front end, and always require an effort of faith. He always uses our faith to strengthen our faith.
today was a very good day. i did not get the supervisor position, and it was one of the most encouraging career moments of my life. that's kindof funny too. it came down to me and one other girl, and since she'd been with the company longer they went with her. she's great, and she'll do really well.
when my call center managers met with me they thanked me repeatedly for being bold enough, and believing in the company enough, to apply for a position like that. they also said they looked at four things in their decision; dependability, communication, flexibility and initiative. they went in great detail about how i excel in all four of these areas, and again began thanking me for my dedication to the company, my co-workers and our clients. they said my supervisors all had very good things to say about me and the feedback i give, and that our trainer in the tour department (my training ends tomorrow! yay!!) indicated she was impressed with my enthusiasm and participation. crazy!
honestly, i felt like looking behind me to make sure they were talking to me. i never expected to hear anything like that! it was amazing and humbling. God is so good to give me such favor, and to use something that could've been discouraging to me as a chance to show me He is with me and blessing me...wow! He gave me a job i love and made them love to have me at that job. they finished the interview by saying they were looking forward to seeing me grow with the company, and they encouraged me to continue to apply for similar positions as they came available. i assured them i would.
i don't like looking for cars.
i don't like dealing with insurance.
i don't like the knots in my muscles still present from the accident.
i don't like not having enough money to get anything but a used little dorky car.
i don't like the stress of not knowing how my transportation to work will pan out until i get that car.
i don't like how i feel when i think about how i'm a month away from turning 30 and my life still looks an awful lot to me like it did when i was 20.
i don't like it when i work and work at getting to where i think i should be only to see that i can do nothing in myself.
i don't like that i can't make the difficult things in my life disappear.
i really don't like that i don't like to surrender.
here's how i see it. we either trust in the darkness of our fears or we trust in God's goodness. period. if i let myself be intimidated by the difficult things in life, and i try to control it all to avoid difficulty, i am only taking that control to my new master, fear. i am either trusting in that which fear tells me is true or i'm trusting that God is good even if i don't see how He can possibly make good of whatever situation i'm currently in. it's either one or the other.
if God is in control i have to surrender, and it hurts.
if i try to take control it all falls apart and it hurts.
either way it's painful.
at the end of it all the pain of surrender is the pain of the birth of life and freedom, not just for myself, but for those i will one day present to my God. the pain of the other is that of regret, loss and death of what could've been. i just can't live with that.
it's gonna be okay.
it always is.
God always works out the details.
my car being totaled is going to be a win-win for me, though a slight inconvenience. i get an insurance settlement out of it weather i keep the car and get it fixed myself, or i let the insurance company buy the car off me. the paperwork is tied up just long enough for me to figure out my best option and get an estimate from the body shop on what it would cost to make it legally drivable (with two headlights and a driver door that opens all the way). in the end i think i'll have the money for repairs and a new dress for my friends' wedding and some cash to spare. what a relief.
i should find out tomorrow if i got the supervisor job. i'm okay with it if i didn't. i'll just keep trying for other positions as they come up. but you never know. i may get this one after all. here's hoping.
that's what my car is. the insurance guy left it on my voicemail. maybe this means i'm moving downtown sooner than i thought. i had a nice cry about it but i think i still need another one. i'm just reminding myself that God does all things well, that His plans for me are bright, and that He makes yucky things turn around so it's better in the end than if the yucky things had never happened in the first place. this too will pass.
i had my interview today for the supervisor position. i think it went well, though i don't really think they'll offer it to me. there is at least one other better qualified person for the job. the important thing is that i show initiative and put myself out there. the rest is up to God.
