remembering

yesterday was my little friend addam's deathday. is it okay to say it like that? four years ago we sat through the night around my friend's bed as she held her son for the final hours of his life. i'd seen death that close before, but it never felt like that before.

in many ways it seems like that just happened. four years really isn't that long. but when i think about who was in the room that night, and who is still around in our lives, it seems a lifetime ago. i find myself not just mourning the loss of addam, but also the choices of many of the people that were there that day.

this has been a hard season. for once it was other people who's lives were falling apart, and not mine. i found that in some ways it's harder to be support, especially when you're as insecure as i am. i've learned so much more about friendship and relationship than i would've if it was me going through those things. i've had to wait on God to fix things that have devastated the people that mean the most to me. things like spouses leaving. things like people making life-altering long-term destructive choices. things like close friends choosing men over God, or fear over trust.

the things i've had to learn this season will always be with me. God's given me some intense lessons in grace, in love without expectation, in fierce compassion and standing when you've done everything else and there's nothing left to stand on. i've finally begun to understand that God rarely moves in one big push. it's really a million little nudges, and if you're looking for them they really build your faith. and when you stop looking for them you can really get discouraged.

i can't help wondering where we'll be in four more years. i'm sure i'll look back at all the little nudges that God gave all of us and see the path of healing and reconciliation He brought about through it. i know we'll still be remembering addam. maybe missing him won't ache so much by then.