thoughts

i've come to realize i don't communicate the things in my heart (maybe this is why i'm such a crybaby!). it's the residue of growing up in an environment where you are not free to speak your mind or disagree. it makes you hesitant to express anything important; it feels too risky.

God has been challenging me about this under the broad umbrella of not living in the shadow of the fears and habits of 'survival'. at our dhop retreat my friend kathleen prayed for me and gave a picture of a bird with a broken wing. she said she saw me as that bird, but my broken wing had been mended so i could fly again. she admonished me not to look back at what kept me from flying, to quit trying to figure it out, but just go for it and fly.

what an accurate picture. the more i thought about this the more i realized how i do still in many ways live in the mindset that i can't fly. the more i think about who i am, and about what God has told me about what He has for my life, the more excited i am about exploring flight. to be perfectly honest, i'm a bit tired of looking inward. it feels self-absorbed, and i'm still learning the balance. i don't want to be the one that looks in the mirror, walks away and forgets what they see, but i also don't want to be the one that is so focused on 'improving myself' that i don't see anyone else.

keeping me afraid to speak my heart has been a sly device of the enemy that has also kept me from talking freely about my beautiful God. i've been such a chicken about it, and i just can't go on keeping the indescribable amazingness of His beauty and love to myself. i'm really convicted about this.

so i am working to be more honest with those around me about my God, my opinoins, feelings, dreams and thoughts. my prayer is that God will honor my desire to share my heart inspite of fear, and somehow reveal His heart and beauty through this.