weekend

this weekend was rather nice. i got my car back late friday, which made everything better. thursday they picked up my car and ended up installing the alternator like they'd said, but the towtruck broke down on the way to my house, so it wasn't ready until friday. whatever the curse was it seems to be broken.

friday night we had our last session at the building that has served as the dhop for the past 5 years (we are 5 too!). it was really good to have everyone together. we don't have our own building for now, but the dhop will be meeting thursday nights at the portland state university campus ministries building, where my church meets on saturday nights. it's in the same neighborhood we've been in, and pretty exciting that we're meeting on campus of the largest university in oregon.

we packed up the dhop on saturday (mostly). as i took the art off the walls and we decided what to pack i started to get excited about what we would see on the walls in the next place we settle. i know the same themes will emerge, but it will be amazing to see the new expressions of those themes.

we're all pretty stoked about this next season, but we have no idea what's in store. maybe i should worry, because whenever God moves His people to a new season we never anticipate the 'growing' it causes in our lives. if we did we would never move. it's always so much harder than we think it'll be, but always so much more amazing too. i wonder what we'll see when we look back over our shoulder a year from now.

mechanical

that's how i feel today. my car is still immobile, but it's working out for now. i found a place that will come pick up my alternator, refurbish it and bring it back to me, all for $89. the quote from the shop was $340. my dad came over and helped me pull it out. i really did most of it myself, having just changed the last one out with my cousin a year ago. i suppose i'm not quite so helpless as i feel.

so this wonderful service that is to refurbish my alternator did not show up to pick it up. the guy said if he couldn't get it sunday afternoon he'd get it monday morning. it's still on my porch, and it's tuesday. pretty white-trash to have car parts on the porch, isn't it? this means i'll have at least 3 more days without a car. i find that a bit irritating.

aside from car drama, i've been thinking alot about my life. i've always loved God and craved deeper relationship with Him, so don't think i don't know He values me and created me for His purpose. i'm just wondering why i'm here. i know the nice sunday school answers to that question, but i want to know the God-to-sheena answer. i'm just a silly girl in a little northwestern city going through the mechanics of every-day life. why?

i desperately want God to use me, but don't have any of the things that i would think create opportunities to impact the world around me. i haven't done any college, i'm not well connected, i'm awkward with my money and have nothing of value (aside from relationships) to show for my 30 years of life. and yet i remain oddly certain that God will use me somehow, and when i think about it i can't imagine what He could possibly do with me. and as i go through my mechanical life i've lately found myself asking, "why am i here, Lord?". when He answers i wonder what He'll say.

flame

i was listening to a cd my friend brought back from her trip to london called the Scot project. it's original mixes with sampled prayers from events and prayer rooms in scotland. i'm overwhelmed every time i listen to it. overwhelmed and challenged to pray for portland like never before.

john wesley once said, "i set myself on fire and people come to watch me burn". i think about that alot. as i've been listening to the cd i've been struck with the awareness that i'm witnessing people burn. more than at any other time in my life i find myself burning with longing - a longing to burn. i look around at the church in this city and i see so much fuel, but not so much fire. i'm aching to know what this lid is over us keeping us from longing, and how to break through.

so many times we feel like we're in 'the desert' and we cry out to God for water. maybe that's the wrong prayer. maybe instead of asking for raindrops we should be asking for a flame. maybe it's time for us to be consumed so when those in our lives look at us they see only Him.

i want God. i want Him so badly. i want Him in the silly little everyday things i do, in my friends, in my co-workers, in my church, in my city...i just want God. i see the valley of dry bones and God asks me if they can live. i know they could, but will they? God knows that if they don't live i won't either.

Father breathe here. breathe in me, in my life, my friends, my workplace, my church, my city. come with Your flame and ignite this dry and worthless kindling that is me. make me a burning one that will ignite those around me and ruin their plans for an ordinary life. Lord come break through this horrible niceness of life that keeps us from desperation. make us more concerned with being lost in the fire of Your heart than we are about living our comfortable little lives.

thoughts

i've come to realize i don't communicate the things in my heart (maybe this is why i'm such a crybaby!). it's the residue of growing up in an environment where you are not free to speak your mind or disagree. it makes you hesitant to express anything important; it feels too risky.

God has been challenging me about this under the broad umbrella of not living in the shadow of the fears and habits of 'survival'. at our dhop retreat my friend kathleen prayed for me and gave a picture of a bird with a broken wing. she said she saw me as that bird, but my broken wing had been mended so i could fly again. she admonished me not to look back at what kept me from flying, to quit trying to figure it out, but just go for it and fly.

what an accurate picture. the more i thought about this the more i realized how i do still in many ways live in the mindset that i can't fly. the more i think about who i am, and about what God has told me about what He has for my life, the more excited i am about exploring flight. to be perfectly honest, i'm a bit tired of looking inward. it feels self-absorbed, and i'm still learning the balance. i don't want to be the one that looks in the mirror, walks away and forgets what they see, but i also don't want to be the one that is so focused on 'improving myself' that i don't see anyone else.

keeping me afraid to speak my heart has been a sly device of the enemy that has also kept me from talking freely about my beautiful God. i've been such a chicken about it, and i just can't go on keeping the indescribable amazingness of His beauty and love to myself. i'm really convicted about this.

so i am working to be more honest with those around me about my God, my opinoins, feelings, dreams and thoughts. my prayer is that God will honor my desire to share my heart inspite of fear, and somehow reveal His heart and beauty through this.