empty

whoever said empty was a bad thing? we spend our whole lives putting into ourselves so that we don't have to see what's at the bottom.

but what if we did see it? what would happen? who would we find there? do we dare to risk that?

the last few years of my life have really brought that home to me. i cannot be successful, beautiful, likeable, reliable or worth anything of my own making. i've tried and it doesn't work, so i tried covering it all up, but i cannot change something when i don't know what it is, or if it's even really there. but the more aware of this i am the harder it seems to be to let go of the things i use to fill myself so that i don't feel empty.

because empty means i'm not in control

and if i'm not in control i'm not safe. and there were times in my life where i wasn't safe, and i can't let that happen again. so it's up to me to make myself full of whatever i think will make me seem however i should seem to be loved. wanted. safe. but i try to make it work and i find i can't do it.

you see, it's an ugly circle. it's the power of me. it only changes when God asks if He can pour me out and replace it with Him, and i say yes. and do you know what this is called?

holiness.

and you thought holiness was the absence of sin. it isn't perfection, it's transparency. it's being visible before God. not hiding anything, not having any secrets. it's what david was talking about in psalm 139:23-24 when he said, "search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."

the only way to get to that place is to risk. to trust. to take God at His word. to take a deep breath and let go. there's no safety in knee-jerk self protection. there's no healing in being in control just to make sure i don't ever get hurt again. as morganstern put it, "life is pain. anyone that tells you otherwise is selling something."

the only way to know the Father is to embrace the work of the cross and quit trying to make my own way. the Lord is talking to the church, not to the unsaved, when He says in revelation 3:20 "look! here i stand at the door and knock. if you hear me calling and open the door, i will come in, and we will share a meal as friends."

the call to emptiness is not a call to lack of existence, it's a call to relationship. to knowing the love of the God who longs to free us from the poison of our own choices and the choices of others. the emptiness is so that we will be transparent enough to reveal His light, His beauty, His love, His glory.

* * * * *

do i dare to take the Father's hand
not knowing where this path will end
believing He can truly see
through all this haze that's blinding me

and will i really trust the words He said
though they seem untrue when i look ahead
and will i let Him set me free
from the folly of trying to trust in me