struggles

i'm having a bit of a hard time right now. i just finally admitted it to myself yesterday. i've not been sleeping well, have had an upset tummy for days and feel overwhelmed and uninspired.

this is when i least want to blog. this is when i most need to blog. i try not to think of people reading this, though i know they will, but at the same time there is a piece of freedom that can only be attained by admitting things to others that you don't want to admit to yourself.

right now my table (and surrounding area) are covered in things i've pulled out of storage containers and need to sort, store and chuck. i've been living in this apartment for about a year, with less than 400 square feet to my name. keeping organized and clutter-free is a constant process, and sometimes i get too ambitious and it overwhelms me in the end. as you can see from my photo, i'm in one such ambitious moment now.

in addition to that whole thing, there's been a drain leak in the building that is putting water in a little spot on my "hallway" floor. it's leaking inside one of the walls, and it needs to be fixed from the roof. the problem is that it has been raining (alot!) for the last three weeks or so since the leak started - which is why it's leaking. now my apartment, which generally smells a bit of the cigs from the chain smoker across the hall, now smells a bit musty and dank from the water spot. it's just adding to the general sense of decrepitude of my 'earthquake sympathy week' apartment. they were supposed to fix it yesterday, and it did stop raining. it snowed instead.

i'm very grateful for my promotion, but i have to say that work is non-stop. i've worked late every day since i was promoted. now that i'm in a supervisory position it's all problem-solving and coaching. the situations are not usually so difficult to resolve, it's the sheer volume of those situations that's the challenge. my brain is fried at the end of the day, and all i want to do is veg in front of the tv. couple that with coming home to a tornado, it's a bit too much.

but if i'm being honest with myself i have to admit that those are not the real issue. those are the distraction issues, and the real reason i'm feeling overwhelmed is that i'm facing alot of uncertainty, and i don't always handle that well.

someone was praying for me about a year and a half ago and they were impressed to remind me of phillpians 4:6&7, which says, "don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." they told me that they saw that i had a big heart for the nations, and that i had anxiety about how God was going to provide a way for me to do the things He'd put in my heart. this person encouraged me to trust that God has it all in His hands, and that it's up to God and not to me to make it work.

i was thinking about that today as i was crunching numbers to see how i'm paying for the upcoming trip. it's gonna be tight for a bit, but i'm trying to relax and realize this is the chance for me to see how God confirms what he's said to me. it's not like i'm just going to edinburgh in january for the heck of it. i'm going to continue to deepen relationships with those that i will be living alongside when i move there next year. i know this is God, but it's so hard to trust Him when so much about what He has for me there is still so unclear. i have to decide if i'm going to renew my apartment lease for another 6 months, which pushed my move out even further. i have to keep making chioces as if i know what i'm doing, when honestly i don't.

this is where i learn trust, to take my hands off it all, to pause and listen to Jesus tell me what He would have me choose. this is the battle i fight in my head and heart, when i have to remeber that i don't really know better than God. this is one of those moments i'll look back on and say, "how could i have doubted You, Jesus? it's obvious you were working this out all along".

cheer

thanksgiving was a lovely affair, with mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grammy and two cousins. grammy had a pacemaker put in less than two weeks ago, but she was still up to it. she's a trooper, and loads of fun. it's been wonderful to have a four-day weekend. i'm just at the end of day three and looking forward to one more uncluttered day. i think i'll pop over to the art museum and check out the egypt exhibit. nothing like mummies to make a holiday weekend great.

i've been in my 'downtown' groove, but now that it's officially holiday season i'm again reminded of how much i love my urban life. i was pondering it today as i walked home from a birthday party to meet up with my friend renee. "why" i asked myself "do i like christmas time so much more than i used to?"

aside from the obvious God healing my heart thing, my conclusion was that i enjoy the holidays more than i used to because i am in no way involved in retail sales. even when i was a starbucks barista (four long years! i don't know how i did it for so long) it was all about merch at the holidays. how many espresso machines, mugs, blenders, pounds of bean or any other saleable thing one could peddle. that is what the holidays were all about.

even putting that aside, i deeply resented the 'special holiday drinks' that required so much more stuff on the bar and at the machine. it's really all just one big pain in the bootie. it's been almost three years since i quit the 'bucks, but nothing reminds me more than the holidays how happy i am to have moved on in my life and to be done with retail food service.

happy holidays, everyone!

emerging

my friend ben sent this to me a while ago and it's incredibly funny. "you might be emerging if..."

read about it here.

music

one of the nicest things to happen in my life lately is that my dad built me a computer. my old one was a dino from the stone age, but it was fine for getting online, which was mostly what i used it for. it didn't have any sound though, and this one not only has lovely audio, but dad left me some nice speakers to use. i haven't had decent sound since i sold my car, and the stero that went with it. now i just need to get a microphone and i'll be able to use google chat.

the new computer is all pimped out with much more than i need, like the beautiful google earth. i'm such a google girl. i made mom & dad look at the palm islands in dubai once we got the bad boy fired up. and dad loaned me a flat screen monitor to boot. you should've seen the old one! it was so big you would've thought it was brought in the delorian from 1985. i've spent several hours today beginning the move of my cd collection to my computer. there's an 80gig ipod out there with my name on it...a few paychecks into this promotion and it'll be priced for the holidays, and i'll be ready to make it mine.

i've been dying to get my huge drawer of music into the palm of my hand. what a fab age we live in! i've gotten about 45 done, and i still have about 200 more to go. it'll take me a while i think, but i'll do 10 or 15 an night until they're done. i have the craziest mix of music! i didn't know i was so 'eclectic'. i've got everything from bach to kenna to alejandro sanz - salsa, indie, samba, afro-cubano, classical, disco, easy listening, jazz, blues, christain, spanish christian, christmas, folk, new age, r&b, old school gospel...the list goes on. i even have a country album.

but i don't have any rap, and i don't have elvis, michael jackson, prince or the beatles. believe it or not, though, i may have a michael bolton album in there somewhere. i hope i do, just because it's so dang funny to be able to say that i own a michael bolton album. how many people do you know that would a)have one, and b)admit it? that's why you like me. i'm the cheese ball so you don't have to be.

okay, enough. i'm going to bed after i go look one more time at the pretty yarn i bought today.

who

FINALLY! i've just finished my first taste of the new dr. who and it was fabú! same endearing save-the-universe-silly-special-effects cheese as the old dr. who, but updated for a new generation. i loved it!

i grew up on dr. who and was disappointed that i couldn't see it here in the states when it revived last year. now that i have given myself the gift of cable i'm now able to revel in the dr.who-ness. what a lucky girl i am.