stalker

i've just finished making my blog rounds. i have several that i look at daily. some are my friends' blogs and some are just blogs i like. i have a job where there is often dead time between calls and i can pop in and read about people's lives. sometimes i pop in on them several times a day. i'm really quite the blog addict. most of the ones i visit are linked over here on the right.

my friend pete updated his blog last night or today sometime. i just looked at it and realized that i comment excessively. it made me not want to comment on any of the three new posts he just put up. i don't just do that to pete, either, but i think it shows up more on his because other people either don't visit it as much or don't admit it by posting comments. as with so many internet things i'm not sure what the etiquette really is. does this make me a blog stalker? i love comments on my blog and figure everyone must. maybe that's not true. maybe some people are like, "there's that sheena chick again. she even talks too much in type!"

so if you think i'm stalking you (shawn, pete, kathleen, carla, carlos, linda and anyone else i left out), well maybe i am. but i mean well so don't put out any restraining orders yet.

jumble

i feel a bit jumbled right now. it's late saturday night and i've had quite a weekend already. yesterday i saw my friend janelle. she lives in london and was out with her family to visit relatives. i've known her since i was 16 and we have the kind of friendship that picks up as if we'd never been apart whenever we see eachother. she's very dear to me and i was so happy she was able to make time to see me even though she flew out this morning.

for dinner we went to a restaurant by the oregon convention center where there happened to be a square dance convention taking place. there were couples everywhere having dinner at the restaurant and the couple above let me take their picture (aren't they too cute?). janelle and i ate and caught up for a couple hours before we headed over to fred meyer until the store closed at 11 to spend the last of her american cash on all the little things she might want to take back with her. when we headed back to her aunt's where she was staying the night we sat in the car talking until nearly two. we would've stayed longer but i had to take a 2 to 6am shift at a 12-hour dhop all-nighter.

it's always hard to say goodbye to janelle, but for some reason it was especially hard this time. when i got to the church and renee asked me how it was seeing janelle i cried like a baby. later i spent some time praying for janelle, her family and the season God has her in right now. i don't like that i can't be more closely involved in her day-to-day life. it's hard for me to know she's going through stuff but we can't just pick up the phone or go get coffee and talk about it. i pray for her alot as it is, but i wish i could do more.

sleep was awesome at 8am when i finally got to it, and church was good tonight, but more than anything today i found myself thinking about the friends God has given me that are in the uk. the work He has me doing here is sometimes so hard, but there's such a joy in it that it makes it worthwhile. i find myself so burdened to ask for an increase of this joy in them, knowing this is they only way they will be able to stand under the weight of the darkness in the work that He has them doing. i long for all of them to each be reminded of the greatness of the love of God for them, His nearness and the joy He has as He thinks of them and spends time with them. my prayer is that God will keep them safe and will refresh them as they continue to press back against the darkness and walk out His will. i pray that God will come and do in them what He has called them to do so that they will not be overwhelmed by the work that still needs to be done. Lord keep them in Your hand and next to Your heart.

clouds

wednesday was rainy. we even had a thunderstorm. everyone at work was complaining about how gloomy it was. maybe i'm odd, but i don't mind rain. i love a nice sunny day, but there's something soothing about a rainy day. it's a good thing i don't mind it because it rains alot here.

i drove home from work yesterday i thought about the difference in the sky from the evening before. we've had some beautiful weather lately. even the day of the big storm it was beautiful, sunny and warm(ish) until about 7pm when the storm rolled in. (not that rainy isn't beautiful, but it was sunny beautiful.) as i checked out the patchwork of light and dark clouds, with the blue just poking through here and there, the thought crossed my mind that we were in for another amazing sunset. that's when i realized...the best of sunsets are never in a clear sky.

so here's the life application: when life's been stormy and we have to go by faith to believe that the sun is there, that's when God's glory is most beautifully displayed. the troubles in life only set it up for God to show His beauty by making us beautiful. i think one of the most amazing and intimate verses in the bible is john 16:33. it's at the last supper when Jesus says, "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." it always blows me away to think of the sweetness with which He must've said this, and the fact that He was comforting them even though He must've been overwhelmed even then with what would come next. He knew the clouds would bring a sunset more beautiful that had ever been seen before, and He was telling them to look for it.

tweaker

i have seriously tweaked with my blog today. i got the itch and had to do it. the cool thing is that the edinburgh picture in the background is from a live webcam, which means it should be changing. if the picture is dark and hard to make out it's likely because it's night there. i tried to find a portland webcam (and i may still) but i got some pretty skanky results when i googled webcam, so i'll have to find a decent one. :-)

i had some deep thoughts today, but i'll have to post them tomorrow since i need to go to bed pretty soon. i have a dhop 'social' over here tomorrow night so i took the early shift (7am! ugh!!!) so i could be home to tidy up before everyone gets here.

from the rooftop

i sit out here upon the roof
seeing great and feeling small
as sunset haze comes painted red
to fall upon the trees

i see glimpses of the gorge beyond
it takes my breath away
the haze of sunset covers all
and it sit here spellbound
hardly able to take in this autumn evening

somewhere within me emotions are mingled
this beauty touches a place so deep
it unstops both joy and pain
and though i smile i long to cry
to be as beautiful within
as this all is without

deeper now the colors turn
lights are flickering
as the haze grows slowly deeper
children's voices are carried
through the coolness of the air
and my heart yearns for that
which i have never know
never had and never understood
and i long for the One
who created all this beauty
to see His face as we take it in together

still i watch as darkness comes
and the spell is all but broken
the children have all gone inside
and the haze has covered all
all but the moon
all but my longing
all but the little glimpse of heaven
i had from the rooftop

(september 1998)

amazed

i heard on the news this morning there might be another storm tonight like the one last night, so i rallied some of my friends from the dhop to meet up at crown point to see the storm in all it's glory. we didn't see the storm but we saw God.

as you can see from the picture above, sunset was amazing. that's patrick on the wall of the vista house. along with patrick and myself, kelly, ben and seabrook were there. sunset was indescribable, casting it's rosy cloak over the majesty of the columbia river gorge. i felt God so close as He enjoyed my awe at His beautiful work. soon the other sunset-watchers left and there were only a few others there beside us. we got out the guitar and a hand drum and worshipped for a bit as the last of the sunset slipped beyond sight. it was magnificent.

as we finished singing and walked a bit away from the car a guy asked us for directions back to the freeway. as we chatted with him it came out that he was out here because his friend moved out and he came along for the road trip for company. as we were talking with him i was pretty sure he was a christian so i started asking him questions. i felt like we were supposed to pray with him, but i didn't want to freak him out. turns out his name is ken, and he is not only a christian, but he's the dean of a college in illinois and is some sort of lay minister for the college group at his catholic parish. pretty cool. he got really jazzed when we told him about the house of prayer. we tried to invite him to our thing this friday but he'll be gone.

as we were finishing our chat with him he asked us to pray for him. i was wondering how it would go since he was catholic and we lean toward a more 'exuberant' style of prayer than is usually associated with the catholic church, so i quietly prayed for God to give us wisdom, then began to pray the things God put on my heart for ken. as i did i suddenly realized he was speaking in tongues! it was so cool. we all prayed for him and then he asked us if he could give us each a blessing. up to then he'd seemed kindof shy, but as he put his hands on each of our heads there was a quiet confidence and authority that carried with it a sense of the presence of God. as he blessed me he said, 'may the love of God be so evident in and through you that people know that they've been with Jesus'. the coolest thing was that it's not the first time someone has prayed this for me or spoken it over me. each of the blessings ken gave the others were the same way, but each very different. isn't that wild?

tonight God surrounded me with friends, kissed me with an amazing sunset and covered me in His love. all this and He worked it out in a way that blessed a stranger
as well. what a beautiful God.

happy day

today was so lovely. i got some stuff done around the house, had prayer time with good friends, caught up on blogs and email and stood outside in the most delicious storm of my life and watched an indescribable sunset forked with lightning and framed by the most intense glowing rainbow i've ever seen.

as if that's not enough, i found a bunch of my old poetry and watched the sunrise in edinburgh via a webcam.


things i'm thankful for today:

~the storm

~the rainbows (there were 2, one above the other)

~webcams that let me see places i long for

~friends that want to get together just to pray

~dove dark chocolates

~blogs...mine or other people's. i'm such a blog junkie.

~my bed

~my camera phone

~google

share on shame

the very word shame instantly evokes emotion in many people. i have been thinking alot about shame today. i read this today and it got me thinking about the work of shame in our lives. i'd love to hear your thoughts about shame. here are mine.

i lived so much of my life in shame. all of us are effected by it, but some much more than others. i got together to pray with some friends today and found my heart heavy with the thoughts of how many people are crippled by it. today the shame thing seems especially significant because it's father's day and portland's gay pride day. there's a whole segment of society 'celebrating' their shame today in my city. they've created an identity rooted in the shame they have given up trying to get out from under. there are fathers that are ashamed of how they've handled fatherhood, and children that have walked in shame that was put on them by their own fathers. today is a painful day for many people.

as we got together and prayed today we asked God to show us the opposite of shame. the conclusion we came to was that it is worth. the work of shame is to convince us that we have no worth to God and/or to others. shame is complicated to put your finger on because it is the fertile soil for so many other things like pride, anger and sins we turn to for comfort. freedom from shame comes in the realization that we are valued as we are, dirt, sin, pain and all.

as we were praying i opened up to psalm 32. here's what it says...

Oh, what joy for those
whose rebellion is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those
whose record the LORD has cleared of sin,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refused to confess my sin,
I was weak and miserable,
and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself,
"I will confess my rebellion to the LORD."
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly confess their rebellion to you
while there is time, that they may not drown
in the floodwaters of judgment.
For you are my hiding place;
you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
The LORD says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control."
Many sorrows come to the wicked,
but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the LORD.
So rejoice in the LORD and be glad, all you who obey him!
Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!

i love that it says, "let all the godly confess their rebellion to you while there is time". it says godly, not wicked. being godly has nothing to do with being perfect and everything to do with positioning ourselves to transparency before Him. this transparency requires courage and risk of God's rejection, but the beauty is that we soon become aware that God won't reject us. He can't. He's made Himself incapable of it.

the other thing i was thinking was how shame works in God's people. it is directly contrary to the warfare spirit that rises up, defies the work of the enemy and fights in declaration of God's truth. the work of shame brings us to hopelessness and resignation that is contrary to faith and confidence in the nature and love of God.

there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. God doesn't hold anything against us because he loves us and has made us valuable. He can't see us any other way. as we risk being transparent before Him it allows Him to come and show us the lies we believed about our worth and opens the door for Him to speak His truth to our hearts about who we really are. we are His children, co-heirs with Jesus. all that the Father has is for us to share with Him.

romans 8 continues on to say in verses 15-17, "So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into his family--calling him "Father, dear Father." For his Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God's children. And since we are his children, we will share his treasures--for everything God gives to his Son, Christ, is ours, too."

isn't God amazing?

more gallery

here's more of my phone photograpy from the last 2 weeks...


daisies




butterfly




the afternoon sky




out the lunchroom window




thistle (i've never seen them grow out here)




straight pimpin' ride

test of faith

this was an interesting quiz... "You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan"

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists. Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 93% Neo orthodox 71% Fundamentalist 64% Charismatic/Pentecostal 61% Emergent/Postmodern 61% Reformed Evangelical 54% Classical Liberal 29% Modern Liberal 21% Roman Catholic 4% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

drama

it's all around me. i know i need to get this out of my head but i won't have time until tonight after work. i'm throwing a bit of this down now just to get myself started.

one of my sisters cut my dad out of her life yesterday. talk about drama. as you can imagine, this was the culmination of many years of drama simmering under the surface, and part of a larger picture that God has lately been pressing my heart to pray more for. i know what God wants of me, how he wants me to walk out my part of this, and it's not cutting dad out of my life. it would be so much easier if it was, but it's not about me. it's about dad and mom and the grace of God being there to help them walk out the healing He has waiting for them. it's about people learning to live from a place of loving God and responding to His heart, and not covered in shame trying to self-protect and hide how little we really have it together.

the fact that my family of origin has never been healthy or functional is the hardest part to have back in my face. the beautiful part is the family God's given me that isn't flesh and blood family, but heart family. His family. He's surrounded me with support that isn't emotionally involved in the situation.

i love my sister. i love my dad. i love everyone involved in this and i want to see them all whole in the love of God. please keep me (and my family) in prayers so i'll have the courage to have the difficult conversations i now need to have.

words

i was thinking today of what i should say when i sat down to blog about the last 48. how do you sum up what God does in something like that? what He's doing in the spirit in this city is going to blow everyone out of the water. i hate to be so self-referential, but i think it would be easiest to tell you what God did in me this weekend.

as i posted a bit ago, God has been speaking to me about stepping out in the things i feel He's telling me to do or to pray about. He's been challenging me the last several months to take my place in His body and in this city. it sounds a bit generic, but it really isn't to me. i disqualify myself and let fear get in the way of stepping out in faith. He's been challenging me to believe that i really do know His voice, and to act accordingly. a pastor friend of mine that prayed for me a couple weekends ago prayed all these things over me without knowing this was what God's been saying to me. it was awesome.

so this weekend at our 48 we saw the themes emerge that we've been praying over the region the past few weeks. God spoke clearly about an army of children He's raising up. He spoke of resources, both financial and in manpower, being raised up and released to this city. He said some amazing beautiful things, but the thing that impacted me most was the way He created deeper relationship among us.

i was there thursday night until midnight, and friday night around 9 until we finished saturday night at 8. it wasn't until some time saturday afternoon i found myself praying 'God this is awesome, and i love being here with you, but why am i here? what do you want to do?'. as the day progressed the presence of God grew thicker and stronger until finally i just put myself on the floor and waited on Him.

as i was laying on the floor i was praying with the others in the room about God raising up and giving boldness to those who would speak His word to the people of this city. i suddenly realized that i was one of those that we were praying for, and it was so overwhelming that all i could do was breathe. as i laid there breathing i gradually became aware that God was so close to me that when i breathed in it was the breath He had just breathed out, and as i breathed out i found myself blowing the breath of God over my city. i didn't have words, that was my prayer.

after a while i sat up and as we were finishing the last session they had all the children and youth come in the middle to be prayed for. i couldn't really stand at that point, so i figured God would show me who to pray for and enable me to walk over to them when He wanted me to. i saw patrick and knew i had to pray for him. when i got up to go over there my hands felt like i had electricity running through them and a prayer of healing and impartation came pouring out. i got a little insecure as we went along because the things that i felt to pray were pretty specific and not things that pat and i had ever talked about. turned out later when i talked to him that it was all true and he and i were both a bit blown away by it.

it makes me teary just thinking about it. i so adore patrick that i don't have words for it. his friendship is such a blessing to me. he's so sincere and open and he longs for God so much sometimes i think he'll burst. his heart is so hungry to please God and the enemy comes with lies tries to disqualify him. it was incredible to see God point His finger in the face of the enemy and say, 'back off', yet at the same time gather my little brother into His arms and reassure Him of His love and favor with the gentle words of a faithful Father. if that few minutes of prayer with pat were the only reason i was there (and i don't think it was...but even if it was...) it was worth the whole thing.

as if that wasn't beautiful enough i ended up hanging out last night with some high schoolers that have been around for the last 2 48s. they were all at my friend lydia's house and ben called me and told me to come over since we were supposed to hang out. i got over there and they were hanging out in the basement worshipping. at some point i ended up with a guitar and we plunged into God. it was so sweet and beautiful. after a while i was back on the couch and was praying for one of the guys, an absolute gem named jake. i can't wait to see where his life takes him because it's so clear that the finger of God is on him.

after i prayed with jake one of the girls i'd talked to the afternoon before came and sat by me. before long she was laying with her head on my knee and i found myself praying for her. as i began to pray God started telling me all these things about her and when i prayed them she just broke open and cried her heart out. the more she cried the more God seemed to have to say to her, and met her in a big huge way. it was especially cool that i was the stranger in the group because everyone there knew the things that were prayed were true and that i had no way of knowing those things. it was clearly God.

i'm still a bit in awe of all of it. i know i'm not the only one God stretched and grew over the course of these last three 48s. each of us could tell our own story of what God has broken open in our lives. now i find myself in the strange place of being surrounded by high schoolers that want me to hang out with them. it's strangely hard for me to be wanted like that. it's humbling. very humbling. it's hard to receive such an extravagant gift and it's hard for me to believe that God would trust me with their friendship. i know this is going somewhere that is meant to have a lasting effect on some of these young lives, and it moves me deeply to look back at those who were that for me and think that i could be that for these. i feel horribly flawed and and unworthy, and amazingly at peace with the knowledge that this is God's doing.

i witnessed the birth of beautiful eternal things this weekend. what an amazing God.

sleepy

i have lots to write about right now. not that people are flocking to my blog, hanging on my every word...but you may have noticed i haven't been posting as much lately. i've been insanely busy and putting in overtime at work now that we're in 'busy season'. i even brought some stuff home to study since i'll be starting latin american training on tuesday. but that's not what i have to write about. we just finished another 48hours of prayer and it was amazing. of course. like it would ever be otherwise.

but as much as i have to say i'll have to say it tomorrow. i'm too tired to blog right now. apart from a 3-hour nap from 4:30-7:30 this morning, i've been up since 7am friday morning and now it's 12:22am on sunday morning. i thought i'd try to blog some of this stuff before i went to bed but now that i've started i'm just too darn tired.

so, more tomorrow.

client email

here i am again with a few email inquiries i had to answer at work. i'm sure you'll be as amused as i was...


inquiry:
"I purchased a Eurail Select Pass and want to purchase a ticket using that pass online. Is there a way I can do that without having to pay for using my creditcard and just charging it to my pass?"

**************************

and here's the other:

**************************

inquiry:
"I wish to take my car to Bulgaria from Uk in August/September. How close can I get before I have to start driving? Any idea of cost also please.Many thanks for any help that you can offer."

my reply:
"Dear Traveler,

Thank you for your inquiry. It isn't entirely clear what information you require. If you are looking for information on how to transport a car by rail from the UK to Bulgaria you will need to check with each country's rail system for specific information. To transport your car out of the UK through the Channel tunnel you will need to contact Eurotunnel for shipping rates.

There are some trains that transport automobiles, but we do not book those trains. We offer rail tickets and passes issued by the countries participating in the Eurail Commission for non-European passengers to access discounted rail travel through Europe. I am sorry to say we do not have information on shipping via rail.

Good luck with your endeavor.
Best regards,

Sheena
Internet Help Desk - PDX"

critic's corner

everyone's a critic. i'm one of everyone. i'm creating my critic's corner and this installment will focus on music. nothing very new since i haven't gotten anything new lately, but here it is...

maroon 5 :
i recently bought their album, songs about jane. i'd seen some of their concert footage on tv several times, and though the were a bit unpolished i liked their jazz-rooted sound and catchy tunes. so i went out and got their album. i really don't like it. it sounds like an unpolished band that a really slick producer squeezed into an over-polished album. i got into travis on their invisble band album after catching some of their concert footage on tv. really like them. was hoping maroon 5 would be another travis for me, but no. sadly, no. lyrics are a bit on the sexual side and depressing. not my cup of tea.

train:
i have all of their albums, but the last one, my own private nation, didn't hit me the same way when i first listened to it. i had a feeling i'd like it later so i put it away for a while. like year or so. i decided to pull it out today and it's amazing! what brilliant lyrics. and the vocals are awesome. his vioce is primo. it may be to 'pop-ish' for some of my friends who will remain nameless. i think some of my other friends would really like it.

kenna :
new sacred cow is one of the best albums ever.

there's a good start to the critic's corner. look out for upcoming critiques on the batch of music that will be on my door in a few days and some books i've recently read.

single and wheezy

as i was walking tonight i was thinking of two things. the first is that as humiliating as it can sometimes be to be out of shape, it's much more humiliating to be 'getting into shape'. i'm one who has never in my life been in any shape but fairly round. as i hauled my chubby self up 'The Hill' tonight and muttered under my asthmatically wheezing breath "i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" i had to admit that i was glad for the semi-darkness.

so much of me has changed in the last few years. i've worked hard on my soul, lining it up with what God says and not what 'feels true', learning to be comfortable in my own skin. i've lots more work that will take me the rest of my life, but i've earned a new respect for myself. now it's time the outside of me lines up with the inside. no more excused, no more limitations. i really can do ALL things through Christ because it is He that works in me, both to will and to do His good pleasure.

the other thing i was thinking about was marriage. my pastor told me once that it's much easier to be single than to be married, and to enjoy being single while i had it. he was laughing when he said it, but i know he meant it. my dad used to say that marriage is the end of all your problems...the front end.

several of my friends are newlywed couples. i see clearly what my pastor was saying. trying to make two lives become one is a whole lot more work than i can understand this side of it. i watch them work this out in their different ways, i pray with my girlfriends and listen with them to the counsel of the women that have walked this out already and i see it will be worth it, but tilling for the first time the soil for the garden of 'til death do us part' is clearly some pretty hard work. as much as i look forward to the companionship, family and children someday, and just being wrapped in someone's arms on a regular basis (i don't get alot of that in my life right now. i really am looking forward to it) , the work of daily and always choosing to love honor and cherish seems pretty intense.

so i think i'm just fine hanging out in this single thing as long as God has it for me to do.

fresh

first off i want to say welcome and thank you to those of you who have come in for a visit and left a comment or two. i love interaction (be it what it may in blog format) and i think it's great that you all feel comfortable leaving comments. i've grown quite attached to blogging and it makes me happy to know someone else is enjoing it too.

so now back to me. ;-)

the headache thing is starting to worry me. this week i had a headache every day but yesterday, and i woke up with one today. they aren't just headaches, either. they're low-grade migranes, always on the right side of my head accompanied by nausia, sensitivity to light and slight puffiness on that side of my face. classic migrane simptoms, but not something i've had to deal with regularly until the last about 6 months of my life. my insurance changed this week so i couldn't make an appointment with the doctor until next week.

to be perfectly honest i felt deep down that it was more spiritual than physical. not to be cookey, but i've seen time and again that when people step out and push against the resistance of the enemy and get serious about making way for God to move and save and all that good stuff that the enemy tries to push back. i've been feeling this headache thing was that pushing back.

since i woke up with another of the same headaches i pretty much just chilled all day. i got ready for church and got there a bit late since i wasn't on the schedule for anything (that happens only about every 6 to 8 weeks) and by then my head hurt more and i was really frustrated and not into it at all. tonight was a special service, too. up til now our eldership has been two guys, larry and jack, from the pastoral team at city bible, the church we were sent out of. tonight one of the guys from our original church plant team of 6 years ago was set in as an elder. because of this there were lots of visitors, including jack and larry, who are old friends of mine since i grew up at that church.

after the service i ended up asking steve, my pastor to pray for me. he said sure, but maybe i should ask jack to pray for me. so i did. we talked for a few minutes and he and i came to a similar conclusion that this was an assignment to wear me down in this season that we're really pushing forward. i had to admit there has been some fear of retaliation in my heart, and maybe this was creating an open door for this. it was pretty cool though, once jack started praying because God really started talking to him and as he prayed the things he was saying were specifically things God has been talking to me about. it was direct confirmation, some of it with code phrases i've used jokingly with friends that he would have no way of knowing. it was amazing.

God's really been challenging me to step up to the plate and take my place in this city and in His body in this city. He's been challenging me not to let myself be intimidated or to sell myself short. He's also been working into my heart a confidence i've never known before about myself and the gifts He's given me. it's not something that makes me want to go get all public or anything, but just a quiet assurance that those giftings are there and that they are the tools God will use to work through my life. God said so much to me tonight that can never be taken away. i do hear God. i'm beginning to rest in that.

oh, and my headache is gone. it went away sometime while jack was praying and i don't think it'll be back. isn't God amazing!?

bling

I'm loaded. It's official. I'm the 634,463,131 richest person on earth! How rich are you? >>

there are two things in life i would love to waive a magic wand over and be good at managing. one is money and the other is my car. i'm good at lots of things. i can make any space beautiful with not much to work with. i can make friends in a snap. i can sing pretty well, write pretty well and paint so-so. i can find a solution to almost any problem, can organize anything and have had marriage proposals for my cooking. but for all that i seem to have serious hang-ups with car maintenance and with making my dollars stretch.

cars and money fall into that category of things not simply dealt with. i want to do something and have it done. if i could just put gas in and change the oil that would make me so happy. but it doesn't work that way. tires need changing, breaks need replacing, cars need to be cleaned out and light bulbs changed. i don't want to think about that...i just want to get in and go. i need to find the switch to flip in my head that gets me to think about and even enjoy taking care of my car as much as i love driving.

there's my confession of the day.

cult

my church started a service ministry to the students on portland state university campus. we've been meeting in the campus ministries building for saturday night services since january, so it was a natural place to start. we've set it up so that everyone in the church is assigned to one of two teams, with the teams alternating between service and prayer. whichever team is praying the other is serving. the prayer times have been awesome, and it's been great for us to all get out of our comfort zones, with 'intercessors' forced to get out and talk to people, and 'servants' forced to spend more time in prayer. we're all growing and bonding in the process.

the serving is pretty cool. we're just going around the common areas on campus and giving away bottled water, snacks, pens and coupons for free photocopying at the church office. we've been doing about 3 months now and people are just starting to say, 'hey...weren't you here last week?' to which we have the joy of saying, 'yes, and we'll be here next week, and the week after that, and the week after that.'

last night something pretty crazy happened. my group was on service duty and some of us met some guys that invited us to a bible study on campus at 9pm. six of us decided to drop in with steve, my pastor. as we were heading over steve said there was actually a local cult that did stuff on campus called the portland international church of christ (not to be confused with the church of christ denomination). my friend vickie said she'd heard of it because one of her old friends from youth group joined and disowned his family and cut off all his friends.

we got there and they were really happy to see us. right before we got started my friend rachael asked what church they were part of and the girl we were talking to said, 'portland international church of christ'. just then vickie's (ex)friend she told us about came in. we were alternately amused and creeped out. then they got started.

at first it was your basic serious christian stuff. he started with the great commission and talked about how being a christian and being a disciple were the same thing, and how being a disciple meant making disciples. that's all true and good. but then as he had different people read out passages as we went along, everyone would read with a really loud dramatic voice. it was a bit odd. after that he moved to the verse where Jesus says if you don't deny yourself and take up your cross daily you can't be His disciple. that's when it got really really creepy. they guy was pounding about how if we weren't willing to forsake it all we were going to hell because Jesus said we couldn't be His disciples, and everyone knows that being a disciple means being a christian.

that's when we started chiming in about how God told us to take up our cross 'daily' because He knows that we are weak and would need to fight sin every day. we chimed in about how God gives grace to work out our salvation because He knows it's a journey and not a moment of change. at one point we tried to bring up grace but he steered it away. he looked away from us and said something to everyone else along the lines of, "yes, but as it says in the bible, we cannot be His disciples if we are not willing to forsake EVERYTHING and follow Him." he finished the bible study by asking us to consider -truly consider- if we're really His disciple, and if we are really willing to give it all up to follow Him.

the worst part was him saying how proud he was of one of the guys, an exchange student from africa, who was baptized on sunday and decided his girlfriend was holding him back so he "cut her out of his life". that was one of those moments where all of us on the couch wanted to look at eachother but didn't dare. it was a little frightening how intense the guys was and what a deep sense of fear and shame was in the room.

i'm glad we went. it was a real eye-opener to see the enemy at work not just through the darkness, but through enough of the truth to make it seem right when it really wasn't. it made me that much more grateful for grace.