promotion

yay!

last night this went out in part of a company-wide email....

"We are very pleased to announce that Sheena has been promoted to the position of Lead Agent! We would also like to thank the other extremely qualified applicants for their time and patience during the selection process. It was a pleasure to talk to you all!

Sheena has two years of experience with the company, and has moved her way up by cross-training on all our products including Latin America. Her patience and positive attitude will be a great addition to the Lead team!"

i've interviewed several times for this position, as well as for a supervisor position. though the supervisor position pays better, this is the one i really wanted. it came with a sizeable raise, which never hurts, but also affords the chance for me to work more closely with my colleagues. i'll be on the internal help line, as well as in the position to be able to give feedback to improve training and procedure throughout the company.

i start the new position tomorrow. cool, eh?

mental

this is one of those posts i feel a little weird about, but one of my sisters urged me to blog about this. sometimes blogging is a way to talk about things that don't come up in everyday conversation. at times being open about my life has created an opportunity for someone else to talk about something similar in their life that they wouldn't normally talk about, or maybe have never talked about.

this is about my mother. not my stepmom that raised me, but the woman that gave birth to me. it's always awkward to talk about her because she's mentally ill, and if people don't know me, or aren't familiar with my background they rarely know what to say or how to respond. most of the time if i talk about her it's because i'm laughing about something she said or did, and i don't think people are quite sure it's okay to laugh, or maybe they think i'm sick to laugh about this stuff. i don't know.

i didn't grow up with my mom. she lost custody of us when i was a few months old, when she and my dad split. we were in foster care for a while, which i don't remember consciously, being less than a year old, and then dad got us. my earliest memory of my mother is her smacking my face when i was about 2½. she was holding me and i think i touched her chest, and that's why. i remember being somehow aware, in a two-year-old way, that she didn't know what she was doing and that she wasn't all there. later on she was committed a few times, which i didn't know about until i was older, and at one point she was homeless for several years.

my later memories of her are of the few times she visited us after we moved to oregon, and once or twice seeing her when we visited family in california. when i was about 10 or 11 her aunt and uncle died and left her a bunch of money. she flew each of us down in turn to visit her, and right about that time she stopped taking her meds. i'm the youngest, so i went down last, maybe a year to a year and a half after my oldest sister went to visit. by the time i got there her behavior was very strange, and she would get irrationally upset and agitated about nothing at all. looking back i see how traumatic that was for me, and after that visit my dad decided we would never visit her without him there. it was not terribly long after that she was homeless. she was really angry with my dad always, and did things like washing our school photos to get his influence off of us.

when my grandpa died she inherited more money and rented two apartments, one for herself and one for us kids, and furnished them both. we never saw the apartment, and the state of california would never have let her care for us, so when i found out about it (years later) i found it deeply disturbing that she let her fantasy so dominate her reality that she actually put resources toward the illusion. needless to say, she didn't have any of the money she inherited for very long.

since becoming an adult, and interacting with her on that level, it has been interesting to realize how much she milks the mentally ill thing. she doesn't like to take meds, so she doctor hops to avoid any diagnosis that requires meds. there's always meds involved, so she goes with whoever will give her the lowest dose. but then she gets really bizarre and eventually put into a care-home or institution. she's gotten to where she'll say whatever she thinks the doctor wants to hear.

she kindof does that with us kids, too. it's hard to talk to her because she likes things to go a certain way, and if they don't she gets really upset. she'll say something completely untrue right to me, and when i gently challenge her on it she'll try to change the subject. i don't have any relationship with her because there's nothing there with which to have the relationship. it's hard to know what to do, how to 'honor my mother' and what that really looks like with her.

but in spite of all that i still find myself amused by some of my interaction with her. i think it's a gift from God that i can laugh. i've always found the humor in even the most serious of scenerios, and mom's stuff is no exception. i know God still needs to heal some things in my heart that are connected to the whole mom thing, and i've had to do quite alot of forgiving to get to this point. i don't know where i'd be without a sense of humor, however warped it may be.

she writes letters that have me in stitches, not because the situation is funny, but because she's so random and yet so predictable. in every letter she talks about how God promised her a financial miracle, not thinking that maybe all the inheritance money she got all those years ago might be it. she always mentions the trials, and she always says something funny about her roommate. and among those things are the random bits that keep me laughing out "what in the world...?" through the entire letter.

at my sister's prompting i've included her latest below. when you get to the end and think i spelled p.s. wrong, i didn't. that's what she wrote. also when you get to the very end remember that her name is kelly and i have no idea what she's talking about with that last line.

***
dear sheena,

i'm sorry i missed you at christmas. your sister and i had christmas together with her boyfriend and his daughter. it was at his mother's house and it was so nice. we had prime rib (your sister cooked). i had a bad cold.

it's about birthday time again. january 20th! you were the greatest gift God ever gave me!!!!
i've been having some trials. i've waited all my life to be with you and my money hasn't got here yet but i'm still believing God for a financial miracle. i was so broke i didn't have shoes and socks. i've been so broke for so long i can hardly afford jack-in-the-box. God promised me a financial miracle so i can spend time with you.

my roommate is a wonderful friend and a beautiful black sister. she really is nice and treats me well and is a goodroommatee. she was born in switzerland and lived in nyc. her family is all dead and she's never been married. we have this rug/throw on the floor that says...

dear God be good to me...the sea is so wide and my boat is so very small.

this month i'm doing a drug study (not as bad as it sounds) in the hospital. i go in for 2½ or 3 weeks. they get us pizza, take us to the mall and spend $ on us, give us headphones (sony) to keep. we get phone cards, soda etc. they pay $25 per day and i hear its really fun. they try us on medication very close to what we take. i'm going to take some of the money and start saving so i can come see you this summer.

well i guess its all for now. i have Jesus and He is a wonderful husband to me. i don't want another husband.

guess that's all for now. happy birthday and i'll call you after my study.

love,
mama

p.j. just call me hanna

***

mapgirl

i've done something nerdy. i've made a map showing the location of people who visit my blog.

okay, so i didn't actually make the map, but i marked it. the pink dots are frequent visitor locations (what i like to call "blog-stalkers"), and the green are occasional or one-time visits.

yes, i know i'm a nerd. but i'll always draw comfort from knowing pete is nerdier still.

anglophile

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

i swear i didn't rig this! i just answered honestly. i already know i'm an anglophile, but funny to get this answer all the same.

so fess up...What City Do You Belong In?

31

wasn't i so cute? insanely so. don't you just want to pinch my chubby little cheeks? well now i'm 31, so you can't!


the birthday was really nice. three of my chick possee went to the art museum with me today. it was fantastic! i'm so glad we went. then we ate our brains out on stanford's horribly-fatty-but-super-yummy happy hour menu, before heading off to the house of prayer. i kicked it with my peeps, saw amazing art and cashed in. what better way to spend my day?

i did cash in. i got a turquoise ring, some pretty fridge magnets and an mp3 player! it's the cutest little thing! it looks like this...



so far 31 is working out quite well.

tiempo

this is the last chance i have to blog as a 30-year-old. in about an hour and 10 minutes this day will turn to the next, and the next marks the day this year of my existence turns to the next. gifts will not be turned away...though all i really want is a few packs of guitar strings. and maybe a powerball ticket. preferably a winning powerball ticket. ($101 mil! think of the tithe on that!)

i don't really know what i think of 31, except that i believe it will hold some of my biggest life-changes yet. i have done things this last year that i have spent most of my life dreaming of, and it's started a trend i can't let go. i've come to know God in ways i hadn't conceived of, and i love Him and want to know Him more than i ever have before. i have much more work to do on me and in me, but i know that God will show me what, when, where and how, and it will not overwhelm me like i always thought it would. i am both eagerly and nervously looking forward to the next 12 months.

so tomorrow i will sleep until 10, drink loads of good coffee and museum-hop with people i love at the time i would normally be sitting in my cubicle talking to irritated and under-informed travel agents about their clients' trips. i think it's going to be a lovely day. 31 look out.

trans-mongolian madness revisited

this is a picture of a sleeping berth on the trans-mongolian railway. back in may i blogged this about that specific railway and yesterday, while answering an email from a potential client, i was able to draw upon that information.

we get all sorts of amusing email from people on our website wanting strange and illogical information. this one was especially amusing as i considered the route this person would need to take to actually do this trip.

the email went as follows...

*****
Question:
i am planning my trip from Islamabad, pakistan for Sweden can you suggest me the travell? well what i think the possible route is pakistan-china, china-russia, russia-finland, finland-sweden please assist me if you can.

Answer:
Dear Travel Enthusiast,

Thank you for your inquiry. I am not familliar with the rail systems beyond Eastern Europe, but there is a routing between Bejing and Moscow on the Trans-Mongolian Railway. It takes about 6 days, and the only information I had was starting in Moscow. This is a list of the route, but if you come from Bejing (Peking) you will want to look at the bottom of the list and go up.

Moskva Iaroslavskaja
Wladimir Pass
Gorkii Mosk
Kirow Pass
Balesino
Perm 2
Swerdlowsk Pass
Tjumen
Ischim
Omsk
Barabinsk
Novosibirsk(RUS)
Mariinsk
Bogotol
Achinsk 1
Krasnojarsk Pass
Ilanskaja
Tajshet
Nishneudinsk
Sima
Angarsk
Irkutsk-Sort
Irkutsk Passajirskij
Sljudjanka 1
Ulan-Ude Pass
Zagustaj
Gusinoe Osero
Djida
Nauschki
Naushki(Gr)
Suche-Bator
Darchan
Dsun-Chara
Ulan-Bator
Chojr
Sajn-Sanda
Dsamin-Ude
Erljan
Cszininnan
Datong
Chjancszyakounan
Kanchjuan
Nankou
Peking


It is a German-based database, so the spellings of some of these may reflect that. I'm not sure where you would purchase these tickets, or the cost, but I'm sure a search on www.google.com would help you find that.

Best Regards,
Sheena L
Internet Help Desk
*****

why would anyone do that to themselves. fly, people! fly!

flashback

we had an 80s party.

we went a little crazy with the makeup, but it was worth it, don't you think? notice my hot purse.

distracted

life just moves right along, doesn't it? it's been ages since i've posted anything. work has gotten crazy, so i've been coming home and zoning out. tonight i figured i'd at least pretend i had something interesting to say since i have such a massive following that hangs on my every blog.


all sarcasm aside, life really has been interesting. hard, fun, busy and quiet all at the same time. i'm settling into a little routine and trying to make some good habits. at the same time i'm keenly aware that the day-to-day will shortly make way for the biggest adventure of my life to date, my not-so-distant move out of the country. today i found one-way fares to edinburgh for under $500. it's a little scary to see how feasible this really is.

also in the forefront of my attention right is the wake of the choices of a few of my dear friends that have walked a way from their faith and relationships in our close-knit community, and one even his wife and child. it's intense and painful. it also causes a tsunami of determination to rise up in my heart to look with eyes of grace on the offenders, and to do all i can to support those left behind to pick up the pieces. somehow in all that determination i keep forgetting that i'm bothered by this too, and keep finding myself randomly moved to tears about my own loss in all of this. these are my friends, and like family to me. these are people i never thought would make such self-focused and self-destructive choices, and it's just plain painful to know the path they walk will bring nothing but hurt and shame.


so, as you see, my life is one big adventure right now, distracting me from the ever-important blog. i hope to do a bit better this week keeping up. i have plenty to write about, and some hot pictures of saturday night's 80's party. i took a vacation day for my birthday this upcoming friday to go museum-hopping with as many friends as i could convince to take the day off or call in sick. we're hitting the hesse exhibit at the portland art museum and the oregon history museum for the lewis and clark bicentennial exhibition. it will seem a bit strange visiting museums without my friend pete, but we'll have to make do somehow.

more movies

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these are some of my favorite clips from my trip last fall. i tried to post them before, but the site i used was not as user-friendly as castpost, so i'm reposting them. these are takes 1, 2 and 3 of a little 'documentary' i made with chris outside st giles on edinburgh's high street. he busted out his best scot brogue and said whatever came into his head. you most certainly should watch all three, but if you only have time for one watch the third.


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on this third one i especially get a kick out of the police officer in the background giving directions to the old man. good stuff!


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this one is when we ducked into a pub behind the tron while waiting to meet up with friends. there was a big important game, chelsea vs. liverpool. if you listen close at the end you hear a bad word with a bit of an accent. so amusing!


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happy new year!

It's almost impossible to enter a new year without at least giving some small thought to resolutions. For so many of us the association brings a nagging sense of dread, as we take inventory of all our failures and shortcomings and determine (yet again) to be better, stronger, more disciplines, more faithful...more whatever we are not.

As an imperfect perfectionist I find myself overshadowed by shame and wondering if I'll ever become the woman God created me to be. As the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Not that the thought that I need to lose weight or keep my apartment cleaner will keep me from my destiny in Christ, but so many times I decide to muster up the willpower to complete change in my life, only to find myself once again in the shame of failure. I cannot change on my own. So where does that leave me? Isn't the New Year naturally a good season to take inventory and chart a path of positive change in my life and my sphere of relationship? I have to answer yes to that, but in that act of taking inventory I now realize I must look at the big picture, beyond myself and what I've done or can do.

As I look back at the last twelve months of my life I see one common thread. Everything that worked in my life worked because I took my eyes off myself and looked at Jesus. Hebrews 12:1-2 says, "...since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish.".

So does that mean I should not try to make positive changes in my life? No, but the way to do that is not through a list of resolutions, It is by one simple thing - keeping my eyes on Jesus. That verse clearly says that by keeping my eyes on Jesus I am stripped of everything that hinders me from laying ahold of what He has for me. everything. As I focus on Him, as I know His face, I understand Him more and know His desires. It's not about me anymore. It's about the prize, the path. Life becomes less about the act of running the race and more about why I'm running.

Later in the same passage it says that Jesus endured the cross because of "the joy set before Him". The amazing thing is the transposition that this represents. There wasn't joy beyond the pain for Jesus because of some vague prize of niceness in heaven with the Father. I was the joy set before Him for which He endured the torture and pain of the race He was given to run. It was me! His love for me, and His desire for me to be able to know the Father's love and live in relationship with Him. And now, because Jesus ran with endurance on my behalf I have been made able to run with endurance to lay ahold of that for which God has laid ahold of me. I now run for the joy set before me, and that joy is Jesus, and everything that matters to Him. As I keep my eyes on Him I find myself far better able to lay ahold of the joy that comes through faith in God's ability to transform me, my community, my family, my city, my country and the nations beyond. I begin to be filled with the joy that comes from His divinely enabling me to love the same things He loves, the way He loves.

I think Isaiah 50:7 says it best; "Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be dismayed. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will triumph."