bittersweet

this may come out vague. i don't want to be too detailed because i'm talking about other people, but i really need to get some stuff out of my head. so here i am. i'm gonna try not to ramble.

friday night i was up until 2:30am on a 3+ hour phone call with a dear friend. among other things, we talked quite a while about someone we both love, but who has walked away from her faith. it's hard enough to have to see that, but she's in a bad space, depressed and making self-distructive choices that are outside of anything i thought she'd ever embrace. on top of that she seems to want to have nothing to do with me and won't return any contact i make with her, but has never said how or why or any of that.

these two i have known since we were kids, and they've lived through the exact same childhood traumas and abuses i have. one of the things that came up as my friend and i talked was that each of them sometimes get angry when they read my blog. that was a little strange to hear, but the reason was that they feel convicted by the things i write. the friend i was talking to said she get's mad at herself for not seeing people with more grace. our other friend can't get past how she was treated and is still angry at some of the same people i've chosen to forgive, which puts some of that same anger toward me. i don't think she reads my blog anymore, which i can understand in light of my other friend's confession.


i didn't really know what to do with that. as we talked my friend said that the ways she sees it, the injustices we endured in our various childhoods (can that be plural?) can either be treated as a weapon to be used against the people that hurt us, or can be used as a tool to grow, heal and become what we should be. she said that she saw that i used it as a tool, and i saw my father through eyes of grace, and she had trouble seeing her father that way. this was just a tiny part of our huge long conversation, but it's haunted me all weekend.

it's bittersweet to me. i've prayed so many prayers and cried so many tears before God, asking Him to help me see my father through His eyes. i've prayed and prayed to be like Jesus and let mercy win over judgement in how i view others. it blew me away to hear my friend say that because it means that God is answering, and other people see a tiny bit of God in me. the bitter part is the realization that not everyone wants to see God, or be reminded that He's there waiting for them to let go of the things that keep them from Him. the really really hard part is that i never thought it would be her.

life is choices laced together with time. every part of life is choices. the ability to be empty or fulfilled, happy or grumpy, forgiving or angry...these are all in our ability to make choices. i have had to chose to live in grace, chose to forgive, chose to defer my will to that of God and trust He sees the big picture better than i do. these are choices i have to continue to make every day. and yet the more i make them the easier they get until it's barely a second thought because i know i'm chosing peace and freedom. there are still days i'd rather be ruled by my over-developed sense of wounded justice, but i know where that leads, and i can't live that way anymore.

the hardest thing is to know she's angry at me, know that it's not anything i've done or can fix or change, and know that no matter how much i love her, encourage her and accept her she will still be angry and resentful until she decides to make different choices about what she does with her pain. i can't do anything to 'fix' it, it's all up to her. i have to continue on a path that leads me farther and farther from the path she has chosen. it's a really painful thing.