neglect
Sorry I've been off the blog for a while. Not that you're hanging on my every word or anything, but I have neglected my little patch of cyberspace. My life has officially gotten crazier than it has ever been before, with my job demanding - and getting - more of me than I thought any job I had ever would. At one point last week I actually wondered if I could crawl under my desk for a quick cry and get away with it. I went out with the chick posse for Thai food after work instead. See how capable and able to cope I am!
It's finally starting to feel like summer is coming. Today is Memorial Day, the first bank holiday of the year that people actually barbecue. Kind of a bizarre way to honor the wartime fallen, now that I think about it. But anyway, we're supposed to get our first heat wave this week with some 90º(30ºc) days ahead. I have had an awesome three-day weekend of naps, TV and happy hour (twice) with friends. I desperately needed the whole three days to decompress from recent insanity at work. It should get better this week. Here's hoping.
I think another reason I haven't really been blogging much lately is that I've been processing some tough stuff and didn't want to blog because I knew I'd talk about it, and I wasn't quite ready to do that. It's been hard this year because the door has closed (for now) on my moving to Edinburgh and I've had to look at yet another dream slip through my fingers. It's happened so many times in my life, and I thought I'd finally moved past it, only to find myself in this place again.
The disappointment was nearly crippling for a while there, more than I was willing to talk about or blog about. I've had some pretty intense conversations with God, the tone of which I've never had with Him before, asking Him things like why He would put those dreams in my heart if He was just going to waive them in front of me like a carrot on a string and not let me have them. And of course it has become about much more than just that one thing, it has become the time that God and I are working through the pain and disappointment from all the things I knew I should've had in my life that I haven't or don't, going right back to even the early years of my life. I know, in spite of my disappointment, that God put the dreams in my heart for a reason, He loves me and His timing is best, but it's still sometimes hard to believe these things will ever come to be. I feel like this is the process of letting God be everything to me, and letting Him mean more to me than my dreams.
So I don't know what is next for me, and frankly I'm a bit unwilling to make any sort of plan. For now I'm just working hard at my job, trying to save some money, staying involved in my community and staying current with the people in my life. That's all I can manage right now. Any other planning in my life for a while will consist only of where I'll go on my next vacation. When it's time I know the doors will open with out my forcing it.
So there it is, now you know what's up with me and I can blog honestly again.
5 comments:
I realize you probably know this but you aren't alone in your questions and disappointment.
I am a big dreamer myself. I have lots of dreams that I believe God is in, yet the are stalled out somewhere.
It's hard to keep dreaming when you feel like so many haven't come true.
But keep pressing on and know that your honesty with God and others is refreshing and helps teach others the beauty of a relationship with God.
Thanks for your honesty, its great to read you just working through all those different emotions and questions with God, at the end of the day I think that is what it s all about.
Hey Sheen, it sounds like the current plan is a good one to me - sometimes we have to live in the silence of just getting up every day and trying to be faithful to our simple calling.
Have you read 'God on Mute' yet? Could be a good read for you right now...
Sheena bambeena, this is strange but this morning in the shower, I felt this block in my heart that I couldn't explain and i had no words in me to say. When i asked God to help me, what came out was this: Dream for me, Dream for me, cuz I have no strength. Dream for me, Dream for me, You're the Potter, I'm the clay.. I had no idea that this was going on with you, but Sheena, rest assured that His dreams for you are bigger than your own and if we give Him the time, He will stun our hearts with how He fulfills the dreams He's placed within...and of course you know you're hearing this from a girl still trapped in her house watching every ache and every longing dance painfully before her eyes only to be whisked away upon the wings of the morning far beyond her reach...is He enough for me? I hope and pray He's enough for me? But I also must not stop believing that life will not always be this way...but that what He has said He will perform in my life according to His good pleasure and GREAT love.
Sheena - I'm hearing you. If you don't mind sharing what were the reasons you couldn't make it to Scotland? If you do mind that's okay too.
I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago - most of the reason being that God simply wouldn't give me a moment's peace about the relationship and we seemed to be going in different directions. I'm really angry with God right now as I'm turning 34 this month and I can't understand why he is making me give up something that I want. I'm actually very unhappy being single and I realise I am a better person in a relationship. It was wonderful being in one.
I was just listening to Steve Chalke give a talk yesterday about how Job's friends expended a lot of hot air giving him useless advice so I'm not going to do that. I will just cry with you my sister.
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