30

it's true. i've been 30 for a day and a half now. funny...I don't feel any different.

i took yesterday off work. i had a floating holiday that had to be used in january. it was to compensate having to work christmas eve. i figured not working on my 30th birthday was a good idea, so it worked out well. i didn't do much, which was nice.

i tried not to feel sorry for myself that i had to get my drivers license renewed on my birthday. it only took about an hour, and i'll only have to live with the picture for 8 years. so that's nice. i think i broke my nose over the weekend, and i have two (very) faint black eyes, so I had about 2 inches of makeup on and my eyes were puffy. all things considered i think i can live with it. i asked the guy behind the camera to leave off my extra chin, but he didn't.

my lunch is almost over. i'll post soon with some of my fam trip pictures.

honesty

this one's gonna be a bit serious. i think if we keep weakness to ourselves it gives room to the enemy, so i put myself out there because it removes his power in my life. i hope nobody is bothered by my honesty.

i've mentioned before i had quite a difficult childhood. the overall result was a feeling that who i am and what i bring to the world is flawed and just not good enough. i'm not going to go into all the things that the enemy used to enforce this, i'll only say that from my infancy i was neglected, abused and abandoned.

the point of this confession is not to illicit pity, but to be able to say that God has been so faithful to me, and in ways i've clearly seen since early childhood. if He had not captured my heart from a very early age it is doubtful i would be alive today. His Fatherheart nurtured me when nobody else did, and gave me a tenacious spirit that He used to keep me chasing Him. This has been my salvation.

the last two and a half years of my life have been a journey of healing. God brought relationships to my life 'safe' enough for me to be honest about my flaws (not that they weren't obvious anyway) and admit that i can't make it on my own. Through these relationships He brought situations and moments that forced me to face some very difficult memories, and let God into them. in these moments, without fail, God has shown me the lies of the enemy on which i built my belief system about who and what i am. it's been a lot of very hard work, but for the first time in my life i feel hope and joy about who God created me to be.

this brings me to right now. i'm learning alot about the work of shame. it's not always associated with what you have done. it's often rooted in the lies about our worth that were re-enforced in the actions of others toward us. my personal 'coping mechanism' with shame is to avoid those things that make me feel that way. this usually results in me feeling more shame when things blow up.

say for example something goes wrong with my car. i don't know how to fix it, and i don't have a husband, brother, boyfriend or father that i can ask for help. i have to take care of it myself. suddenly the enemy reminds me that i've had to take care of myself for as long as i can remember, because nobody thought i was worth caring for. then i start to feel overwhelmed because it's all on my shoulders and if i ask for help it will be clear that i'm trying to be grown-up and i just can't cut it. so i just ignore the problem with my car because it's easier than feeling the shame. then my car gives out because i didn't take care of whatever was wrong with it, and i'm left feeling foolish for not dealing with the car while it was manageable, and more ashamed than ever that i can't seem to deal with my every-day life.

this is the way i've dealt with life my whole life. now that God has spent the last few years healing my heart and showing me what it is to interrogate my thoughts through the truth of His Word, He's teaching me to expose the shame that's been tucked away and accumulating in my soul my whole life, and trust that He was telling the truth when He said "No one whose hope is in God will ever be put to shame".

home

i'm two days home and riding out the jetlag much better than last time. maybe that's because i was gone two weeks last time, as opposed to just 6 days. i learned alot about hotels, but they all run a bit together in my head now. i'm glad i took loads of pictures.

leaving london was hard, but i didn't cry...not fully anyway. i got a bit choked up getting in the taxi on the way to the airport, but i didn't give in. last time i was there i cried for two days before i left in anticipation of leaving. i'm not sure how to go about the whole move thing. i want to live in edinburgh, but may move to the london area first just to get there, then find my way north. i have a much better chance of finding work in london. i made some good contacts, so i'll see what i can make of them. i never could see myself living in london, but after this trip i think that's changing. it'll be interesting to see what pans out.

for now i'm comfy here in my beautiful portland waiting (maybe a bit impatiently) for the right door to open.

london

hello from london. i've just come over from paris this morning on the eurostar (that's the train that runs in the tunnel under the english channel). paris was really cool, but it was strange to be somewhere and unable to communicate at all. i know enough spanish to be able to understand quite a bit of written french, so it wasn't too bad.

i've gotten to know some of my co-workers a bit better on this trip. some i would rather not know so well, but that's okay. i've been getting to bed early since all anyone else wants to do when we're done for the day is go clubbing or bar-hopping. we looked at 10 hotels in paris yesterday, and we're looking at a ton tomorrow here in london.

i never stay in hotels when i travel, so this has been quite nice. i would certainly not stay in 4-star hotels, which is what we are in, and i love it. i don't know how many more times in my life i'll live it up in nice hotels, so i'm making the most of this. i should be able to visit the museum of london tomorrow afternoon. i can't wait to see the mummies.

more when i come home. i'm off to bed now.

stuff

i won't be posting for about a week, so i figured i'd slap something up today.

amazon shipped my books and i got them last night. i was hoping to get them before my trip so i could bring them. i got 'red moon rising' and 'the vision and the vow'. i'm pretty stoked about both, and looking forward to the conversations they will evoke when my co-workers ask what i'm reading. it should be interesting.

i'm still waiting for 'edinburgh picturesque notes' by robert louis stevenson. i'm hoping it comes today, but if not that will give me something to look forward to when i come home.

i'm getting really excited about leaving, but a bit dreading the sleep deprivation and jet-lag. i'm using all the tricks i know to get myself into the local schedule as quickly as possible. i have to be at the airport at 5:30am, and i'll be up late doing laundry, packing and watching alias. i'm hoping to sleep for most of the flight.

see you in a week.

computer

today i got a computer from work. they were giving some away since upgrading alot of our equipment. it's an old dell and I have no idea what sort of amenities it includes, but free was too good to ignore. i don't have my own computer - well, didn't until today, and i really only need somewhere to keep photos, journaling and my writing. we already have wireless internet at the house, so it's a simple upgrade on the bad boy.

we had our meeting for my work trip today. it seems they've set us up in quite a nice hotel in paris. i can count on one hand the number of hotels i've patronized in my entire life. any hotel is an adventure to me, though i honestly do prefer staying with friends. it would've been nice to have been able to extend my trip another week and be in london for my birthday, but i'll be having a big party, so it's okay to be home. i decided the big deal about turning 30 is that it's really not a big deal. i'll just keep telling that to myself and my friends in the hopes of keeping myself from getting weird about the big three-oh.