choices

i don't like looking for cars.
i don't like dealing with insurance.
i don't like the knots in my muscles still present from the accident.
i don't like not having enough money to get anything but a used little dorky car.
i don't like the stress of not knowing how my transportation to work will pan out until i get that car.
i don't like how i feel when i think about how i'm a month away from turning 30 and my life still looks an awful lot to me like it did when i was 20.
i don't like it when i work and work at getting to where i think i should be only to see that i can do nothing in myself.
i don't like that i can't make the difficult things in my life disappear.
i really don't like that i don't like to surrender.

here's how i see it. we either trust in the darkness of our fears or we trust in God's goodness. period. if i let myself be intimidated by the difficult things in life, and i try to control it all to avoid difficulty, i am only taking that control to my new master, fear. i am either trusting in that which fear tells me is true or i'm trusting that God is good even if i don't see how He can possibly make good of whatever situation i'm currently in. it's either one or the other.

if God is in control i have to surrender, and it hurts.

if i try to take control it all falls apart and it hurts.

either way it's painful.

at the end of it all the pain of surrender is the pain of the birth of life and freedom, not just for myself, but for those i will one day present to my God. the pain of the other is that of regret, loss and death of what could've been. i just can't live with that.