struggles

i'm having a bit of a hard time right now. i just finally admitted it to myself yesterday. i've not been sleeping well, have had an upset tummy for days and feel overwhelmed and uninspired.

this is when i least want to blog. this is when i most need to blog. i try not to think of people reading this, though i know they will, but at the same time there is a piece of freedom that can only be attained by admitting things to others that you don't want to admit to yourself.

right now my table (and surrounding area) are covered in things i've pulled out of storage containers and need to sort, store and chuck. i've been living in this apartment for about a year, with less than 400 square feet to my name. keeping organized and clutter-free is a constant process, and sometimes i get too ambitious and it overwhelms me in the end. as you can see from my photo, i'm in one such ambitious moment now.

in addition to that whole thing, there's been a drain leak in the building that is putting water in a little spot on my "hallway" floor. it's leaking inside one of the walls, and it needs to be fixed from the roof. the problem is that it has been raining (alot!) for the last three weeks or so since the leak started - which is why it's leaking. now my apartment, which generally smells a bit of the cigs from the chain smoker across the hall, now smells a bit musty and dank from the water spot. it's just adding to the general sense of decrepitude of my 'earthquake sympathy week' apartment. they were supposed to fix it yesterday, and it did stop raining. it snowed instead.

i'm very grateful for my promotion, but i have to say that work is non-stop. i've worked late every day since i was promoted. now that i'm in a supervisory position it's all problem-solving and coaching. the situations are not usually so difficult to resolve, it's the sheer volume of those situations that's the challenge. my brain is fried at the end of the day, and all i want to do is veg in front of the tv. couple that with coming home to a tornado, it's a bit too much.

but if i'm being honest with myself i have to admit that those are not the real issue. those are the distraction issues, and the real reason i'm feeling overwhelmed is that i'm facing alot of uncertainty, and i don't always handle that well.

someone was praying for me about a year and a half ago and they were impressed to remind me of phillpians 4:6&7, which says, "don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." they told me that they saw that i had a big heart for the nations, and that i had anxiety about how God was going to provide a way for me to do the things He'd put in my heart. this person encouraged me to trust that God has it all in His hands, and that it's up to God and not to me to make it work.

i was thinking about that today as i was crunching numbers to see how i'm paying for the upcoming trip. it's gonna be tight for a bit, but i'm trying to relax and realize this is the chance for me to see how God confirms what he's said to me. it's not like i'm just going to edinburgh in january for the heck of it. i'm going to continue to deepen relationships with those that i will be living alongside when i move there next year. i know this is God, but it's so hard to trust Him when so much about what He has for me there is still so unclear. i have to decide if i'm going to renew my apartment lease for another 6 months, which pushed my move out even further. i have to keep making chioces as if i know what i'm doing, when honestly i don't.

this is where i learn trust, to take my hands off it all, to pause and listen to Jesus tell me what He would have me choose. this is the battle i fight in my head and heart, when i have to remeber that i don't really know better than God. this is one of those moments i'll look back on and say, "how could i have doubted You, Jesus? it's obvious you were working this out all along".