bittersweet

this may come out vague. i don't want to be too detailed because i'm talking about other people, but i really need to get some stuff out of my head. so here i am. i'm gonna try not to ramble.

friday night i was up until 2:30am on a 3+ hour phone call with a dear friend. among other things, we talked quite a while about someone we both love, but who has walked away from her faith. it's hard enough to have to see that, but she's in a bad space, depressed and making self-distructive choices that are outside of anything i thought she'd ever embrace. on top of that she seems to want to have nothing to do with me and won't return any contact i make with her, but has never said how or why or any of that.

these two i have known since we were kids, and they've lived through the exact same childhood traumas and abuses i have. one of the things that came up as my friend and i talked was that each of them sometimes get angry when they read my blog. that was a little strange to hear, but the reason was that they feel convicted by the things i write. the friend i was talking to said she get's mad at herself for not seeing people with more grace. our other friend can't get past how she was treated and is still angry at some of the same people i've chosen to forgive, which puts some of that same anger toward me. i don't think she reads my blog anymore, which i can understand in light of my other friend's confession.


i didn't really know what to do with that. as we talked my friend said that the ways she sees it, the injustices we endured in our various childhoods (can that be plural?) can either be treated as a weapon to be used against the people that hurt us, or can be used as a tool to grow, heal and become what we should be. she said that she saw that i used it as a tool, and i saw my father through eyes of grace, and she had trouble seeing her father that way. this was just a tiny part of our huge long conversation, but it's haunted me all weekend.

it's bittersweet to me. i've prayed so many prayers and cried so many tears before God, asking Him to help me see my father through His eyes. i've prayed and prayed to be like Jesus and let mercy win over judgement in how i view others. it blew me away to hear my friend say that because it means that God is answering, and other people see a tiny bit of God in me. the bitter part is the realization that not everyone wants to see God, or be reminded that He's there waiting for them to let go of the things that keep them from Him. the really really hard part is that i never thought it would be her.

life is choices laced together with time. every part of life is choices. the ability to be empty or fulfilled, happy or grumpy, forgiving or angry...these are all in our ability to make choices. i have had to chose to live in grace, chose to forgive, chose to defer my will to that of God and trust He sees the big picture better than i do. these are choices i have to continue to make every day. and yet the more i make them the easier they get until it's barely a second thought because i know i'm chosing peace and freedom. there are still days i'd rather be ruled by my over-developed sense of wounded justice, but i know where that leads, and i can't live that way anymore.

the hardest thing is to know she's angry at me, know that it's not anything i've done or can fix or change, and know that no matter how much i love her, encourage her and accept her she will still be angry and resentful until she decides to make different choices about what she does with her pain. i can't do anything to 'fix' it, it's all up to her. i have to continue on a path that leads me farther and farther from the path she has chosen. it's a really painful thing.

portland

i've been in an interesting space lately. as we've been really focusing on our 'can we help' community stuff and getting into the swing of things for the autumn and winter i've been re-taken with portland.

i've spent some time lately just wandering around dowtown with a camera in hand (you can view my portland album here). part of it is that i love this time of year, and part of it is the way i feel after travel. one thing i noticed in prague is that you can always spot the tourists because they're the only ones looking around. whenever i travel i come back with the desire to see my beautiful portland with tourist eyes. it's so easy to get comfortable with the cares and preoccupations of the daily grind. i live in one of the most beautiful cities ever. i hope i never lose sight of that.

when i was in germany God made it very clear to me that i need to be in edinburgh by next september. spending some time in edinburgh a week later just confirmed it all the more. i'm not sure how it will pan out, but i just need to be there to participate in the things God wants to do in that amazing city. but with that in mind i've found goodbyes (like when jben left) much more difficult than they seem like they should be. i've lived in portland since 1983, and it's always been a place i've loved.

jben called me from australia yesterday. it was so awesome to talk to him, especially since i was really missing him after our dhop meeting the night before where everyone was there but him. i got off the phone with a heavy heart because i know he has to be gone for a season, and it's not easy. but it's the only way for him to receive the things God wants to put in him to equip him for the rest of his life and ministry.

it just got me thinking again about my move and what that will really be like to leave the 'family'(both related and not) i have here. how lonely will it really be in the transition of establishing my new community of real relationships? how long before people really know me and can speak honestly into my life, and i into theirs? will edinburgh, the other city i love, gain some tarnish after i've lived there a bit, or will i always love it like i do portland? it's a jumble of questions and feelings that don't even all make sense, but all require further trust in God than i've had to put out up to now. and somehow my love for portland and desire to be a part of the things God is doing here just keeps growing. i love my job more than i ever have, and life is good - even with all the question marks ahead.

what a strange year i have ahead of me.

movies!

while i was on my trip i made a few movies. i did a google search for free video hosting so i could show them to you all. what i found was the fabuloso putfile, so here are my offerings...

please bear in mind they may take a bit to load, but it will be worthwhile. i promise. this was in berlin at the bundestag, and this was at gatwick airport, and we had just gotten back to england from germany.

these three are my 'piper documentary' starring chris lindsay. we were on high street in edinburgh and heard the piper. being the brilliant artists we are, we took advantage of the moment, chris polished up his accent and the rest is high street history. (notice the old man and policeman in the background of the final cut)
chris and the piper take 1
chris and the piper take 2
chris and the piper final cut

and finally, since i was always behind the camera this is the movie we made so there would be proof i was really in london. you'll see that i'm wearing the scarf my mommy made me. precious, isn't it?

i have to say thanks (again) to jake the fabú for the use of his lovely camera!

14 octubre

i missed my blogiversary! happy birthday, blog.

God talk: Holy Spirit

i've been thinking alot about the Holy Spirit lately. not just about what He does, but who He is. because sometimes people act like He's something ethereal, i think we can get put off by the whole subject, but i think i can demystify Him a bit.

we hear the names 'Holy Spirit' or 'Holy Ghost' or 'Spirit of God' and it sounds a bit spooky. really He's one of three aspects of God. the names Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost are a bit archaic, but that's what He's been called for at least a thousand years, so that's how we know Him.

the easiest way to know who He is would be to look at His role (for lack of a better word) in the Godhead. wherever you see the Holy Spirit in scripture you see Him revealing God the Father. in john 17:13-15 Jesus (God the Son) talks about how He will be going away (speaking of His death and later ascension), but how He's sending the Holy Spirit to guide them. Jesus said,
"When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not be presenting his own ideas; he will be telling you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. He will bring me glory by revealing to you whatever he receives from me. All that the Father has is mine; this is what I mean when I say that the Spirit will reveal to you whatever he receives from me."
Jesus pretty much summed it up. the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth. He is Truth, and because of that He is Revelation. to be perfectly accurate i think could call Him 'God the Truth and Revelation'.

think about this - when Jesus was baptized was when God the Father audibly said, 'This is My Son that I'm proud of' and the Holy Spirit shows up and touches on Jesus in a visual way that can only be described as 'like a dove'. this was the moment of Jesus being revealed as the Son of God, or God the Son, the One come to lead us to knowing the Father and bridge the gap of our sin nature that kept us from the Father. later, when everyone was in the upper room and the Holy Spirit came over them, again in a visual way that could only be described as 'like flames of fire', they ended up speaking different languages they'd never learned. as they went out into the streets and crowds gathered to see this amazing thing, peter got up and addressed the crowd. what he said under the prompting of the Holy Spirit revealed truth to thousands of people that day.

God the Revelation. it's not just what He does, it's who He is. whatever He is involved with will always bring us to understand the nature of God the Father. healing, deliverance, miracles, wisdom are all the work of God the Revelation, because in the end they all point out the Father. i was thinking about all this yesterday and it just struck me how, even though i know this stuff, i still treat Him like an It; a mystical being that is floating around me like casper or something giving me subconscious suggestions on how to be good and sending me peaceful vibes. if He is the One that will lead me in all Truth, and He is the One that will Reveal the compassion, love, grace, peace, patience, faithfulness, mercy, justice, beauty and all other aspects of the heart of God the Father, i need to deepen my relationship with Him. He is the personification of the unveiling of God. He is the One that discloses the nature of God, and Jesus sent Him to help me understand and get to know all the aspects of God...Father, Son and even Himself, Revelation.

as i was processing this all yesterday i was thinking about how that pertains to my prayer life. it struck me how little i've understood what i was praying in the past when i've said, "come Holy Spirit". what a powerful prayer! what would happen if the Revelation of Truth was actually welcome when He came? if we really did give Him the freedom to burn away the fog of pain and accompanying fear and lies that cloud our understanding of the love of the Father? i realized how desperately i need to know Him even more, and my friends need to know Him more, and my church community, and the body of Christ in this city. and as we do He will become more and more free to open heaven to this city so we can see God.

sad

a few minutes ago i was checking my email and i heard a loud *BOOM* that made me jump. it sounded like something hit the glass slider, i figured it was a bird. i went over to check it out and there was a pretty gray and red bird lying sideways on the gravel.

i wanted to help it if i could, but i didn't want to scare it into even more trauma. by the time i found a hand towel and went back out to try to help it had rolled over and it's feet were up.

i'm horribly soft. when i was about 17 my dad made me take a dead mouse out of the trap myself and i cried like a baby. it was so cute and i felt so bad for it! later, when a girl that was living with us knocked, from a high shelf, the caged gerbil she was supposed to be observing for a school project i was so distraught my stepmom came in and tried to pray for it while it was convulsing in my hands. and you should've seen me the time my dad hit a squirrel on the way to church.

now i'm 30 and i'm still a crybaby. i picked up the bird and could see that it was indeed dead, and that it had broken it's neck when it hit the window. poor little thing. i was talking to it, hoping it was just knocked out, but it never moved. it's a beautiful little thing, and it's sad that i couldn't see how beautiful it was until it was injured and then dead. it also seems sad that something so beautiful is so temporal. and if God put this much care into a little being that won't even be missed by anyone but it's nestmate, He must've been a little sad when it died.

and if that matters enough to me to make me cry, it must matter to God. and if something that small matters to God, than i matter to God. and if i matter to God then He cares that it made me cry to hold that pretty little bird in my hands and be the last one to feel the warmth of it's fleeting life. i don't understand death, pain and sadness, but somehow it makes me more certain of God's love for me. strange, isn't it? i'm sure there's some deep spiritual truth in there, His eye is on the sparrow and all that, but right now i'm just sad for the little bird.

profile

i've decided to change my profile picture. after much consideration i've chosen my cameraphone self-portait, taken the morning of my friend shaleen's wedding.

as you can see i'm wearing alot of makeup. this was what the salon did to me, and to the other bridesmaids as well, though i was the only one brave enough to document it. i took the picture because i knew it would be funny later. the shimmery eyeshadow made my skin peel. i washed it off and did it myself once we got back to the church.

good times.

janelle

and the good times keep rollin! my friend janelle just started a blog!

i met janelle when i was in london in 1991. we stayed up most of the night talking (that's what teenage girls do!) and we have stayed in touch since. in spite of the fact that there's nerly 6,000 miles between us, she's one of my favorite people. we have the kind of friendship that when we see eachother we pick up exactly where we left off. i don't see her nearly often enough, but now i can keep up with her daily life a bit better.

i love blogs.

art

yesterday i found art in the everyday. after church andrew and i took cameras to the south park blocks in downtown portland. we made as much art as a couple amateurs and a few hours could produce. i was thrilled to see this written on a store front window.

anyone that knows me well knows october is my favorite month in the pacific northwest. the magical haze at sunset, the turning of the leaves, the 'time-between-times' feeling in the air...it's breathtaking.

my favorite of all my shots were these:

finally!

two bits of good news...

the first is that i've finished my photo album, thanks to the jakenator and his generosity with his album space. i know you were all holding your breath in anticipation. please breathe now and sleep soundly tonight. take a look around and feel free to leave comments about the pictures.

the second bit of news is that ben finally started his official jben superhero blog. the world will never be the same.

peace

it all started on my way to work. i was minding my own business, driving to work when i got a flat about a mile away from home. so i did what any smart, independent, creative and capable 30-year-old career woman would do. i called my dad and asked him to come help me since i didn't even know if i had all the parts to my car's jack.

it was okay, though. he was free to come help me and set out for my car right away. my dad is a good man that has life wounds that get in the way of him being able to be fatherly, so when God presents a situation where, by a little humbling of myself, i can let dad be a hero i'm pretty happy to do so. we get a bonding situation and he gets to be the most important person in my day.

while i was waiting for dad a (*very*) lovely man from a nearby construction crew came and changed my tire. i had a spare, one of those little doughnut things that won't let you drive more than 35mph on it. when my dad got there i figured we should just go buy me a new set of tires (they're all bald, apparently...which explains the flat) but he said we should do it on saturday and we can go to the tire shop where he has an account. good deal since i'm broke from my trip. i can pay it off in a couple chunks. so he drives of with my promise to call him tonight to work out the details.

after a quick call to work i take off again. about two miles later my spare goes flat. my positive attitude got much smaller and sheena said bad words (nottice i stated that last part in third person so as to remove myself from the guilt of the offence). from there i caught a bus, spending my last $1.50, and a few stops later 27 kindergarteners got on my bus.

the day got stranger from there. almost all my calls were really complicated, and i was only one of two people on the latin american bookings line, with all the other latin agents either in europe or brazil. then, about 45 minutes before the end of the day all the phones went dead for about 3 minutes. this is not good for a call center.

the guy that sits across from me had someone on the line that was angry because she said we'd disconnected her before. he assured her that he wouldn't put her on hold, but he'd put his headset on the desk while he got a supervisor to help him accommodate her (unreasonable) request. it was while his headset was on his desk the phone lines went out. i got her next and when i tried to transfer her back to him the phone system, which was still having some weird problem, dropped her call.

after work i went down to my church to wait for candice to pick me up. it gave me time to think about my day. it was nutty, sure, but life is nutty. that's what makes it so great. it's the leaps, hurdles, adventures and obstacles that make it great. to have gotten through a day like today, jet-lagged though i still am, and be able to walk through downtown and still be sane enough to enjoy the autumn colors in the park blocks or sing 'meet virginia' at the top of our lungs in candice's car is testament to the faithful love of God in my life that grounds me in the 'peace that passes understanding guarding my heart and mind'.

life will always rage around me, but God is my peace and (as psalm 23 says) He lets me rest in a peaceful place and restores my soul.

home

i thought this summed up my life pretty well.

it was strange to wake up in my own bed today. i've been in 10 different beds over the last 22 days...12 if you count airplanes. it's really good to be home, but my heart is feeling a bit fragile after seeing so many people i love and having to say goodbye to them all. i didn't cry so much on the plane this time, but i woke up crying today. i hope i'm not a basket-case for the next week.

now is the challenging part. i get to see all my friends over the next few days, but i'll have to explain a world they have no reference for, and a world that will be my world in the not-too-distant future. God made it pretty clear to my heart i'll be there next year, which is good because that's what i was planning, but the reality of that is that this will be a year (if that) of work to get things to a place where i am ready to be an asset to the community i will be part of. not to mention visas and finances and all the rest that goes with moving out of the country. i'm confident that this will be an intense season of very purposeful preparation and will require much more of me than anything else has so far.

i found the goodbyes extra hard this time, especially with ben leaving half-way through the trip to go back to australia. it brought home to me how hard it will be to leave the family and community i love and am deeply rooted in. it also made me aware that one of my biggest challenges this year is to continue to be current and open in my relationships and not try to insulate my heart so goodbyes aren't so painful. of anything i'll have to learn in this season this will require the most leaning on God and trusting He will make me able to walk through this transition and not be broken.

these are just my initial thoughts waking up today. i don't mean to sound dreary. i'm really glad to be back home. i can't tell you how much i missed everyone.

oh, and i'll be linking pictures soon. today...i hope.

updating...

let me start by saying that i haven't been able to post all of the things i wrote for my blog. some of it has been in this computer, waiting until we were somewhere with wi-fi. i may post those, may not. we'll see. i've taken loads and buckets of pictures, and i'm doing my 'london touristy day' tomorrw, so there will be loads more to post. jake has kindly given me some 'gallery' space on his website, so i'll be posting pics there over the next week. all the pics in this post i took over the weekend in edinburgh.

i'm sitting in our hostel in london, within earshot of the chimes of st paul's cathederal. we've been on a whirlwind of a trip, but we're coming to the end. boy do i miss my bed. it's been hard to keep saying goodbye to people i love, but amazingly wonderful to see everyone. it's like tug-o-war. God will have to help me sort it all out. i sure have cried alot in the last three weeks.

here's a couple more pics...