venting

i'm frustrated and i can't sleep. i've been tossing and turning and finally gave up and decided to blog. it may be the only way to get my brain to be quiet so i can get some shut-eye tonight.

one of my good friends is making some really bad choices in her life right now. she does this periodically. it's a bit of a roller-coaster sometimes being her friend, and in the decade i've known her we've been up and down alot. the hardest part is watching her lie to everyone, including herself, when we all know she's not being honest with anyone - especially herself. i love her, and i'll never stop being her friend, but it's really getting old watching her make choices that will cause her pain and regret far into the future, and having to endure her defensive in-your-face-about-it stubbornness.

as i was laying in bed i couldn't get the story of cinderella out of my mind. not the cheesy disney version, but the intense and gory grimm brothers' version. when the prince shows up with the slipper to see who it fits, encouraged by their mother they each cut off part of their foot to get it into the shoe. their mother tells both of them that they won't need that part of their foot when they're married to the prince, so each in turn takes the paring knife to their own foot in hopes of tricking the prince into matrimony. each time some birds along the way sing a little rhyme that makes the prince look back, and each time he sees a trail of blood. silly sucker, you think he'd figure it out after the first one.

like the stepsisters, my friend is making a choice that will cause her long-term suffering in order to make something in her life 'fit' that she shouldn't be putting on in the first place. maybe by chopping off a toe she can get the shoe on, but just because you can make it look like it's working doesn't mean it is. just because you tell yourself something false is true doesn't make it any less a lie.

why is it always so hard for her to facing this when we've already been down this road and we know where it leads? why, after years of walking through these things with her, years of proving our love for her, that we're there for her, care about her and are willing to walk beside her as she works through the fear and pain of life, is she choosing to act as if we don't have her best interest at heart, don't care about her and don't want her to be happy? obstinate headstrong stubborn choices always cost us more in the end than we thought we'd be paying. it's never worth it. never. i pray she remembers that.

wisdom

over the years i've come across some kernels of wisdom. some as simple as "never pet a burning dog", some as complex as "do not calculate the possible amount of poultry until the process of incubation has fully completed". there are a few that have really impacted my life, and by which i try to live. here they are, in no specific order...

never take counsel in your fears.
eat the elephant one bite at a time.
respond from the heart.
be equal.
no man is an island.
no man lives unto himself.
hope is the seedbed of faith.
when everyone else is the problem it's time to look within.
forgiveness frees more than the offender.
if you run you have to keep running, but if you face it you only have to face it once.

and finally, my favorite welsh proverb...

when my life was thrifty thrifty
my one sheep soon grew to fifty
after that i lived for fun
and found my flock was back to one

anyone else want to share favorites?

calm

four day weekend. how nice it has been! when i got to work wednesday i was greeted with, "happy friday!" by a co-worker. we all decided friday-wednesday was infinitely better than just plain old friday.

you like the picture? it really truly is the authentic 'oscar meyer whiner mobile'. it was outside my work this summer, so i got it with my camera phone as i left the parking garage. i thought it was fitting since i'm reviewing my thanksgiving weekend.

thanksgiving day was fun, with several people coming to the house. i had some car stuff to take care of this weekend, and i got most of it done. for me that's a big deal. for some reason i find car things difficult to stay on top of. give me a house to decorate, a gadget to repair, a piece of art to create, a song to write...none of that fazes me. give me a car to take care of and i'm a moron. so this weekend i did a grip of car stuff.

i'm definitely moving. two weeks from now. no, i haven't started packing yet. this will be my 26th move in my life, my 13th in the last 10 years. i've been at my current abode for 3 years and three months, but i'm trying to simplify my life before my move to scotland next august. i'm selling my car, which will cut down on my life expenses considerably, and i'll be walking almost everywhere, since the apartment is mere blocks from work and church. i'm getting into my 'decorator' mode, and i'm excited about what i'll be doing with my tiny bit of home.

aside from finishing up my car duties, i'm looking forward to a pretty low-key week. i may be having a garage sale next saturday, which should be fun, and packing when i can. my biggest challenge will be paring down my beloved books. i'll have to get myself in a properly ruthless mood first.

it's the calm before the storm, but it is calm. hopefully i can maintain that calm even in the storm. it'll be all over in two weeks.

thank God

since thanksgiving has everything to do with expressing gratitude to God, and since it hasn't been politically correct to acknowledge that anymore, i figured a well-rounded history lesson wouldn't be a bad thing.

the christian history institute has a page on the history of thanksgiving. you can read about it here.

if you prefer a slightly more secular account you can read what the history channel has to say about it here

happy thanksgiving, everyone.

a contest

okay all you writers, here's a little contest. i'd like to see who can write the best sonnet. yep, that's right, sonnet. like shakespeare. i'll explain the framework and you can go at it on whatever topic you choose. the winner will be named super-sonnetier and i will design a superhero logo for you.

there is another type of sonnet, some italian version, but we're going to focus on the english type, or the 'shakespearian sonnet'. i'll use one of my sonnets as an example to explain the structure.

***
there four sections in a sonnet. the first three sections are identical in form. they each have four lines. the first and third lines rhyme with each other, and the second and fourth rhyme with each other. like this...

how is it everything leads back to you
and all my thoughts collide here in my head
i struggle to dismiss what's all too true
and long to think of something else instead

***
the last two lines are called a "rhyming couplett", which just means the end of both lines rhyme with each other. like this...

how can i let you have such sole command
of that you do not know is in your hand

***
each line should be in iambic pentameter, which simply means that each line must have ten syllables and the accent falls on every other syllable, starting with the second. like this...

how(1) is(2) it(3) eve(4)-ry(5)-thing(6)
leads(7) back(8) to(9) you(10)

did you follow that? ok. now that you see the structure, here is the whole thing...

lovely pain

how is it everything leads back to you
and all my thoughts collide here in my head
i struggle to dismiss what's all too true
and long to think of something else instead

but sweet contentment is by you defined
and in my dreams you are my one retreat
awake or sleeping my heart always finds
to free myself of you an empty feat

my giving in will not remove this pain
and waking takes me not from your sweet voice
but mastery of my mind i must regain
with all my heart at stake i have no choice

how can i let you have such sole command
of that you do not know is in your hand

the challenge with all writing is to talk about the same old things we humans never tire of pondering and discussing, love, pain, beauty, relationships and so on, and give them a fresh and new expression. the thing i like best about writing a sonnet (i told jake this on his blog...which, by the way, spawned this post) is that you take a very rigid structure and you say something in a completely original way.

so comeon, make ol' william proud. write a sonnet.

fess up

this is where you can find me.

i recently ended up on the blog of a complete stranger that had me linked. it got me thinking that there are likely people that frequent my blog that i have never met.

so here's my curiosity getting the better of me. i'd like to take a little poll. i'll set up the questions and answer them first, and you can follow suit by pasting it into the comments and changing my answers to yours. i'd love to see who comes by here. if you have any other comments about my blog please feel free to leave them. unless they're unflattering, of course.

name: sheena
age: 30
do i know you: yes
occupation: travel
nationality: american
residing: portland, oregon usa
began visiting around: oct 2004
how you found my blog: i made it up

okay, now it's your turn.

castles

last night i turned on the tv before i went to bed. i just happened to catch a show the travel channel was doing about british castles, and i turned to it right when they were doing the bit on edinburgh castle. it's so strange to see stuff on tv showing far-away places you know and love. it made me wish i was already there.

it's a good thing i'm so taken with that city, because it really is insane of me to be starting my life over at 30 in a country that won't let me work. i'm not sure what i'm getting myself into. i'm more and more wondering how my life will look in a year. where the heck will i live? where will i spend the holidays? how will i afford to buy gifts? will anyone come visit me? it's a little difficult for me to avoid letting questions overrun my brain whenever i think of moving.

the other thing i worry about is raising support. i feel strange asking people to support me, and i'm not really sure how to go about it. i feel like a moocher, but i don't think other people that live off support are moochers. i just need to see myself the way i see them. easy enough, right? (by the way, if anyone is reading this that is supported so they can be in ministry, do you have anything helpful to say about raising support?) one of the challenges is that the cost of living there is about double what it is for me here, so i have to raise twice the amount i'd need to live here. why can't i be going to peru or guatemala?

so i'm eagerly anticipating a move i'm anxious and worried about, and running full-speed ahead to an adventure that just might kill me. isn't that the way life goes?

moving

today i looked at an apartment in this building. i've been talking about moving back downtown almost since i moved to the 'burbs three years ago, but december 9th i'm actually doing it. that is, assuming the application process goes normally. i don't really expect a hitch. in fact, i expect there not to be a hitch, but the fact that there's an application approval process makes a part of me unsettled until i hear back that i'm approved. it's like the feeling you get when your manager asks to talk to you, or when you realize there's a cop behind you...even though you're not speeding.

the apartment is a studio, which is a bit smaller than i wanted, but one-bedrooms are harder to come by. the only one-bedroom they had available would've had me moving in within three weeks, which is much too soon. the manager was really nice and she told me which of the studios coming available had the best view. so that's the one i'm going for. the building is six or eight blocks from my work, four or five blocks from my church and right across the street from a grocery store. the downtown trolley goes by the building and goes right by jimmy mak's, which is one of the best jazz clubs in the universe. i love downtown living.

it seems surreal that it's really happening, and crazy that i'm moving into a studio by myself, two things i was not going to do. but the roommate never materialized and the one-bedroom is difficult to come by downtown. i'm okay with it. i may be asking my brother-in-law for help building a bed frame that will make my bed look like a sofa, and i think a bit more paring down of my stuff will have to transpire, but overall i think it's fabú.

geekfest

i've got this friend named peter. he lives in england, so i don't see him that often. i have to give him as much trouble as possible whenever i do see him since i don't know when i'll have the next chance to give him crap (or as they say across the pond, 'take the mickey out of him').

back in april i posted about a nerd test i took where i scored a 20. pete commented on that post that he scored 50. somehow we both thought that meant that i scored more nerdy than he did, and he's given me grief every since. or maybe he just bluffed it to see how long he could keep me believing it was actually possible for me to come out ahead of him when our geekyness was called into account.

something in me has always felt that couldn't possibly be right. anyone that has been nicknamed 'the gadgeteer' (granted, i gave him that nickname) and has a tag on his blog that randomizes the banner pictures can't truly deny his nerdieness, can he? it just sounded wrong to me. it had to be a fluke. so i revisited my results.

and i was right. my score of 20 meant that only 20% of people were less nerdy than me, making pete 30% nerdier than i am. what a relief.

amused

things have been slow-ish here at work. it's good to get a breather now and then, but it makes the day go slower. last year in slow season i was training to go from booking just rail to booking entire vacation packages. the year before i spent my spare time reading and making portraits of myself (see above) and my co-workers in my paint application.

i'm very imaginative when it comes to amusing myself. when i was growing up there were only a few times we ever said, "mom, i'm bored" because my mom would say, "you are? why don't you go ahead and clean your room or the bathroom then. you could mop the floor while you're at it". sly woman. she either got a clean house or kids that stayed out of her hair. win-win situation.

the result of her brilliance is that i can now amuse myself in almost any scenario. at thirty years of age i can still retreat into my imagination with the ease of a ten-year-old, and lose myself for hours in a novel, online or (better yet!) with an atlas or encyclopedia. i could spend a whole afternoon with a map or two and be perfectly content.

but now there's blogs. i have a good dozen i go to daily, sometimes more than once a day. all the blogs linked on mine i visit regularly. i've called them 'blog buddies' but maybe i should call them 'blogs i stalk'. it's great to be able to catch up on people, but a little disappointing when i run through all the blogs and not one of them has anything new to read. it's like going through a whole day without getting an email. pathetic, aren't i? but at least i'm not bored.

meemsieboo

my friend amelia is the best. i've known her for five or six years, and in that time her name has morphed from amelia to meems to meemsieboo. she is definately one of my favorite peeps, and a vital part of my 'chick possey'. she's an emt (emergency medical technician) and drives an ambulance. she's really cool.

she heard me talking about how i wanted the little clippy and wire things you display pictures or postcards on, and she when she saw them on clearance at the store she got a pack of three for me! check out my postcards!


thanks, meemsieboo! you're the bestest ever!!!

wishing

tonight i had dinner with my dad and stepmom. it's the first i've seen them since the flat tires fiasco, and i finally showed them my europe pictures. we watched a really cool show about london called 'we built this city' that the discovery channel made a while ago. it's hard to believe a month ago today i was there. (sigh)

after coming home i checked pete's blog to see he'd posted about his day at the tate modern in london to see an exhibit he'd noticed in the booklet he'd picked up while we were there with him last month.

the long and the short of it is that i wish i could live my life on vacation. since my powerball jackpot was snatched up by someone else i've had to settle back into my real life and give up imagining i had enough money to travel whenever i wanted. i'm sure i'd become tired of living out of hotels, but i'd love to have the chance to get tired of it.

oh well. i still like my life.

change

i'm ambivalent about change. i love it and i hate it all at the same time. i love stability, but i also get bored. what can i say, i'm a chick.

even though i'm moving to edinburgh next august, i've re-opened the "i want to move downtown" can of worms. it's 2 moves in 10 months, but i can't get away from pining for downtown. i don't really know how long i'll be living away from portland, so i want my last little while here to be spent in the places i love the most. so i'm looking to move again.

if you think of it, pray that the right (inexpensive) place opens up in the next 3 to 6 weeks. i'll keep you posted.

lucky

this has to be lucky.

i wouldn't have noticed the numbers aligning, but thankfully i have friends who are nice and geeky that do notice these things and send me screen shots. i have the utmost respect for their mensa-worthy brains.

three cheers for geeky kiwis.

winner

this is clopsie, my cycloptic mini carved pumpkin/trick-or-treat bag. i carved him yesterday and he helped me win the prize for best trick-or-treat bag at work. $20 at regal cinemas! you had to put the candy in his mouth to get it in the bag. isn't he cute? it was a bit of an engineering feat to get his eye to come out the top of him like that, but where there's a will there's a way.

work was pretty funny. there were some pretty hideous costumes, including some very dodgy drag. i won't horrify you with pictures, but i will say men from new zealand don't make very good russian-american women. i was dressed as a tourist, which means i carried a map around sometimes and took lots of pictures. i wanted to be the eurostar train, but i just didn't get it together this weekend. thanks to clopsie i'm still a winner.

strangest of all, i finally saw the homeless man downtown i've heard so much about that has testicular elephantitus. pretty difficult to hide something like that. i know it wasn't a costume because i've heard lots of people talk about it before. i thought they were joking. they weren't. but don't worry, i didn't stare and i didn't take pictures.

that last part probably shouldn't be on my blog and i may delete this post later.