sleepless

it's this dumb cold. nothing else but jetlag gets me up at this hour. i even left the DHOP early from my session last night to go to bed. i was too tired to lead much so i put out art supplies and different people took turns doing devotional worship on their instruments. God and i had a little chat while i was there. He reminded me of a picture He showed me about 5 years ago.

we were at a sunday meeting of our church plant team about 6 months before we actually launched, and we were sitting quietly waiting on God. we weren't to talk or sing or anything...just listen. coming from a more charismatic church background this was not something i did alot. here's what God showed me;

i was deep sea diving with God. we were in gear and He was the expert diver, i was the novice. not only have i never done a dive like this, i don't know that i ever would. it frightens me to think of going into the depths of the cold ocean with nothing but the can of air on your back to keep you alive. no to mention the odd, creepy and dangerous things lurking in the dark of the water. so with this all true, God showed me doing this dive with him.

as we left the surface i was more and more fearful. the amazing thing was that i was right beside the Lord, could even grab His hand if i wanted, and i still felt unsafe and afraid. i knew He still wanted me to go deeper into the dark deep cold blue blackness. in my mind i started to argue with Him, telling Him i didn't want to go down there, and that it was scary. the odd thing was that as close as He was to me i didn't feel warm fuzzies, and didn't feel safer. He has always the one place i could go to feel safe and held and protected and secure. instead i felt vulnerable and afraid. He finally just asked me, "Sheena, do you trust Me?"

the last 5 years of my life have been intense. not only did we start the church amidst bizarre opposition, but personally God started me on a journey that has meant i've had to face incredible fears that were driving forces in my life without me even realizing it. the emotional effects of neglect and abuse in my childhood were crippling my life and somehow i couldn't see it at first. He's often brought this picture to mind in the last 5 years. He has never left me, but has always asked me to trust Him as he leads me deeper into the darkness to confront my fears and the unknown. this is faith. this is the choice He asks of me. that He's reminding me of this picture means we're going deeper. i'm a little wary of what that means for the next season. all that remains is to choose trust Him.