telling

i really don't want to write about what i'm about to write about, which is why i'm writing about it. i've found a good rule of thumb for emotional health is to talk about whatever is hard to talk about, and that whatever makes it hard to talk about it is usually a feeling that God doesn't want me to have to live under the weight of. so i'm going to invert myself once again for the world to see because i'm so tired of feeling like i need to hide from myself and everyone else in this area of my life. here goes...

i'm 31 years old. i've spent more than 20 of those years significantly overweight, and this has been a source of much shame and humiliation for me, beginning with some of the male influences that had an impact in my growing up. significant male influences in my life had addictions that effected to objectify their view of women, and that viewpoint had an oppressive effect on me, making me feel like i was worth less because i was not attractive. (i'm trying to be tactful. forgive me if that wasn't quite clear)

having been the active youngest child that was 'always in trouble' growing up, i already had a complex about not measuring up, and felt that i was only lovable when i was perfect. when i started to gain weight around age 10 or 11 it enhanced and underlined my feelings of being inherently flawed. so i just stuffed that deep down inside and ignored those feelings as much as i could. how do you live with yourself when you feel that at the core of your being you're a flawed mistake that nobody loves except out of obligation?

i've battled with feeling worthless and unlovable my whole life, and spending all of the adult part of my life overweight has only deepened this. something i've just come to see is that it was easier to be overweight and have something on which to blame people not liking or loving me than it was to risk finding out that they don't love me regardless. it's never been something i've thought much about until recently. it's been too painful to go there, but lately God's been trying to talk to me about it all and i'm having to go there.

being overweight is not something someone consciously chooses, nor is it something that is always easy to gain mastery over. if it were easy there wouldn't be fat people in the world. i've been called lots of names, been treated much differently at job interviews than i was over the phone, been humiliated over ill-fitting work uniforms and cramped airplane seats and feel certain that i wouldn't be single still if i were not fat. (that last one i'm more or less ok with. even if i was hottie machotterty i still had too many wounds to be anything but self-protective in a relationship. thank God that He's spared some good man from that drama!) being the 'fat girl' has meant trying harder for the same things, feeling ashamed, feeling ugly, feeling judged and feeling a little bit less than everyone else.

God has walked me through much of the work of looking at the wounds of abuse, neglect, rejection and life's hard knocks, but even though being overweight is a symptom of the other wounds, it is the most daunting to deal with because of all that God and i have dealt with it is the thing for which i find i have the least amount of faith for change. i've done lots of diets and exercise programs, joined gyms and tried the workout videos. i finally got to the point that i gave up on all that and just tried to make good choices in general and hope it all works out. but it effects every interaction i have with people because i feel embarrassed, deep down, all the time. embarrassed that my butt's so big, embarrassed that my face is so chubby, that my tummy pooches out, that my clothes aren't pretty because the styles i like look so bad on my body, that my arms wabble or that i get out of breath sometimes when i'm walking when other people aren't. i feel sure that people are put off by my appearance and i feel perpetually apologetic for being fat.

i've tried for years to believe i didn't care so much about the way i look, but a couple days ago God showed me that i really do care, and i'm embarrassed and ashamed of my body. He also reminded me that where i was powerless at 10 or 11 to change my environment or face the brokenness in my own soul, i'm not powerless now. the work that God and i have done in my heart in the last 5 years has been a work of healing and restoration, but this is the thing that He was wanting to get at the whole time, my sense of my own value. abuse and neglect of my self is only the manifestation of the feelings that i'm not worth taking care of, and is contrary to what God says to me and about me, so it has to change. God is asking me to let Him go to this place in my life so guarded by shame and let Him walk me through learning to love what He loves.

so i'm going to be open about this part of my life because i don't want there to be any room for any lies to live in my head any longer. if i keep it to myself i never examine the thoughts, see their roots and let God take that lie out of my belief system. i don't want shame to get the better of me, and since shame has always silenced me before i'm going to speak up about this. pray for me. i'll need it.