safe

"I will lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe." Psalm 4:8

i just realized tonight what safety God has brought to my life. it happened so gradually that i didn't even see it. as i think about it i can't believe it took me so long to notice the peace that i'm suddenly so keenly aware of. it's a feeling like friday night of a three-day weekend, curled up in a big chair with a good book, a roaring fire a yummy drink...only a thousand times more because i know this won't be gone monday morning. not to go all 'testimony time' on you, but i really am amazed right now at the goodness of God, and this weekend only emphasized it.

when i was growing up i never felt safe. i mean never. i can't remember a time when i didn't feel like i had to protect myself and fend for myself. not just because i was the youngest, but because my homelife was unsafe in my very early years. my mom is mentally ill and was unable to care for us in the way we needed to be cared for. we ended up in foster care for a bit until my dad got custody of us, and there were other things from then on that continued to enforce the lie of the enemy in my life that made me believe i had to take care of myself because nobody else cared and nobody else would. i made life-altering choices when incredibly young because i didn't understand that God would protect me better than i could protect myself.

children that grow up like i did become what some studies call 'hyper-vigilant', and the very brain chemistry dictated by the limbic system is altered in such a way that they feel that having needs is bad, because nothing happens (or worse, bad things happen) when they need something. i grew up trying to stay under the radar, just trying not to get in trouble, annoy anyone or ask anyone for help. i also grew up having to provide for many of my own needs (like clothing, rent or transportation) at a much earlier age that i maybe should have. God has had to convince my heart in many ways to get me to believe i am valued, and that He delights in taking care of me.

the safety thing is huge. the lie that i'm not safe has deep connections to my offended sense of justice, and unless i make the choice to trust God, allows me to keep the walls around my heart so nobody can hurt me by refusing to act in justice. i can call the shots and i can make sure justice is served. but i'm sure you see where this leads. there can only be one God, and it's not me.

it's truly a warfare in the mind. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says, "We are human, but we don't wage war with human plans and methods. We use God's mighty weapons, not mere worldly weapons, to knock down the devil's strongholds. With these weapons we break down every proud argument that keeps people from knowing God. With these weapons we conquer their rebellious ideas, and we teach them to obey Christ." as God has shown me how to interrogate the thoughts in my head i've begun to see the lies that i trusted in for years be destroyed the light of what God says. because of this He has shown me how to trust people, even if they hurt me, and not to be overcome by my sense of injustice. He has given me the ability to build real true relationships in a church full of people that were as broken (some even more broken) than myself. tonight as we got together to celebrate a birthday i realized how safe i am, and how much i risked to be this safe. i lost my life, gave up control, and i'm suddenly aware of how safe and alive i truly am.