honesty

this one's gonna be a bit serious. i think if we keep weakness to ourselves it gives room to the enemy, so i put myself out there because it removes his power in my life. i hope nobody is bothered by my honesty.

i've mentioned before i had quite a difficult childhood. the overall result was a feeling that who i am and what i bring to the world is flawed and just not good enough. i'm not going to go into all the things that the enemy used to enforce this, i'll only say that from my infancy i was neglected, abused and abandoned.

the point of this confession is not to illicit pity, but to be able to say that God has been so faithful to me, and in ways i've clearly seen since early childhood. if He had not captured my heart from a very early age it is doubtful i would be alive today. His Fatherheart nurtured me when nobody else did, and gave me a tenacious spirit that He used to keep me chasing Him. This has been my salvation.

the last two and a half years of my life have been a journey of healing. God brought relationships to my life 'safe' enough for me to be honest about my flaws (not that they weren't obvious anyway) and admit that i can't make it on my own. Through these relationships He brought situations and moments that forced me to face some very difficult memories, and let God into them. in these moments, without fail, God has shown me the lies of the enemy on which i built my belief system about who and what i am. it's been a lot of very hard work, but for the first time in my life i feel hope and joy about who God created me to be.

this brings me to right now. i'm learning alot about the work of shame. it's not always associated with what you have done. it's often rooted in the lies about our worth that were re-enforced in the actions of others toward us. my personal 'coping mechanism' with shame is to avoid those things that make me feel that way. this usually results in me feeling more shame when things blow up.

say for example something goes wrong with my car. i don't know how to fix it, and i don't have a husband, brother, boyfriend or father that i can ask for help. i have to take care of it myself. suddenly the enemy reminds me that i've had to take care of myself for as long as i can remember, because nobody thought i was worth caring for. then i start to feel overwhelmed because it's all on my shoulders and if i ask for help it will be clear that i'm trying to be grown-up and i just can't cut it. so i just ignore the problem with my car because it's easier than feeling the shame. then my car gives out because i didn't take care of whatever was wrong with it, and i'm left feeling foolish for not dealing with the car while it was manageable, and more ashamed than ever that i can't seem to deal with my every-day life.

this is the way i've dealt with life my whole life. now that God has spent the last few years healing my heart and showing me what it is to interrogate my thoughts through the truth of His Word, He's teaching me to expose the shame that's been tucked away and accumulating in my soul my whole life, and trust that He was telling the truth when He said "No one whose hope is in God will ever be put to shame".