patience

I'm having a hard time with patience today. I knew there would be days like this, but I'm usually good navigating them. But today I don't have the energy.

Today was a good church service, and God spoke through several people to several people about how we are created with purpose, and not to be bogged down with the fear or discouragement that comes when we buy into the lie that we don't have a purpose. There was also a specific call to step out of fear and embrace the destiny that God has revealed to you, even if you feel like it's so big it would be crazy to embrace it, because how could it ever come to be? These themes were so awesome, and hearing them so needed by so many in my church family. I'm grateful for God's goodness in bringing faith to my church for our own lives.

My struggle right now is not with believing God has great and amazing things for me, or with being afraid of what He has for me. Mine is that I know and see that He has amazing things for me, but I can't ever get there. I have such a hard time with the waiting. My heart aches with it. The nations call out to me and I can't answer right now. My purpose and passions have not even begun to be walked out, and I don't know what all the waiting is for. I just want to get to it.

It isn't that I don't love Portland or my church or the things I'm doing here. It's not that I'm sitting around waiting for something to happen while my life passes me by. I'm waiting as actively as I can, taking every chance to learn, grow and embrace what I know I need. But no matter how actively I wait, it's still waiting. I wish I could at least turn off the longing for these dreams if I can't pursue them right now. I just need a lot of patience right now, and I don't seem to have any. Lord help me.