cardigan
today i was feeling so fragile. strange considering how amazing this weekend was. i was with friends i love that love me, doing things i'm passionate about. but last night something struck me. just an odd feeling that i couldn't quite put my finger on.
it stayed with me through today. i should be out-of-my-mind excited about some of the things that went on this weekend (have i got an insane story for you later. a lady from china happened upon my church yesterday, came over with a mob of us aferward and we led her to the Lord...in spite of the fact that she speaks almost no english. it was wild!), but instead i was cranky and frustrated, feeling this unsettling hanging over my head.
as i got home tonight i spent some time with God trying to figure it out. i realized that i feel like i skipped something in my life. i know i'm loved and cared about, but i feel so unimportant and comfortable. not the 'lukewarm' kindof comfortable, but the 'i have no sparkle' comfortable. the 'oh, that's just sheena' comfortable. i realized that i feel like the worn out cardigan with patched elbows in a world of ballgowns. i want, just for a while, to be a ballgown. i want to be beautiful, but instead i'm comfortable.
i had a long talk (and cry) about it with God. somehow i went from little kid to motherly without the princess stage that should go between. i try not to compare myself with all the beauty around me, by sometimes i'm overwhelmed by how little i glitter. i never realized it until today. but when God and i were talking about it He said, "don't you feel better in your favorite patched sweater than squeezed into a ballgown?" i said yeah, but that was the problem. only a blind man would find the sweater more beautiful. but He told me that's exactly the reason i am the cardi and not the ballgown. i'm surrounded by the blind. if they didn't know me they might never know beauty.
hmmm. not what i want, but i have to be okay with it, because i can't have and be what i am not. i have to trust God that the things He thinks are beautiful really are...un-distorted by a human point of view. i have to let it go and not be so unhappy with what i'm not that i can't see the value of what i am. i have to leave it alone and not try to fix it. that, my friends, is painful.
7 comments:
oh Sheena...if only you could see this beauty. you are one of THE MOST unique and beautiful people I know. Think of this, my almost 14 year old daughter who is consumed with nice clothes, fancy nailpolish and "just the right hairstyle" and who thinks being a model for one of her favorite stores would be just so cool, would rather spend time with you than any other "not so grown up" grown up she knows. She sees something in you that is closer to the reality of what she wants to be when she is your age than what the world shows her, even though she gets sidetracked by the world's show....does that make sense? I just want you to know we see so much more of what God sees in you and of what those around you see than you see for yourself....I understand how you can feel this way (looking rather frumpy and gray at 40 has this effect on the emotions too), but I would NEVER think of you as a cardigan :-)
I'm not a fan of dresses much. They're too froofrooey. If you know what I mean o.O But, like, they're totally non-functional. You can't do anything in them, you're always scared of getting it dirty... pretty much all they do is look nice. And I don't even think they look that special. Call me weird (please), but I think ballgowns are pretty lame. You, on the other hand, are not. I don't know anyone that's like... oh, it's just Sheena. You're awesome and amazing and beautiful in your own right, which is way better than cramming into some societaly-inspired bs of a mold that says it makes you beautiful. All that would do is make you the same. But you're not the same, you're Sheena, and there's no one like you. Have confidence in yourself, and who God has made you to be, because that's where true beauty is found. Sheena, a cardigan... psh! I heart teh Sheena :) <3
thank you guys. (thank you seems like lame words right now. not quite strong enough) i think life is like a bad hair day. it's not as bad as you think, and you don't have to look at yourself. i guess i needed to hear what you guys said. thank you. xo
Love the picture. You just can't beat a good cardigan!
Sheena-beana, O fairest among women, O lily among thorns, O undefiled one, your unwavering gaze ravishes the heart of a King. It is not the glitter or glamour or seeming outward beauty that turns the eye of this jealous Lover, but the simplicity of a heart in love that catches and holds this man.
Since I have come to know you Sheena, I see the Holy Spirit forming you and working in your heart grace and wisdom and all of the things that are of matchless worth in His eyes.
Who can put a value on a heart like Sheena's? What man can say that this one has no beauty? There is none that is worthy to judge this, because their judgment is not just and true...Oh but the Faithful witness that has stood and looked and judges rightly has said that Sheena is lovely..Sheena is beautiful...Sheena is mine!!!
sheena, you're so funny. all I can say is, you know you're cool
and if the world doesn't think you're cool then it's okay, cause what can the world offer you anyways? salvation is not found in man, the opinion of our father is all that truly matters, and He thinks that we are cool. heh, talk to you later my friend
"i realized that i feel like the worn out cardigan with patched elbows in a world of ballgowns."
This is a brilliant metaphor. I love it.
I don't really know you Sheena, but I want to share with you about a time I had last year. I was feeling so ordinary and dull, like a "worn out cardigan with patched elbows in a world of ball gowns." I despised my ordinariness.
Then somehow, in that place of living out the daily grind Jesus showed up. And I discovered He really loves ordinary people like me. He made so many ordinary people living out ordinary lives day after day. And it seemed to me, maybe it was my imagination, that He is thrilled with the ordinariness of our lives and how He can reveal His amazing, extraordinary love through them. That's what it seemed to me anyway.
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