Loved

I've been mulling over my relationship with being loved. I'm not good at it. I have had seasons where I've been somewhat more able to receive God's love. Unfortunately I'm realizing this has not been one of those seasons.

My sense of worth and loveability has been so tied up in my ability to be useful, helpful, likeable, etc... This has been a struggle my whole life. I was starting to get the better of it a few years ago. But then I got settled into my job and did well, and found a sense of identity and worth in that. I got comfortable with my role at church and the House of Prayer. I got used to only doing things I was good at. I got comfortable hiding behind what I can do to show how worthwhile I am, and didn't have to keep doing the work of letting myself accept being loved simply because God and the people in my life want to love me. I, who am incredibly aware of my faults and shortcomings, forgot how to believe I have worth that has nothing to do with my actions or choices.

Then I went to the UK. The first day of my volunteer job with 24-7 was taking minutes (something I'd never done before) with a group I was just meeting, some for the first time in several years, and the rest for the first time ever. The whole spring and summer I tried to do the kind of job that would blow people out of the water and show them how on the ball I am, but it seemed like the harder I tried the less 'on the ball' I felt like I came across.

This year I've had to get used to another culture, to setting my own schedule, to a new community, new churches, new friends, new jobs. I've had to rely on the generosity of others for everything from learning how to shop for groceries in another country, to gifts of money, to a place to lay my head at night. Needless to say, I've felt pretty insecure about it all, wondering if everyone's tired of my needy imperfection. I can't help but wonder if I've been handing things well or (now that I think about it) if I'm disappointing God by my insecure fumblings.

Then I came home mid-August and I've had a rather hard time finding work, so I've been living on next to nothing, wearing the same 2 pairs of trousers and 4 shirts I brought with me when I thought I'd have my visa and be back to the UK in a month or two. It's been a struggle feeling needy, unfashionable, poor and every other worth-whittling thing I've experienced in the past 9+ months.

Sometimes I can be a bit thick in the head, and I'm only now seeing how God has been stripping away everything that I hide behind to show me how very convinced I am in my heart that nobody will really, truly love me unless I give them a reason, and then I have to keep giving them reasons. I don't have a hard time being liked, appreciated, enjoyed or even needed, but loved...that feels a step too far, and I don't know how to be just loved. I don't know how to change that broken part of my heart that doesn't believe I'm actually worth loving.

Ephesians 3:16-19 says "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Yesterday I thought about this passage and realized that I am not rooted and grounded in His love. I'm rooted and grounded in the lie that I'm not worth being loved for who I am, and this lie is stealing life from me.

I know in my head that my worth is not based in me, but in the price that God was willing to pay for me. I get that and I believe that for others. I just don't know how to get that from my head to my heart in regard to me. I don't know how to let Him change my heart, but I've started by asking Him. I can't imagine what it's like to truly believe that I'm worth loving just as I am. By the grace of God I have had many experiences where He does something or changes something in me that I couldn't imagine could be changed, so I just chose to trust that He will help me, that He will convince my heart of its worth. In that trust I have hope that God, who began a good work in me and has brought me to the place of seeing this mess in my heart, is able and faithful to finish it.

Lately

There's been lots going on lately here in the City of Roses. I don't know how it is I manage to stay so busy. I thought being unemployed would mean lots of sitting around, but that's just not been the case.

I guess technically I'm not completely unemployed. I've been doing odd jobs for friends, family, and volunteering  for Father's House (my church) and LivingStonesPDX (aka: Portland International House of Prayer), and even had a proper office temp job last week for a few days. The money isn't great, but I'm happy that I can at least be a help and a blessing to the people I love.

I really didn't think I'd still be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I was looking forward to my first Bonfire Night, Thanksgiving and Christmas in the UK, but I guess I get to do that next year. I'm looking forward to continuing to establish new traditions in my new life, but that's not to say that I am not glad to have this time with friends and family. I've spent Christmas eve with my friend Rachael and her daughter for the past 10 years, and part of me was pretty sad to think of missing that this year. Maybe that will buy me enough time to talk them into coming to London next year.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I would like to share the things that I'm enjoying here at home...

♥ Time with family

♥ Time with friends

♥ Being around to see God answer some very old prayers for Portland

♥ Singing with Grammy from her favorite hymnal

♥ Getting to spend another autumn in Portland (it's SO beautiful!)

♥ Reconnecting with old friends and family I haven't seen in years and years

♥ Making shiny new friendships that I know will be around for a long time

♥ Honing my cooking skills so I'll be ready for all the entertaining I plan to do when I finally get back to England.

I'm also incredibly grateful to my Dad, who fixed my little pink computer and tarted it out with a new hard drive that's twice as big as the old one, and to my cousins Jon & Julia who loaned me one of their old MacBooks. I'm a blessed little lady!

Five

Today my blog is five years old, and this is my 430th post. It seems like another person ago that I started this little window into my strange soul, and I am truly blessed to have such a cathartic outlet to process and share life.

Since I started blogging I have moved ten times, visited four new countries, climbed (then stepped off) the corporate ladder, grieved over tsunamis, hurricanes, a London bombing, lost a grandfather, an uncle and many celebrities. I've found my voice as a singer, found my pen as a writer, found my eye as an armature  photographer and my brush as a budding painter. I turned 30, learned to be okay in my own skin and learned to treasure my family in a way I never did before. I bought my first camera, iPod, laptop and water bottle. I found Edward Rutherfurd, Sophie Kinsella and Stephanie Meyer. I figured out  how to hold dreams loosely while still working to make them happen, and I've made and re-discovered amazing friends along the way.

Thank you, readers of my blog, for being part of it all. Here's to the next five years!

Perspective

My hope with my last post was to use a word-stage opportunity to bring a bit of understanding of the American perspective to the rest of the world. I guess I didn't do that so well. In my travels and experience I am persuaded that many people in other parts of the world have decided they already understand the American perspective, so maybe I should just let it go and quit trying to 'enlighten' people. I've witnessed the horror and shame that is The American Tourist, so to some degree I can appreciate why people would think Americans were not so great, but the more I travel outside the US the more I am simultaneously resigned to and frustrated by the way that the people of my homeland are so reviled, ridiculed and blamed for so much of the world's ills. 

Whether it's because we butted in where we didn't belong, or because we didn't do enough where we did belong, it's impossible to live up to everyone's expectations. I'm not saying we've done everything well, I just wish I didn't have to hear people rip on my country so much of the time...especially in front of me. How is that not rude? I would never criticize someone's country to their face or while they were right there, but I've been on the receiving end of that kind of criticism many times. 

Ultimately, I wish that people elsewhere would extend some understanding to the US...an incredibly diverse land and people with lots and lots of different world views that cannot be boxed up neatly and classified as simply as Democrat-or-Republican, Religious-Right-and-Everyone-Else or even right-and-wrong. Considering the role press and media plays in all of this, I guess I ask a lot. I know some people would see this in the same light as someone asking people to extend understanding to the schoolyard bully, which makes me sad. 

I suppose I should just go back to maintaining thicker skin.

Seriously?

Believe it or not, I am here to blog about one of my least favorite topics - politics. I don't often talk politics because I tend to be more conservative than most of my liberal friends, and more liberal than many of my conservative friends, which gets me criticized on both sides. But occasionally something happens that gets me talking.

Today that something was President Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Let me first say that I do have genuine respect for our President's love of diplomacy. I still can't help but think if I were him I would be not just "surprised and humbled", as the BBC quotes him, but rather more embarrassed. I suspect that’s exactly the case. His diplomacy is stated as the reason he was selected, but has he really done more than any networking businessman or politician would've done? Sure, he has made genuine overtures to build bridges between America and the Middle East (which, admittedly are badly damaged), but would those overtures be as welcomed if they were coming from an old white guy, or a woman, or pretty much any person whose ethnic/cultural roots were not connected to Africa and the Middle East? Don’t think I’m racist, or calling anyone else racist, for saying that. I genuinely don’t think it's any different from a female president naturally building bridges with women's groups around the world. I can't imagine we'd award her a Nobel Prize for that.


If you will humor me I'd like to bring some perspective to America’s view of the world. According to Wikipedia, the USA is 3,794,066 mi² (9,826,066 km²) with a 2009 population estimate of 307,658,000. The 27 member states of the European Union come to 1,669,807 mi² (4,324,782 km²) with a 2009 population estimate of 499,794,855. So we are somewhere around 3/4 the number of people as are in the EU, but on almost three times the square mileage. I realize I have a more global perspective than many of my fellow Americans, but I don’t think it’s evil that they don't see the world the same way I do.

To bring further perspective on our extensive geography I'll go back to 2005. When Hurricane Katrina hit it was in every way a disaster relief nightmare realized. This is certainly in no way an excuse, but if you consider that the federal disaster declarations covered 90,000 mi² (233,000 km²) in the US (most of it rural), it starts to make sense why it was such a nightmare to coordinate disaster relief for an area only 12,000 mi² (19,312 km²) smaller than all of the UK.

I recently watched a short editorial video on the BBC's website (that I cannot find to link here, much to my disappointment!) that brought attention to the fact that most Americans would vote for what was in America's best interest over what was in the world's best interest. This is an observation I've heard expressed in various ways from my European friends. I am simply left to wonder if someone can name a country that doesn't do this. I don't see the UK adopting the Euro any time soon. I don't see China or India or Uganda or Paraguay or anyone else making decisions that aren't in their own best interests, however beneficial those things may be to any other country.

In many ways our geography prohibits us from having a more global perspective, and I think it’s appropriate (within reason, of course) that we don’t put other countries’ well being above our own, considering how much of the physical planet we are responsible for. I would even go so far as to say that it is in the world’s best interest that we steward well all the bits of land for which we are responsible and continue to choose wisely to look to ourselves, provided we do so with care for the consequences of our choices.


Please don’t think I am saying my country is perfect the way it is. No country is perfect the way it is, and I've avoided talking about any specific issues or pushing any political buttons. America has been greatly blessed and I believe  we have a responsibility before God to be a blessing, and we don't always do that as well as we might. But to be honest, this Nobel Peace Prize being awarded to President Obama comes across a little insulting. It seems to say "Finally you Americans are pulling your head out of the sand and are starting to see the world like the rest of us!". It's a bit like a woman being told she looks really good in her new jeans because they make her butt look so much smaller.


What a strange slice of history we are making these days.

writing

I've been quite challenged this year to do more writing. I have always loved writing, and have wanted to focus on it much more in past few years. I even applied for a writing fellowship at Stanford, but I went to England instead, and then shortly thereafter found out I didn't make the final cut. I was not actually discouraged by that news, but instead it was just one more thing that encouraged me to keep moving toward writing more and honing my skill.

To be honest, I haven't been quite sure what that involved until recently. I thought about creative writing courses but I don't think my life's in a state where that is practical right now. So now that I find myself with a bit of time on my hands (not a ton, but a bit more than I used to) I am working on my writing. I am trying to blog more and I've started the novel that's been in my head for the past 6 or so years. I've also begun one or two small projects that for now will remain under the radar until I feel comfortable about letting people see them.

A few days ago I found myself on the streetcar downtown and realized that the start of the sunset I was seeing would be amazing if I could get to the aerial tram at the other end of the streetcar line. So I did. I'm rather uncomfortable with heights, but (as the photo clearly demonstrates) some times we have to push through our fears to fully realize something's beautiful potential. That pretty much sums up how I feel about my writing. I guess we'll see soon enough if it was worth it.

September

So far September has been lovely. It's hard to believe we're only a couple weeks from October already. It's been good to catch up with people. Last Monday I spent the day with Randy & Lui (old friends of mine), and Kaari & Alex (I've known Kaari about 25 years) and all their kids. The picture is Kaari's oldest daughter, Oksana. Isn't she adorable? I still have more people to catch up with, but I'm makin' the rounds to the best of my ability.

So what am I doing? I had hoped to temp while I was here, but that's not really happened yet. I may or may not be working for my church (I helped out a bit last week) but that depends on whether some support can be raised toward a small salary for the weeks to come. Otherwise I have to really pound the pavement this next week. Money is a bit of an issue for me right now (well, actually the lack of money is a bit of an issue), but I'm doing my best to be frugal and trusting God to help me figure this season out.

As I've settled into being here for a bit I've gotten back into my 'creative' groove. I don't know if it's the time of year or just being in Portland, but all I want to do is create things. Painting, knitting, writing, cooking...whatever requires creativity. I even want to start sewing, but fortunately I don't have a sewing machine or I'm sure I would be starting a few other "creative projects" as well. If only I could make money creating things. Maybe someday. For now I'd be happy making money period. So I guess that's my focus this next week.

Domesticated

I recently realized that since I moved to the UK I've been much more interested in cooking than I have been for years. I'm not sure why exactly, but I suspect it has to do with the fact that I find myself cooking to share much more than I've done in a very long time. Now that I'm back home and awaiting visa stuff to come through, I'm not only still on a tight budget, but I'm trying to spend more time with people, so I've ended up spending "restaurant money" on groceries (a more frugal choice, as well) and am trying my hand at things I wouldn't have attempted before.

I do like food. I don't know anyone who doesn't. But I think I never wanted to be considered a "foodie" because I've always been 'curvy' (honestly, my curves have curves!), and I felt self-conscious about being a chubby girl that's into food. The past few years I've come around to realizing that good, healthy, wholesome food is food you prepare yourself, knowing what's in it and how fresh the ingredients are, etc... I am indulging in my domestic side and hoping that I get better at making yummy, healthy food that feeds both me and the people in my life.

There are some things I've really liked that I've made recently. Pesto. I have one word: Yummmmmmmm! Blueberry coffee cake, which was so/so, but I know what I can do to make it better next time. I can always add slow-cooker roasts to this list. They're so easy and yummy! I've also done a chicken curry simmer (also in the slow-cooker) with carrots, butternut squash and rice. Yesterday my friend Jov came over and I made my first cheese sauce (not quite so healthy!) for my first attempt at homemade macaroni and cheese, which I topped with pan-cooked chicken pieces, smothered in cheese and broiled until the cheese toasted. I served it with a salad and my super-yummy, low-fat secret recipe ranch dressing which is quite frankly good enough to eat.

I'm looking forward to the next season of my life for many reasons, but not the least of which is the challenge of coming back to the UK with my US cookbooks, my optimistic propensity for experimentation and cooking for my friends.