Eight

I just realized my blog turned eight a couple weeks ago. There is so much I want to write about, but facebook and twitter seem to steal some of the voice that I used to put through here.

Anniversaries mean history. They remind us of where we've been. I came across this picture in some old family photos from my grandparents' generation. This one is dated 1939. It's was taken in the cafe/diner where my grandparents, great-aunts and uncles and their friends all hung out when they were in their teens and 20's. 

I don't know what this cafe was called, or where exactly in the Anaheim-Long Beach-Costa Mesa sort of area of Southern California it was, but I like that this picture exists and that it represents history of friendships, love, and laughter. I like the thought that my kin and their besties sat at this counter and talked with shining young eyes about the things they imagined were in their future. Before big wars, baby booms, suburbs, TVs, men on the moon, and many other unimaginables came to be, they were here with their hopes and dreams.

These are people who I only remember as dear, frail, lovely and old. They looked forward to the future with no idea of my emergence in their lives nearly 40 years down the line. I look back on their lives with no idea what I would be but for the history they carved out, their amazing and incredible stories woven into who I am.

Eight years ago I started this blog with a very different idea of where, who and what I would be in the coming years. I'm glad I didn't know what was coming because if I had I might never have had the courage to take the path. I love the thought that this life I bumble through is being woven into that which makes people I love (and will love) who and what they are meant to be. If that thought doesn't urge someone to live their best life I don't know what would.

Asia

Last week I had the amazing privilege to be in Jakarta, Indonesia for the World Prayer Assembly. It was incredible, and I'll blog more about it in the next week. But on the flight over I scribbled down some thoughts in anticipation of what the coming week would hold. Here are those thoughts...

As I write this I'm sitting on an airplane that is thousands of feet in the air above some of the "Stans" with eight more hours left of my flight. I've never been further east than Prague until now, and the way I figure it I am fairly nearly the farthest I could be from Portland, east-to-west-wise.

I never was in Asia before, so this trip is a landmark for me. It's only the second trip I've taken on my new passport which, when I renewed, I specifically asked for in the 54 page option, rather than the normal 30-something pages, in faith of just such unexpected adventures as the one I'm just beginning.

When I was growing up I think I always knew I would see the world. In hindsight I'm so thankful that my parents invited us to be eager to learn about other cultures and people. We hosted guests and exchange students and frequently had international college and university students over to Sunday dinners. By the time I was 16 and took my first trip further abroad than Canada I could say I knew people from every continent save Antarctica.

One thing I often think about when I travel is how much things have changed in the past several generations for women who want to see the world. To be a single woman of no great fortune and yet be free to book transportation and take myself, alone, to a part of the world (and in a less than a day!) thousands of miles away where I know nobody and just wander around - and yet retain my respectability (at least in the parts of the world where I travel) is a privilege that has only been possible for a few generations. I consider myself rather fortunate to be alive in this day and age.

So Southeast Asia, here I come! I look forward to the new experiences, delights and adventures you hold for me.

TwentyEleven

Rather than do a verbose "year in review" I thought I'd just put up a few of my favourite photos from 2011, and all moments that made me happy. There were lots more, but I didn't want to go crazy...

Columbia River Gorge - looking east from Crown Point

The Mouth of the Columbia / Pacific Ocean at Astoria, Oregon

Tall grass at Allen House Grounds, Guildford

An unusual perspective on Big Ben

Pete Greig and the Pink Bible - 24-7 Team morning in Guildford

Springtime in the woods on the South Coast of England

Not very American hot dogs

My orchid's first bloom of the season

At the British Museum

Out and about on a sunny London evening

Spring springing forth in Reading

Worth

Something about this fig tree resonated with me as I walked by it today. I've been walking by it all year, every time I go into our Guildford office. I watched it go from bare branches to leaves to little figs sprinkling its branches. I smiled at the promise of fresh figs and homemade jam like old Mrs. Clarke across the street used to make when I was a kid. And then I watched as the fruit went un-picked and to-appreciated while the leaves dropped off the tree and winter set in. And now this lovely fruit is going to rot on the tree because nobody can be bothered to pick the figs.

I think about my own struggles and the struggles of people around me to understand our worth. When I was younger I often found myself in circumstances that made me question if I was worth anything. Then I let myself be pruned by life and starteded to blossom and see my own fruitfulness. But then there have been times in the past several years when I have had no doubt of the treasures that are in me and bearing fruit in my life, but it gets ignored because it's too much bother for the person or people around me to engage with. That's the one I'm still trying to learn to navigate and find myself trying to work through.

Maybe I'll pick the figs off that tree myself next time I go by it.

Restless

Here I sit listening to the sounds of the end of a summer evening. My window looks down and over the treetops, sheds, shrubs and fences that grid out the patch of earth confined between the backs of two terraced streets. My room is tiny, but I love the perch here at my window, with the edge of the sunset visible over the backs of the houses behind me and a fresh breeze cooling the little box of a space that is my bedroom.

There is something about the end of a summer evening that makes my heart restless. It's easily my favourite time of day, and all the more so this time of year when I can interact with it through the open window. Somehow it stirs an ache in my heart that deeply connects me with the beauty of the moment and yet reminds me more than just about anything else I can think of that there is more than what my eyes can see. As if somehow as I take in the brief evening, the beauty of what I can see, hear, smell, taste and touch is only there to reassure me that all things pass away. That I can't hold on to any of it, or make it stay by my sheer will, no matter how beautiful it is. It makes me ache for what I cannot see and stirs a longing for all the things that God has promised me that I don't yet see. 

Tonight I feel desperate to hold in my hands the dreams and promises He gave that in the present moment I only hold in my heart. But I also ache for Him - to see His face, to hold onto Him, to be embraced by Him in the same way I long for and miss my family who are so many thousands of miles away from this window where I sit tonight. I find wishes appearing in my mind as the first stars appear in the twilight. Wishes for connection, meaning, significance, fulfilment and deeper intimacy with God and with the people in my life. 

I love the ache because it reminds me that I am alive. The beauty of life is in the moments that go so quickly. But if they lasted as long as I sometimes wish, I don't think I would treasure them as I do. The beauty of life is revealed in what it requires of us. The straining and toil until the seeds of dreams that cost me so much, that I planted in sacrifice and watered with my own tears, become fruitful. The beauty is going out sowing with tears, wondering if it's all worth it, and coming back delirious with joy and arms full of the fruit of what was once only a distant hope.

To live is to hope. Hope is restless. Hope is beautiful.

Vacation

Just thought I should blog since I'm on vacation. Here's what I did today. :-)

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"Renouncement"

(By Alice Meynell)

I must not think of thee; and, tired yet strong,
I shun the thought that lurks in all delight -
The thought of thee--and in the blue Heaven's height,
And in the sweetest passage of a song.

Oh, just beyond the fairest thoughts that throng
This breast, the thought of thee waits, hidden yet bright;
But it must never, never come in sight;
I must stop short of thee the whole day long.

But when sleep comes to close each difficult day,
When night gives pause to the long watch I keep,
And all my bonds I needs must loose apart,

Must doff my will as raiment laid away, -
With the first dream that comes with the first sleep
I run, I run, I am gathered to thy heart.

Sabbatical

I guess I've been on a blogging sabbatical. It's so pathetic to say "I've been busy" but that's the truth.

Since my last post in mid-October I started a 2nd job, moved our office back to London, went through the Christmas holidays, met an amazing man, moved house (and I'm about to move again), joined my church's praise team and lots of other things (including 2 rather nasty illnesses in a month's time) that might bore you to tell.

So now that I've got the justifications out of the way, I can start confessing that, with the help of my little android phone, I'm trying to get back to regular blogging. Fingers crossed, I will...

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Six

Today my blog is six years old. I could wax philosophical about how much I've changed and grown in those six years, and there would be plenty to say. But since blogging is often deemed as a platform for expressing self-absorption I thought I'd blog about someone else on this significant blog-occasion. And that someone else is my friend Jov.

Jov and I have been friends for about a decade. In that time we've both changed incredibly and had some pretty significant life experiences. But through it all I've had the amazing privilege of walking that part of life with him as my brother and one of my best friends on the planet.

I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like him. He's incredibly gifted, and worked hard to hone his gifts. He's an amazing musician, and I've been telling him for years he's going to be a rock star, and it's only a matter of time. But he's so much more than a musician. He's an artist, he's creative and he's uniquely wise. He's also really humble. He knows he has something special within him, but somehow he thinks he's nothing special and knows his own human weakness. He inspires me. Oh, and he's hilarious. I have the stupidest fun when we hang out. (You should hear the song we wrote before I moved. The first line is "The bumpkin struggle's got a hold on me")

Lately Jov's been really focused on his music, which he's performing under the name Novosti. He's put out an album called This Moment that frankly is amazing. He's just finished his first video for his song Junebug (with the incredibly talented Alexander Jorgensen), and I seriously choked up watching it because it represents so many years of Jov's life, blood, sweat and tears, and to see it finally happening...well it makes me feel like a proud sister that just became an auntie again!

So go listen to (and buy, and tell other people to buy) his music, go watch his video! This guy is the real deal - and I'm so proud to call him my brother.

Confident

Last week I went to check out The Arts Collective as I'm trying to come to terms with seeing myself as an artist. The guest artist for the night was a gentleman by the name of Israel Oyelumade. Israel shared part of a quote from Marianne Williamson's book, A Return To Love, that I've actually heard before, but for some reason last night it really, really struck a chord with me. So I went home and looked it up. This is the full quote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Why I suddenly get this now and I didn't before I can't say, except that I must finally be ready to hear it. I've struggled for so many years to be able to be confident in who I am and comfortable with the gifts God has woven into me. I felt pierced to the heart with the part that says “Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.” It was sobering to admit to myself that this is exactly what I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember. To say (or type) “I sing well” or “I write well” is really uncomfortable for me, even when I know it’s true. The truth is that I am one of the most creative people I know, and I do many, many things well.

There were situations in my childhood that made it important for me not to feel like I stood out, but now I’m in the awkward position of having to ask myself why, and the answer is a bit like two sides of a coin. First is that it was safe – if nobody noticed me they wouldn’t notice if I wasn’t meeting their expectations or demands. Second was maybe a bit lazy – that if nobody knew what I was capable of then I would never be required to do anything about it, and therefore never disappoint anyone.

The truth is that deep down, somewhere I’ve tried to ignore for as long as I can remember, I do believe I can be "brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous", and actually already am to some degree. I do believe that God’s glory is meant to shine out of me, and that’s why He put within me part of His nature – the ability to create: To take something in my head and give it form. To turn silence into a sound that evokes emotion. To reflect the beauty of my Father God in a way that someone can experience that might not see it otherwise.

So I’m choosing to learn to be confident about who and what I am, starting with all I’ve just written, without fear of what it will require of me or whether or not it feels safe. I am creative - full stop. I am a singer, poet, writer, photographer, visual artist, and (most importantly) a child that reflects the beauty and nature of my Father in Heaven.

Spoiled

I got a fabulous new android phone that I love, and one of the things I was really excited about was that I could get an app to blog from my phone. I got a twitter app, a facebook app, numerous google apps and I found a blogger app. Unfortunately, every time I tried to post with 'Blogger-dorid' I get a failure message. After losing posts several times I finally decided it wasn't going to work and I'd have to do it the old fashioned way. Yeah...poor me. Call the waaaambulance!

By 'old fashioned' I mean pulling out my gutsy little pink laptop, taking advantage of the wifi in my house to pull up a virtual journal that can be read by millions of people across the globe, and accentuating that virtual journal entry with digital photographs more vivid and detailed than anything I ever saw growing up, and comprised of more data than any warehouse-sized computer that was state of the art when my dad started programming in the late 1970s.

It's funny what we get used to and come to expect. It's like when you get your first email address. First mobile phone. First pc. First time getting internet at home. First laptop. You wonder how you ever lived without it. I knew within five minutes of holding my adorable little Sony Ericsson Xperia x10 mini smart phone that my life would never be the same. And I have to admit that, yes, I am spoiled.

Occupied

I've certainly been keeping myself occupied since I last blogged. I'm ashamed to realize it's been two months since I last blogged, and so much has happened, but not the kinds of things that make very interesting blogging. In the two months since I last posted I have settled in. Yep. I have made myself at home in this little corner of the earth known as England.

Now I know it will never be home in the same way Portland is home, but I don't think I want it to be. Portland is its own unique world. It's comforting to know that there is nowhere else quite like it, and it's there waiting for me. But this home is about me becoming integrated into a new way of life, a new way of seeing the world and even a new way of interacting with it. It's taken a few months, but I'm pretty settled into that 'newness'.

I find I automatically say something costs so many "quid" or "pounds" instead of saying "bucks" or "dollars" and having to correct myself. I say "up the road" instead of "down the street". I drink far more tea than I ever did at home, and I can tell bad tea from good now - something I never thought about much before.

There are still things I'm adjusting to, and one of the main things is grocery shopping. I still keep thinking I'll find things that I find at home, and still find myself surprised when I don't. Things like turkey sausage and buttermilk now have a fond corner of my heart that I never imagined they'd own. On the other hand, the cheese here is amazing, and I eat far more of it than is probably good for me.

Work is really great. Now that I'm getting past the "Newbie" stage and I'm fitting into my new role more and more I find that I'm really enjoying what I do. I love that I get to encourage and support people around the world who have decided to pray and see what God does. I love the stories, the excitement, the wonder and the joy that people are sharing with me and those around me in this weird and wonderful world of 24-7 Prayer. I have to say also that I really love the people I work with! They've truly made a place for me, welcomed me and made me feel loved and like I belong here. Yes, it's stretching me, but it's nothing I'm not up for!

Lastly I have to say I love the flexibility I have to spend time with people here, and how well other people  around make time for that as well. In the past month I've been from Leicestershire (in the middle) to Chichester (on the south coast) and seen friends from all over (the girl in the picture is one of my oldest friends from Portland that moved to London about 4 years ago. This was when we last hung out. We had  these amazing passionfruit drinks at  Las Iguanas, the South American restaurant in Reading). I guess when you have money you don't have time. I, on the other hand, may not have too much money,right now but I really enjoy having the time to breath and connect with people around me, and to me that's really what it's all about.

So that's what I've been up to, and why I've not been so good with the blogging. I promise to try to do better and not go two months again without making time for you as well.

Here

18 days into my new life as a proper expat, and so far so good. There continue to be adjustments as I settle back in here, but nothing insane. I'm back to toning down my "American-ness" and embracing the things that are different and unique about being here. I do wish I could've packed everyone up from home and brought them along, but my excess luggage was expensive enough!

It's been great going back into the London office (the picture is the view from our workspace. Good, eh?). I love the energy of a bustling city, and just getting off the train at Paddington makes me feel like smiling. It feels like such a privilege to be able to be in a city that has held such a significant place in human history for a couple thousand years! I really do love every crowded, smelly, busy and congested trip in. This is of course made all the more enjoyable by the presence of Charlotte, Carla, Wardy, Andrea, Izzy and the others that I have (and will be) seeing on my "London" days.

My house and housemates have been lovely to get to know as well. I live with three lovely ladies who genuinely care about each other and me! As for my room, I still only have a mattress on the floor and a closet I made out of an old bunk bed ladder and an old shelf/cupboard thing. I've got all but a storage tub, a plastic table (my "desk") and my clothes drying rack from where people were keeping it for me while I was in Portland. I can't tell you how good it is to finally have my room in my house after 13 months of living out of suitcases - in spite of having no furniture to fill it. But all that will come in time. I must say though that I've been the blessed recipient of incredible hospitality since March of last year, and it's rekindled my enjoyment giving hospitality by reminding me of what a blessing it can truly be.

Anyway, I'm rambling. All that to say I'm here and I'm glad of it!

Moored

This picture really sums up my life lately. I'm not sure how that little boat feels about being moored up by that massive and unyielding chain, but maybe it doesn't mind so much as you'd think. When I took this photo last summer I was thinking how badly this little boat must wish it were out bobbing the waves rather than stuck on the end of a big rusty chain. Now I look at it and think maybe the little guy is happy for a bit of calm in a familiar place where he knows what's going on and what to expect.

I've been back in Portland since late August, and all the while hoping to get right back to the UK and to the life I've only just begun to establish and settle into. I've now been back as long as I was in the UK, but it feels like the time at home has gone so much faster than the time in England. I've been amazed to discover the level of patience I seem to posses. When I got here I was chomping at the bit to get back as soon as I could and get on with things. I tried not to let myself get frustrated thinking about it all. My biggest asset in that struggle has been my sometimes-annoying tendency to 'look on the bright side'. I've had the amazing blessing of leaving the world I've always known behind for a bit, then having the chance to come back to it for a season with the new, fresh eyes that experience affords.

Being back here with friends and family has been an amazing blessing, but I won't lie and say it's been easy. I've only just found work, and I've been living off next to nothing for 5 months. I honestly didn't think I could live on so little. Being poor is hard work. It's also been a bit hard on my heart trying to spend as much time as I can manage with the people I love. I drink it in knowing I'm going to have to live off these memories for a long time. But honestly, this is the part of being 'moored' here that I don't mind. This time is a gift and I don't want to waste it. My 84-year-old Grammy and I are taking a trip in a month. We're both well aware that we will likely not have another opportunity to do something like this. I so treasure the time I have with her in her twilight season of life.

Looking ahead to the next couple months and heading back to the UK, I am excited about what the future holds, though I know it will continue to challenge me. I look forward and know I'll be facing many insecurities in the near future. Insecurities about how I'm perceived, about whether I can really manage to establish myself without always feeling like an outsider. Insecurities about being lumped in with how many Europeans feel about America, and not let the frequent criticism get to me. Insecurities about whether I'll be able to stay connected to people I love back here when I'm not in their every-day lives. For now I'm free from those worries and just have to deal with a familiar world. It's a good break, but for all that I still can't wait to be untied from this mooring and get back to the adventures that lie before me.

Loved

I've been mulling over my relationship with being loved. I'm not good at it. I have had seasons where I've been somewhat more able to receive God's love. Unfortunately I'm realizing this has not been one of those seasons.

My sense of worth and loveability has been so tied up in my ability to be useful, helpful, likeable, etc... This has been a struggle my whole life. I was starting to get the better of it a few years ago. But then I got settled into my job and did well, and found a sense of identity and worth in that. I got comfortable with my role at church and the House of Prayer. I got used to only doing things I was good at. I got comfortable hiding behind what I can do to show how worthwhile I am, and didn't have to keep doing the work of letting myself accept being loved simply because God and the people in my life want to love me. I, who am incredibly aware of my faults and shortcomings, forgot how to believe I have worth that has nothing to do with my actions or choices.

Then I went to the UK. The first day of my volunteer job with 24-7 was taking minutes (something I'd never done before) with a group I was just meeting, some for the first time in several years, and the rest for the first time ever. The whole spring and summer I tried to do the kind of job that would blow people out of the water and show them how on the ball I am, but it seemed like the harder I tried the less 'on the ball' I felt like I came across.

This year I've had to get used to another culture, to setting my own schedule, to a new community, new churches, new friends, new jobs. I've had to rely on the generosity of others for everything from learning how to shop for groceries in another country, to gifts of money, to a place to lay my head at night. Needless to say, I've felt pretty insecure about it all, wondering if everyone's tired of my needy imperfection. I can't help but wonder if I've been handing things well or (now that I think about it) if I'm disappointing God by my insecure fumblings.

Then I came home mid-August and I've had a rather hard time finding work, so I've been living on next to nothing, wearing the same 2 pairs of trousers and 4 shirts I brought with me when I thought I'd have my visa and be back to the UK in a month or two. It's been a struggle feeling needy, unfashionable, poor and every other worth-whittling thing I've experienced in the past 9+ months.

Sometimes I can be a bit thick in the head, and I'm only now seeing how God has been stripping away everything that I hide behind to show me how very convinced I am in my heart that nobody will really, truly love me unless I give them a reason, and then I have to keep giving them reasons. I don't have a hard time being liked, appreciated, enjoyed or even needed, but loved...that feels a step too far, and I don't know how to be just loved. I don't know how to change that broken part of my heart that doesn't believe I'm actually worth loving.

Ephesians 3:16-19 says "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Yesterday I thought about this passage and realized that I am not rooted and grounded in His love. I'm rooted and grounded in the lie that I'm not worth being loved for who I am, and this lie is stealing life from me.

I know in my head that my worth is not based in me, but in the price that God was willing to pay for me. I get that and I believe that for others. I just don't know how to get that from my head to my heart in regard to me. I don't know how to let Him change my heart, but I've started by asking Him. I can't imagine what it's like to truly believe that I'm worth loving just as I am. By the grace of God I have had many experiences where He does something or changes something in me that I couldn't imagine could be changed, so I just chose to trust that He will help me, that He will convince my heart of its worth. In that trust I have hope that God, who began a good work in me and has brought me to the place of seeing this mess in my heart, is able and faithful to finish it.

Lately

There's been lots going on lately here in the City of Roses. I don't know how it is I manage to stay so busy. I thought being unemployed would mean lots of sitting around, but that's just not been the case.

I guess technically I'm not completely unemployed. I've been doing odd jobs for friends, family, and volunteering  for Father's House (my church) and LivingStonesPDX (aka: Portland International House of Prayer), and even had a proper office temp job last week for a few days. The money isn't great, but I'm happy that I can at least be a help and a blessing to the people I love.

I really didn't think I'd still be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I was looking forward to my first Bonfire Night, Thanksgiving and Christmas in the UK, but I guess I get to do that next year. I'm looking forward to continuing to establish new traditions in my new life, but that's not to say that I am not glad to have this time with friends and family. I've spent Christmas eve with my friend Rachael and her daughter for the past 10 years, and part of me was pretty sad to think of missing that this year. Maybe that will buy me enough time to talk them into coming to London next year.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I would like to share the things that I'm enjoying here at home...

♥ Time with family

♥ Time with friends

♥ Being around to see God answer some very old prayers for Portland

♥ Singing with Grammy from her favorite hymnal

♥ Getting to spend another autumn in Portland (it's SO beautiful!)

♥ Reconnecting with old friends and family I haven't seen in years and years

♥ Making shiny new friendships that I know will be around for a long time

♥ Honing my cooking skills so I'll be ready for all the entertaining I plan to do when I finally get back to England.

I'm also incredibly grateful to my Dad, who fixed my little pink computer and tarted it out with a new hard drive that's twice as big as the old one, and to my cousins Jon & Julia who loaned me one of their old MacBooks. I'm a blessed little lady!

Five

Today my blog is five years old, and this is my 430th post. It seems like another person ago that I started this little window into my strange soul, and I am truly blessed to have such a cathartic outlet to process and share life.

Since I started blogging I have moved ten times, visited four new countries, climbed (then stepped off) the corporate ladder, grieved over tsunamis, hurricanes, a London bombing, lost a grandfather, an uncle and many celebrities. I've found my voice as a singer, found my pen as a writer, found my eye as an armature  photographer and my brush as a budding painter. I turned 30, learned to be okay in my own skin and learned to treasure my family in a way I never did before. I bought my first camera, iPod, laptop and water bottle. I found Edward Rutherfurd, Sophie Kinsella and Stephanie Meyer. I figured out  how to hold dreams loosely while still working to make them happen, and I've made and re-discovered amazing friends along the way.

Thank you, readers of my blog, for being part of it all. Here's to the next five years!

writing

I've been quite challenged this year to do more writing. I have always loved writing, and have wanted to focus on it much more in past few years. I even applied for a writing fellowship at Stanford, but I went to England instead, and then shortly thereafter found out I didn't make the final cut. I was not actually discouraged by that news, but instead it was just one more thing that encouraged me to keep moving toward writing more and honing my skill.

To be honest, I haven't been quite sure what that involved until recently. I thought about creative writing courses but I don't think my life's in a state where that is practical right now. So now that I find myself with a bit of time on my hands (not a ton, but a bit more than I used to) I am working on my writing. I am trying to blog more and I've started the novel that's been in my head for the past 6 or so years. I've also begun one or two small projects that for now will remain under the radar until I feel comfortable about letting people see them.

A few days ago I found myself on the streetcar downtown and realized that the start of the sunset I was seeing would be amazing if I could get to the aerial tram at the other end of the streetcar line. So I did. I'm rather uncomfortable with heights, but (as the photo clearly demonstrates) some times we have to push through our fears to fully realize something's beautiful potential. That pretty much sums up how I feel about my writing. I guess we'll see soon enough if it was worth it.

September

So far September has been lovely. It's hard to believe we're only a couple weeks from October already. It's been good to catch up with people. Last Monday I spent the day with Randy & Lui (old friends of mine), and Kaari & Alex (I've known Kaari about 25 years) and all their kids. The picture is Kaari's oldest daughter, Oksana. Isn't she adorable? I still have more people to catch up with, but I'm makin' the rounds to the best of my ability.

So what am I doing? I had hoped to temp while I was here, but that's not really happened yet. I may or may not be working for my church (I helped out a bit last week) but that depends on whether some support can be raised toward a small salary for the weeks to come. Otherwise I have to really pound the pavement this next week. Money is a bit of an issue for me right now (well, actually the lack of money is a bit of an issue), but I'm doing my best to be frugal and trusting God to help me figure this season out.

As I've settled into being here for a bit I've gotten back into my 'creative' groove. I don't know if it's the time of year or just being in Portland, but all I want to do is create things. Painting, knitting, writing, cooking...whatever requires creativity. I even want to start sewing, but fortunately I don't have a sewing machine or I'm sure I would be starting a few other "creative projects" as well. If only I could make money creating things. Maybe someday. For now I'd be happy making money period. So I guess that's my focus this next week.

Domesticated

I recently realized that since I moved to the UK I've been much more interested in cooking than I have been for years. I'm not sure why exactly, but I suspect it has to do with the fact that I find myself cooking to share much more than I've done in a very long time. Now that I'm back home and awaiting visa stuff to come through, I'm not only still on a tight budget, but I'm trying to spend more time with people, so I've ended up spending "restaurant money" on groceries (a more frugal choice, as well) and am trying my hand at things I wouldn't have attempted before.

I do like food. I don't know anyone who doesn't. But I think I never wanted to be considered a "foodie" because I've always been 'curvy' (honestly, my curves have curves!), and I felt self-conscious about being a chubby girl that's into food. The past few years I've come around to realizing that good, healthy, wholesome food is food you prepare yourself, knowing what's in it and how fresh the ingredients are, etc... I am indulging in my domestic side and hoping that I get better at making yummy, healthy food that feeds both me and the people in my life.

There are some things I've really liked that I've made recently. Pesto. I have one word: Yummmmmmmm! Blueberry coffee cake, which was so/so, but I know what I can do to make it better next time. I can always add slow-cooker roasts to this list. They're so easy and yummy! I've also done a chicken curry simmer (also in the slow-cooker) with carrots, butternut squash and rice. Yesterday my friend Jov came over and I made my first cheese sauce (not quite so healthy!) for my first attempt at homemade macaroni and cheese, which I topped with pan-cooked chicken pieces, smothered in cheese and broiled until the cheese toasted. I served it with a salad and my super-yummy, low-fat secret recipe ranch dressing which is quite frankly good enough to eat.

I'm looking forward to the next season of my life for many reasons, but not the least of which is the challenge of coming back to the UK with my US cookbooks, my optimistic propensity for experimentation and cooking for my friends.