Four

March 4th, 2009 - four years ago this week - I boarded a plane and flew to England. I didn't really have a concrete plan, I was just going to take it one visa at a time. To be honest, I think that deep down I didn't think I'd be here this long.

Naturally, this milestone makes me retrospective. And today, as I think back over the last four years, I find myself a little amazed at all I've learned. I'm not just talking about the obvious skills you acquire when you live abroad (like learning to communicate differently, navigating a different postal service, healthcare system, banking system, or a dozen other things I could name), but I've also grown in myself and learned to accept who I am in this process of walking out who God created me to be. I'm imperfect, sure, but I finally truly see bits the beauty that God put in me, and I'm not afraid of it anymore.

Change is always painful, and we humans avoid it whenever we can. But four years ago I was so uncomfortable with my comfortable life that I was ready to embrace the most momentous change that had ever come across my path. I have to say that it's not been easy or comfortable, and if I knew then what it would cost me I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come. But thank God I didn't know because now I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have struggled with culture and poverty, aching goodbyes, new friendships and broken ones. I have cried rivers, loved and lost, grieved deeply, and missed painfully. But I have also been surrounded by the beautiful peace that comes of knowing I am right where God thinks I should be. I have seen my heart's capacity to love, to be loved and dream carved deeper than it ever was before.

In spite of being 34 when I came, I feel like I arrived with a girl's heart, but have watched myself grow into a womanly nature. God has compelled me to draw strength from the incredible deposit of experience, wisdom and love that the people from home that I miss the most carefully and lovingly instilled in my heart and life over the last two decades. And He surrounded me here with people who have come to trust and love me, and who have recognized and encouraged the hand of God in my life.

I feel older and wiser, in a good way. Although the depth of my reluctance in this journey was only matched by the shallowness of my confidence, I still pushed, pulled, struggled, stood and fought to honor the faithfulness of God and of those who support and cheer me on. Even if I were to go home tomorrow, I would go a wealthier woman in experience, wisdom, love and friendships, and wealthier in my understanding of God's faithfulness, love and care for me.

Whatever the next four years holds I can be sure that I can't imagine what I'll experience, both good and difficult. But I can also be confident that my faithful God, who still whispers old and new dreams to my heart, will keep and uphold me in and through His limitless love.