sorting

i'm in a season of sorting, and it's not my favorite place to be. i watched a travel show this morning getting ready for work, and it featured edinburgh. how i wish i was through the transition already, and plugging away at what God has for me to do there.

October is my favorite time of year in portland, but this year seems somehow less magical than other years. i feel distracted and unable to appreciate the beauty of the autumn around me. i have moments, but it doesn't seem the same. it's a bit disappointing, really. i'm just distracted with the feeling that i've been doing what i should, plugging away and even finding the joy of obedience in it, but not doing what i want, not waking out any dreams. God is truly blessing my obedience...after all, i did get to go to ecuador and the galapagos for work. but it was work, and it felt like work. to do it i moved my vacation to january, so i'm three months out from being in beautiful edinburgh.

on thursday i was offered a promotion, and i accepted. i'm now a supervisor. God is truly blessing me with favor and with financial provision, but i feel like i'm getting sucked into the machine, and the dreams of my heart and what God has for me in edinburgh and beyond are moving further away, like the proverbial carrot on a string. i ache for the dreams while i'm being made comfortable with life as i live it day-to-day.

and even as i ache i see so clearly how easy it would be to continue to work in this job i enjoy, collect an ever-bigger paycheck and spend my vacations hanging out in cities around the world, observing the work of others who have managed to walk out their dreams and destiny. comfort is my enemy because it has recently (and for the first time in my life) become my attainable friend.

i don't know how i'll be able to make moving to edinubrgh a reality because there are so many challenges to making it happen. raising support is the one that intimidates me most, because it requires me to live by faith. i'd rather not live by faith. i'd rather have a job and take care of myself, but God is making it more and more clear He doesn't want me to take care of myself, He wants to take care of me. i'm really struggling with it.

so as you see, i'm sorting through alot of things right now. i don't want to put my dreams off any longer. i'm not getting any younger. but i don't want to push something through just to do it. i want it to be right. i want it to be God. and i want it to be soon.