triggers

Even an only moderately stressful day can feel downright horrible when you're under the weather. And not only am i still under the weather, but today was more than just 'mildly' stressful. I've been home about three and a half hours and I'm just now starting to feel decompressed. I spent much of the day resolving something a cranky client decided we should've done sooner - though the hold-up was waiting to get a final okay from her - and who decided that she didn't like how our agent handled her call. She escalated it to our sales rep for her region (pointless, really) who called me and freaked on me and went off about our agent, who I had helped with the call and knew first hand that he handled it well. in the end it all got resolved, but honestly no sooner than if she hadn't made a mountain out of a molehill. It was a frustrating waste of an afternoon and required several people to stop what they were doing and "fix" something that wasn't broken and would've been fixed by the end of the day anyway.

This has been a week of triggers for me. These days I'm generally pretty happy with myself and pretty comfortable in my own skin. Maybe it's because I've been sick and my skin is thinner, but this week has really been in my face. I'm finding life demanding I step up just a little bit more in my leadership skills, and I'm realizing that one of the guys I supervise is of the same mold as a couple of guys I have supervised at other jobs, and those relationships have gone very badly. They perceive my communication as trying to put their place or something...I don't know. I don't have that issue with anyone else. With each of these past scenarios it ended up in the guy blowing up at me, and my wondering what the heck happened, and how he got to the boiling point without my realizing things were going so badly between us.

Triggers are powerful things, aren't they? It's easy to tell myself that everyone has some personality type that they never quite mesh with, but the truth is that I feel like a big screw-up when I think about those other scenarios, and I feel helpless because I not only seem to have botched it in both cases, but to this day don't know how. It's that familiar feeling I had sometimes as a kid where I know I'm in big trouble but don't know why. I fight fear in this because I don't want to repeat the past, but I don't know what I should be doing differently with the guy I currently work with to make sure history doesn't repeat itself. It feels like a test I studied for but now that the paper is in front of me I can't remember any of the answers.

So I guess what I need most right now is the peace to be still and listen to the Holy Spirit help me walk through this in a way that brings Him glory. I can't afford to take council in my fears. I just have to keep inviting Jesus into the frustration and fear, and asking Him what He sees in the situation. It's interesting how the more weary I am the harder it becomes to rest in Him and be at peace, but that's where my strength will come - not just for my tired sick body, but for that part of my heart that has been hiding this trigger for so long.

pink

I had grand plans to blog this week and catch up on my deep thoughts and recent adventures. Instead I caught a nasty cold (is there any other kind?). I only have the energy to slap up a picture of my newest acquisition...my pepto-pink guitar. It's a little bit high-school-girl-garage-band, but the longer I have it the more I like it. All I need now is a pink pick.

I'll blog again soon...when I'm feeling better.

patience

I'm having a hard time with patience today. I knew there would be days like this, but I'm usually good navigating them. But today I don't have the energy.

Today was a good church service, and God spoke through several people to several people about how we are created with purpose, and not to be bogged down with the fear or discouragement that comes when we buy into the lie that we don't have a purpose. There was also a specific call to step out of fear and embrace the destiny that God has revealed to you, even if you feel like it's so big it would be crazy to embrace it, because how could it ever come to be? These themes were so awesome, and hearing them so needed by so many in my church family. I'm grateful for God's goodness in bringing faith to my church for our own lives.

My struggle right now is not with believing God has great and amazing things for me, or with being afraid of what He has for me. Mine is that I know and see that He has amazing things for me, but I can't ever get there. I have such a hard time with the waiting. My heart aches with it. The nations call out to me and I can't answer right now. My purpose and passions have not even begun to be walked out, and I don't know what all the waiting is for. I just want to get to it.

It isn't that I don't love Portland or my church or the things I'm doing here. It's not that I'm sitting around waiting for something to happen while my life passes me by. I'm waiting as actively as I can, taking every chance to learn, grow and embrace what I know I need. But no matter how actively I wait, it's still waiting. I wish I could at least turn off the longing for these dreams if I can't pursue them right now. I just need a lot of patience right now, and I don't seem to have any. Lord help me.

Minty

I'm am now the proud owner of a mint-colored suitcase that I have named "The Mintinator" but will affectionately call "Minty". I got it at Ross for $39 and it's everything I love in a piece of compact luggage. It is carry-on sized, but expandable, has skate wheels (perfect for places like Prague, where everything is cobbles), is an unusual (read 'endearingly ugly') color, so it will stand out in luggage claim. It has so many extra and hidden pockets I feel like I'm on a treasure hunt just looking through it! It even has a zipper-flapped water bottle pocket on the side! I tell ya...it's the little things that keep me thrilled to be alive.

I'm not traveling any time soon, but when I do Minty and I will be ready.