remiss

i've been a slacker lately when it comes to my blog. as you can see from my last two posts, life's been a bit challenging lately. i've been in a cloud the last two weeks and i'm only now starting to feel my head clear. it's been such a funk that i haven't even wanted to blog! that's pretty bad for me.

i turned thirty this past january. i'd heard lots of things about what thirty would be like. of all the things people said i think my friend rachael's statement rings truest with me. she said that she didn't feel like a grownup until her thirtieth year. i just thought she meant she was beginning to feel old. now i find myself thinking the same thing.

up to now i've always felt i was going through the motions of a functioning adult member of the general public. i made choices based i what i believed was expected of me, weather to comply with those expectations or to try to get out from under them. lately i realized that i've begun make choices out of my expectations for myself. i'm in this strange place where i've gotten to know myself so well that i'm actually comfortable in my own skin. that's a bit new to me, and i find i rather like it.

the past two weeks have been an odd roller coaster for me considering my newfound feeling of liking myself more than i ever used to. it's been strange to be face-to-face again with old insecurities that have tried to re-attach themselves to my brain. it's been so strange to have to put to rest (again) things i dealt with and (for the most part) laid to rest a year or two or more ago.
it's been a good reminder to continue to do the work of keeping thoughts in check. every belief starts with a single thought, so it's vital to know what goes on in my head. i can't afford to waste the next thirty years on false belief systems that keep me distracted from my destiny and frustrated with myself.

the biggest lesson that came out of the last two weeks was to trust God with how i'm perceived. all my life i tried to control that. i tried so hard to cover my flaws and hide my insecurities, to the point that i didn't even have true friendships because i couldn't risk my heart with any more rejection or disapproval. God reminded me of that in the last two weeks, as i feel i've 'fallen from grace' (over something that may turn out to be all in my head after all) in the eyes of people who's opinions are important to me.
God really challenged me to trust Him to defend my name - or not defend my name - according to His desires. Beyond that, and harder still, He's challenged me to let it go and not allow myself to be anxious over it, and not let it effect my love and grace towards those friends. i was reminded again of how foolish it is to try to read someone else's mind or gage what they think of me. it's not going to destroy my life if i'm misunderstood...or even disliked. it is going to destroy my life if i keep focusing my energy and emotion on trying to get everyone to think i'm cool.

i don't know if i'm saying this all very well, but i can't worry about it since i'm not to stress too much about being misunderstood. :-D
after all it's not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things, is it? the more i try to 'fix' it the worse it usually comes out anyway. better, always, just to trust God and keep going.