gripping

i need to move on from the last post. the longer i leave it the more i fear it looks like i'm fishing for compliments.

i've had a crazy week. i decided that there are two things about myself i would like to be different. i would like to cry less. i would like to be less self-focused.

i saw a picture in my mind when i was praying about stuff this week. whenever i picture myself with Father God i always see myself standing with Him or sitting on His knee. i'm always in a posture where i can see what He's seeing. this time i saw myself like a little girl with my arms around His neck, gripping for dear life while He held me. i realized i'd never seen myself with Him like that, and that it was such a picture of dependence. i realized that even in the way i see myself interacting with God i still want to see where wer're going and have a say in it. i want Him to watch my back while i forge ahead.

last night as i though about this i saw so clearly how much i still try to lead God instead of letting God lead me. surrender isn't difficult, resisting surrender is. i want to control what i have to go through, how i go through it, what people think of me. that's not my place. my place is to trust that what God says is true and let Him take me where i should go, continuing to believe that (like jeremiah 29:11 says) His thoughts toward me are good, not evil, to give me a future and a hope. i have to trust that He can even use the insecure mess that i am to show His love to the people around me.

cardigan

today i was feeling so fragile. strange considering how amazing this weekend was. i was with friends i love that love me, doing things i'm passionate about. but last night something struck me. just an odd feeling that i couldn't quite put my finger on.

it stayed with me through today. i should be out-of-my-mind excited about some of the things that went on this weekend (have i got an insane story for you later. a lady from china happened upon my church yesterday, came over with a mob of us aferward and we led her to the Lord...in spite of the fact that she speaks almost no english. it was wild!), but instead i was cranky and frustrated, feeling this unsettling hanging over my head.

as i got home tonight i spent some time with God trying to figure it out. i realized that i feel like i skipped something in my life. i know i'm loved and cared about, but i feel so unimportant and comfortable. not the 'lukewarm' kindof comfortable, but the 'i have no sparkle' comfortable. the 'oh, that's just sheena' comfortable. i realized that i feel like the worn out cardigan with patched elbows in a world of ballgowns. i want, just for a while, to be a ballgown. i want to be beautiful, but instead i'm comfortable.

i had a long talk (and cry) about it with God. somehow i went from little kid to motherly without the princess stage that should go between. i try not to compare myself with all the beauty around me, by sometimes i'm overwhelmed by how little i glitter. i never realized it until today. but when God and i were talking about it He said, "don't you feel better in your favorite patched sweater than squeezed into a ballgown?" i said yeah, but that was the problem. only a blind man would find the sweater more beautiful. but He told me that's exactly the reason i am the cardi and not the ballgown. i'm surrounded by the blind. if they didn't know me they might never know beauty.

hmmm. not what i want, but i have to be okay with it, because i can't have and be what i am not. i have to trust God that the things He thinks are beautiful really are...un-distorted by a human point of view. i have to let it go and not be so unhappy with what i'm not that i can't see the value of what i am. i have to leave it alone and not try to fix it. that, my friends, is painful.

reading

my new bilingual (spanish/english) bible is on the way. i'm pretty excited. the one i have now is the new international version (niv) translation in english and reina-valera in spanish, which is comparable to the old king james version. there's some great antiquated spanish words (like "unigénito", which google language tools says isn't translateable, but is the old-world spanish word for 'only begotten' - yes, as in john 3:16). but the spanish version of the niv came out about 6 months after i bought my bilingual bible, so i couldn't justify getting another. until this week. it's been a good 10 years. that's enough reason to buy another.

along with the bible i got boswell's life of johnson. i've been wanting to read it for ages but never got to buying it. now it's never in any bookstores so i got it from amazon. powells would've had it, but i found a used copy on amazon for under $3.i also bought more popout maps. those are the coolest. i currently have them for london, paris, york and edinburg. when the others arrive i'll have berlin and one that's just london tube and busses. i would like one that was the paris metro only since the metro map on the one i have is so tiny it was almost no good. if all goes well we will be using all of those maps on our trip this fall.

speaking of the trip this fall...i think our plans changed agin. kathleen and i were talking last night and realized some of our favorite people in edinburgh might be in germany when we were planning to be in edinburgh. that just won't due. so we're looking at spending a few nights in paris at the front instead (or maybe prague. we'll see) so we can spend some lovely time with chris and anneleen and the others there we know and love. that means i'll have to see if my work will shift the hotel they booked for me. hmmm...too many options.

peanut butter & haggis

today i did a google image search for haggis. it was quite possibly the most disturbing and most amusing image search i've done to date. among my favorite images were the one above (be sure to read the ingredients) and this.

it all began when my friend ed went to the highland games last weekend and purchased a canned 'caledonian kitchen' haggis.


through the long and humorous conversation that followed he ended up giving me the haggis which now sits proudly on my desk (check it out). i had haggis while last in edinburgh. it was fine. i didn't know that's what i was eating or i may not have tried it, but it was decent. i was happy to tell my mother i'd tried it, as robert w service's 'the haggis of private mcphee' is one of her favorite poems. i'm all about making my mother proud.

which brings me to peanut butter.



many of my nonamericano-commonwealth friends find peanut butter disturbing. i never used to eat it much, but now i have a pbj (that's slang for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich) for breakfast almost every day. it's quick and filling and just chock full of protein. ben (aka jben. see my superhero post) made faces at me when he saw me eating a pbj. i guess it's not just the brits that don't like pb...at least not the way we use it in the states. aussies don't dig it either.

though pete may be forever disturbed at my confession of my weekday breakfast of convenience (you should've heard him go off about americans and pb! i had no idea there was such pb ill-will in the world.) let me say a few words in my defense.

vegemite.
haggis.
blood sausage.

trophy

this is my trophy from the weekend. i fell down and did a little slide in the mud down a hill trying to get to the river.

i'm crusty cootiesniffer

according to the following excerpt from a children's book, "captain underpants and the perilous plot of professor poopypants" by dave pilkey: the evil professor forces everyone to assume new names. so fess up. what's your new name?

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = zippy
n = pinky
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tulefel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa


Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker


Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Thus, for example, William Jefferson Clinton's new name is Boobie Liversniffer.

this week

this week has been a bit hard. i've been fighting some bug, but i'm just barely under the weather. not enough to call in sick, but not well enough to enjoy being at work...or anywhere that isn't my bed.

but for that, the week has had some exiting events. we got dish network over the weekend, which has me watching loads more tv. that's not really a good thing, but i'm getting tired of tv now so i guess it was a good strategy. the best thing is that i now have bbc america again and the international history channel. there's also a nasa channel. too cool! i've been watching changing rooms while i get ready in the morning.

also this week:

*we have homework leading up to more latin american training at work. i'm putting together info on brazil.

*some guy i don't know got a word for me at a meeting i attended on sunday night. it spelled out exactly some important things God's been talking to me about lately. that's been happening to me alot lately. it's pretty amazing!

*kathleen came home last night. she's been in the uk with all our 24-7ers.

*my friend ben and i settled on our superhero names and logo.

*one of my co-workers told me dave gorman's coming to seattle in december. i smell a roadtrip!

*we finally met up with a guy that moved here from southern california with his family because God has been telling him what He is going to do in portland and wants him to be part of it.

that last one's the most exciting! his name's travis. he and his wife are 30-somethings with 3 young kids. he's been in touch with renee and was able to make it to our dhop meeting at barb's last night. he's 112% one of us. it was so cool to meet him and hear some of the things God's been showing him. it's right on track with everything else God's doing here. the funniest thing is that it came up that he and his wife are going to dresden for the same 24-7 thing renee, kathleen and i are going to attend. i'm hoping we can talk them into going to edinburgh with us at the front end and berlin after. we'll see what happens.

superheros

i have a friend named ben. he's one of my favorite humans. he's from australia and, through a set of odd circumstances, God brought him to portland to be involved with the dhop. i've been hanging out with him (and some others i've gotten to know since hanging out with him) on a regular basis. renee calls him my new best friend. i prefer to call us superhero sidekicks.

so sunday we were hanging out with pat and kelly and somehow ended up assigning ourselves silent letters at the front of our names. ben 'confided' that he had a silent 'J' in front of his name, i 'confided' that i had a silent 'P' in front of mine. we even went so far as to 'correct' the spelling of eachother's names in our phones.

last night we were talking about being superhero sidekicks and i said we needed superhero names, to which ben promptly replied, "jben and psheena"(say it like 'jay-ben and puh-sheena'). we even have a a motto: "we're not overcome by evil, we overcome evil with good!" above you will find the graphic of our superhero logo.

you didn't think you knew any superheros, did you? i hope you feel safer knowing we're here.

found

portland is one of the least churched cities in america. people actually move here to get away from the bible belt and social christianity that is a part of the culture in some parts of the country. in general the people in this city have very antagonistic views of christianity. many of the reasons i can't argue with, but some are just lack of understanding, confusing all religion (most commonly catholicism) with christianity. it doesn't help that there are people screaming scriptures at them in pioneer square, telling them they are an abomination (which is nowhere in the bible, by the way). it has no relationship with the God that says He loves us so much He's written our name upon His heart, and that His thoughts toward us are good and not evil, to give us a future and hope.

i'm very cautious of what i say in my workplace about my faith. my biggest fear is that i will be seen as one of the self-righteous, distancing myself from 'those sinners'. because it's a professional environment i don't really bring up my faith at all. if a moment presents itself i don't ignore it, but it honestly doesn't come up that much, being work and all. well, not until lately.

when i started training into the latin american booking line i moved desks. one of the other trainees moved next to me. she was hired when i was and we went through our initial training together in february of last year. she's really cool and alot of fun to sit by. i was showing her the way the background pictures i pulled from camvista's site refreshed every time the page loaded on my blog. i just had it up for a second but she got the address and checked out my blog. it was a bit scary for me because i was afraid she would get freaked out by my God and prayer talk, but instead it sparked a great conversation and i was able to give a general overview of what i believe. i don't think she was uncomfortable with it, and she told me a bit about her catholic upbringing.

today there's a post from another friend from work. he's quite the internet geek...which i think is awesome. he's also a word-nerd, another reason he has my respect. i don't know his wife very well yet (she's also a co-worker) but they're both just really cool people. so when he found my blog and posted on it today i had that little panic flutter again. silly but true. my relationship with God is so much a part of who i am that it's odd to be at work and people not know what makes me tick. it's sad to know that if they did know many would lose respect for me (that's assuming they had it in the first place :-)) i've heard some pretty disrespectful things said in the breakroom about christians, but i don't want to be afraid to be honest about who and what i am. i just don't want to be misunderstood because of what people have experienced with self-righteous and judgmental 'christianity'.

though it makes me feel a bit naked i honestly am glad they both found my blog. i hope they'll ask me questions if they don't know where i'm coming from with something. my biggest fear is being misunderstood. i never want to be afraid to be up-front about my faith, and i never want anyone to feel like i'm shoving it down their throat.

if you two are reading this, welcome to my blog and the rest of my life. i hope you'll make yourself at home.

lazy

a good description of my day. i should get a prize for best time waster. i got up late, watched tv and tweaked my blog. that's it. that's my day. and it's been great!

this week was nice. the best part of having a 3-day weekend is that you only have a 4-day work week to go back to. my friend ben prayed for me a few weeks ago to make big bookings and be a blessing to my company, and since then i've made at least one really great booking a day, with a few really really good bookings thrown in. the events in london really effected us, with people calling thursday and friday to cancel trips to the uk. every time someone called to cancel i got mad. it's not even logical...the odds of it happening again in the near future i'd say were slim to none. but fear is never logical.

my friend kathleen is in the uk right now for 24-7prayer's missions gathering. a mob of people are there from around the world, camping at a ywam base north of london. i'm not jealous this time, which must be God. i would love to have been there, but september will be here soon enough, and i'll be on my little boiler room tour. i'm glad kathleen's meeting people now so they won't be complete strangers when she and i are there in september. i still don't know how i'm going to afford the trip, but God got us free air, railpasses and some of our hotel. i guess He could do the rest too. there's wifi at the ywam base where they're camping, so kathleen's been throwing email to me throughout the day there. technology really is amazing.

i think i've spent enough time online today. i'm going to go do something (anything) productive now.

london

The courage and spirit of the people of britain never fails to amaze me. in the light of the events of the last week i find myself again in awe of their determination.

i was so thrilled when i heard london won the bid for the olympics. congratulations, london! i was pouring myself a cup of coffee and did a little victory dance right then and there. everyone fully expected paris to win, but you british never gave up hope, and pulled out everything you had to prove you really were the best choice.

but then there was thursday. an unforgettable day for everyone around the world as we watched in horror, glued to the news. my friend janelle was a couple behind one of the bombed trains. and while she and the rest of that great city got up friday morning, took a deep breath and courageously got on the same trains at the same stations to continue with life, i was getting calls from pathetic and senseless would-be tourists that were canceling their bookings, too afraid to travel in london.

to every londoner that got back on the tube, you have my unending respect. to everyone that was hurt or lost a friend or loved one, i'm praying for you and for the beautiful city you call home. God loves you and is with you, and may you know that now more than ever.

tuesday

i guess it was sortof a monday since we had a three-day weekend for the 4th of july. i had a pretty great weekend overall and only had to do about half the things i planned, which made for some nice down time.

saturday was my busy day. i watched live 8 all morning before heading out to my parents house for a long-dreaded (but very important) heart-to-heart. they took me out to changs for lunch and then we spent a very happy hour at a goodwill superstore (goodwill is a chain of second-hand stores, for you nonamericanos) where i photographed barbies in bins, picked up a spanish textbook and an anthology of world mythology. the best find of all was a small vintage suitcase that i will be taking with me to europe in september. it was $5 and is in super condition. well, except that it smells like granny's attic.

my friends ben and candice hung out with me after church on saturday night. i didn't know how upset i'd be after my talk with my parents, so i made plans to have my peeps around me. thank God for peeps that will be gathered in the hour of need. i was actually fine, but was still very glad to be with them. after a bite at sushiville (i love that place! they have a little conveyer belt that goes around the restaurant and you grab what you want as it moves by you. they also play great '80s music. how can you beat that?) we kicked it at my house. candice crashed in one of the bedrooms around 1:30 and ben ended up too tired to drive when we quit chatting at around 3:30 so he took the couch. since my housemates were gone i was glad of the company. and the best thing about having friends crash at your place is that you get to hang out the next day too.

yesterday, our nations lovely birthday, was so chill. i stayed in pajamas until about 4pm and watched as much trash tv as my brain could hold. i went to a bbq at lydias for about an hour but i was so sleepy that i went home and ended up going to bed instead of watching fireworks. it was great, especially since i washed all my bedding and pillows, flipped my mattress and put another mattress pad on. now my bed feels like a little piece of heaven. yummy!

so today was back to work. i love my job so i never get that dreaded 'oh-no-the-weekend's-almost-gone' feeling anymore. it was super slow today so i spent all morning on quizzes and played a new game that alia (the girl that sits next to me) linked to me. i also nearly got into a catfight on a friend's blog. not good, but i stopped before i lost it. that's a good time to stop.

i think this is also a good time to stop.
:-)

slang

sorry, ben. looks like i need to brush up on my aussie slang. check out my slanguage profile...

Your Slanguage Profile

Prison Slang: 50%

British Slang: 25%

Canadian Slang: 25%

Southern Slang: 25%

Victorian Slang: 25%

Aussie Slang: 0%

New England Slang: 0%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

together

last night i was at a coffee shop in northwest portland. we had a dhop team meeting to talk about the 12hour we had last weekend, and about the upcoming 48 in north portland. it turned into a good discussion about the need to balance being led by the Spirit and flowing within structure. we really want to facilitate corporate prayer rather than each of us in our own thing at the same time in the same room. that's a bit tricky and requires us to give eachother freedom to follow structure and freedom to chuck it. everyone has to stretch to make it work, but that's what gives it value.

was good to be part of that meeting last night where we were able to have good solid discussion about something that every christian sees a little differently than every other christain. i was surprised to realize, half-way through our discussion, that i was in the discussion with both feet, passionately voicing my opinion even though i was likely to be disagreed with. a year ago i would've just sat there and been frustrated, too insecure to be honest about what i thought. (i felt a little insecure afterward, but i got over that after a short chat and pray with kathleen). it's so exciting to me to be so changed that even i can tell.



afterward we prayed for kathleen on the sidewalk outside the coffee shop. she's going to transmission tomorrow representing our little dhop way over there in the uk. we send her with prayers and love for all our 24-7 peeps. (pete, carla, linda - if you're reading this - make sure you get kathleen to blog at least once while she's there! push her through the doors of some coffee shop with wifi and make her stay there until she posts something!) i wish i could be there, but september will come soon enough.