sad

a few minutes ago i was checking my email and i heard a loud *BOOM* that made me jump. it sounded like something hit the glass slider, i figured it was a bird. i went over to check it out and there was a pretty gray and red bird lying sideways on the gravel.

i wanted to help it if i could, but i didn't want to scare it into even more trauma. by the time i found a hand towel and went back out to try to help it had rolled over and it's feet were up.

i'm horribly soft. when i was about 17 my dad made me take a dead mouse out of the trap myself and i cried like a baby. it was so cute and i felt so bad for it! later, when a girl that was living with us knocked, from a high shelf, the caged gerbil she was supposed to be observing for a school project i was so distraught my stepmom came in and tried to pray for it while it was convulsing in my hands. and you should've seen me the time my dad hit a squirrel on the way to church.

now i'm 30 and i'm still a crybaby. i picked up the bird and could see that it was indeed dead, and that it had broken it's neck when it hit the window. poor little thing. i was talking to it, hoping it was just knocked out, but it never moved. it's a beautiful little thing, and it's sad that i couldn't see how beautiful it was until it was injured and then dead. it also seems sad that something so beautiful is so temporal. and if God put this much care into a little being that won't even be missed by anyone but it's nestmate, He must've been a little sad when it died.

and if that matters enough to me to make me cry, it must matter to God. and if something that small matters to God, than i matter to God. and if i matter to God then He cares that it made me cry to hold that pretty little bird in my hands and be the last one to feel the warmth of it's fleeting life. i don't understand death, pain and sadness, but somehow it makes me more certain of God's love for me. strange, isn't it? i'm sure there's some deep spiritual truth in there, His eye is on the sparrow and all that, but right now i'm just sad for the little bird.