home

They say home is where the heart is. I think that's one of those things we've heard all our lives and don't realize how deep it is. I've always thought that meant that wherever you are in the world you will only feel at peace if you are in the one place your heart loves most. I'm seeing it a little differently now.

If I've learned anything in my 32 years of youth I've learned that life comes down to the sum of our choices. Even when we flounder and refuse to make conscious choices, we are in fact making the choice by default to let other people or things make choices for us.

I've been thinking alot lately about the choices I've made over the last several years, and I realized that I've become the kind of person who's choices I admired 10 years ago. There were things that were of core importance to me, things I wanted in my own life but didn't know how to get them. Some of these things were emotional health, they involved kicking down the things that intimidated me from reaching my dreams. Getting out of foodservice and into a job I enjoyed. Having a community that loved me for who I am, not who I could be, and still encouraged me to grow and become better. And travel...to see as much of the globe as I could. All while knowing and loving Jesus more and more.

Today I put on the Keens I bought last September in a store I didn't used to think I would be able to afford to shop in regularly, with money I could afford to spend because of my decent-wage job that I love, so that I would have hiking shoes for the Galapagos portion of the hotel/ship inspection trip to Ecuador my work paid me to go on. Something clicked in my heart as I stared at the oh so comfy now-broken-in shoes. I'm favored of God. I am favored of God.

I thought about the struggle I've had this year with disappointment, and how God has held my hand as I protested against His perfect plan, and I just had to smile. It's like a little girl who doesn't want to go somewhere, and her daddy takes her hand. She fights it for a bit, but when she catches his smiling face looking down on her she stops struggling and smiles too...half at him and half at her silly protest. Because deep down she knows that wherever he is, that's where she wants to be. And there's her choice.

And there's my choice. I love being here with Him, even if this isn't the 'here' I thought I'd be right now. I love that even with my affection drawn to another city, God still kept His love for this city alive deep in my heart. I love that He has given me the courage, strength, relationships and whatever else I needed to keep choosing Him - even and especially when it was difficult and painful. And now I'm realizing that I've been places and done things that never occurred to me to even think I'd do, and I have a life that is more grounded and full of peace and love than I thought I would ever be able to have.

And this is what gives me faith and peace about the next season of my life. I have no idea what it holds, but I chose to make my heart at home wherever my Beautiful Jesus takes me, so long as He's there. So I guess I could say that His heart is where my home is.