strange

I woke this morning from a deep sleep, the alarm screaming at me from across the room, busting into a bizarre dream. It's the first night since I moved into this apartment that I haven't had my sleep interrupted at approximately 3:15am by the neighbour's music, and I really really wanted to keep on sleeping.

Life's been a little confusing lately. Nothing really pans out like we think it will, and even when we try not to create an expectation it still forms, in defiance of our efforts. I've had an idea of what my life would look like right now, and it doesn't look that way at all. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just different.

My dream this morning was, as I said, bizarre. It was my wedding day. I'm not one of those chicks that sits around thinking about getting married, so that in itself was a little strange. I was going to marry someone that in real life is a friend of a friend, and he's actually married in real life. He's not even my type - even if he was single. Anyway, it was my wedding day, and I was hanging out with a bunch of guys, including the groom-to-be, and I was feeling very unsure that going through with the wedding was a good idea. We barely knew each other, and we weren't in love. I was afraid to bring it up, but afraid not to.

One of the guys we were hanging out with was my friend Mike that died in '96. It was odd because he was aged as he would be if he were still alive...a bit of gray, a little heavier. I tried to talk to him, but it just wasn't happening since all the other guys were around. He just told me he thought it was great that I was getting married, and not to get too nervous.

As I sat there trying to figure out what to do I got an email from a friend in the UK on my blackberry (I don't actually have a blackberry) telling me that he wouldn't be a true friend if he didn't tell me that he had a really bad feeling about my marrying this guy, and to please reconsider. And then my alarm went off.

I woke up flustered, with a feeling of dread lingering. Strange how much a dream will effect you. As I thought about it today I thought it odd that I was the only girl in the dream. It was also strangely sad to think of Mike, and what he'd be up to today. I don't know that there's a deep meaning to this dream, but the way it stuck with me today I almost wonder...

Coming back from my trip has been intense. Aside from jet lag and being re-infected with the office cold (which I'm nearly over), work has been incredibly busy. It's a strange feeling to be keeping up. I've never had a job that was so demanding, but that I was able to hold my own in the midst of it. I still really like my job and love my downtown apartment. I still enjoy my church and my community. But being away from that on my trip as I was scouting out how to live out the dreams and passions God has burned in my heart felt so different. It isn't the 'safe' life, but it's the life I wish I was already living.

I'm finding it both easier and harder to wait, as part of me settles in and part of me gets more and more stir-crazy for these dreams in my heart. It's not happening the way I expected, but I'm sure when I look back I'll be grateful for that. I'm waiting as actively and purposefully as I know how, but I'm still waiting...something I'm not so good at. Maybe my dream was about that; walking away from what looked to be what I wanted because in my heart of hearts I knew it was a counterfeit destiny. It's hard to part with what you thought you wanted with no back-up dream.