transportation

So now that I've moved into the house I'm on public transportation, and therefore given much more opportunity for bizarre bus-stop conversation. This past weekend was one of the strangest - and most amusing, I might add - bus stop conversations I've had since I began taking public transportation at the age of 7. Here's how it went down...

I'm waiting for the bus and I get a call from my friend Kathleen and she offers to pick me up and give me a ride home since she's out running errands anyway. I'm happy with that so I agree to stay at the bus stop until she can meet me there. Just after that a man gets off the bus with a baseball cap and half-smoked cigarette stub in one hand and a can of Milwaukee's Best in the other (Milwaukee, is that really your best?). It was clear he was somewhat inebriated and he wandered over to a girl who was talking loudly on her cell phone about personal stuff (love that one) and asked her for a light, which she promptly gave him before wandering away.

So here's a 40 to 45 year-old, slightly inebriated man with nobody to talk to but me while we wait. He decided to begin our dialogue by walking to the corner of the bus shelter (I was fortunately not sitting on the bench under that shelter) and announcing he hopes I don't mind if he takes a quick pee. I was super tired from our 31-hour return drive the day before from Kansas City and I was a bit less 'filtered' than I usually am about these things, so the conversation went like this -

Him (over his shoulder): "I hope you don't mind - I just need to pee real quick."
Me: "Oh no! Dude...you CANNOT pee there right in front of me! You need to hold it."
Him (again, over his shoulder): "But I gotta! I can't wait!"
Me: "Dude, that's disgusting. I can't believe you're just going to pee right there! Where's the respect?"
Him: "I got respect, I just have to pee. I can't help it."
Me: "Then I'm going to walk down here. I don't need to look at that."
Him (finishing up with a big sigh. Ewww!): "I got respect. Don't be mad at me." At this point he came over to where I was standing.
Me (putting my hands in the air and taking a step back): "I'm not mad but I am NOT shaking your hand! Not after that!"
Him (in a pleading tone): "I promise I won't try to shake your hand. Just don't be mad at me. Do you like black men?"
Me: "What?! Um...I guess. If I like a guy I don't really care if he's black, white or purple if he's got high standards for himself"
Him: "So you got a boyfriend?"
Me: "Nope"
Him: "Really? You don't got a boyfriend? Why not?"
Me: "My standards are too high"

At this point he outstretched his hands as if to indicate himself as an option to end my singleness.

Me: "I'm sorry Dude - I don't date guys that pee at bus stops"
Him: "What? I don't usually (again, pleading) I just hadta go. I promise I'll never pee at another bus stop again"
Me: "It's too late. I already saw you and I just can't bring myself to date someone who peed at the bus stop"
Him "But you're hot. (Why do only drunk men tell me that?) I promise I won't do it again. I had my back to you. At least I didn't whip out the snake in front of you"

The snake? Disgusting man. It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. I was starting to wonder if I was really having this conversation or if I was on some hidden camera show.

Me: "And I thank you for that. It would've made an inappropriate situation even MORE inappropriate"
Him: "Seriously, why can't I have your number? I need a girlfriend"
Me: "Well then you'll have to stop peeing at bus stops. Girls don't like that"
Him: "But I had to go! What would you do if you had to go?"
Me (in a slightly offended and very adamant tone): "I wouldn't pee at the bus stop! My momma raised me right!"

Then Kathleen called to see where I was because she drove past the bus stop and didn't see me. I answered the phone and he started talking to me...
Him: "Oh...you don't got a boyfriend, eh? (with a big knowing grin and nod toward my phone) That's your boyfriend!"
Me (finishing my call): "No, that's my friend. She's giving me a ride. I told you I don't have a boyfriend"
Him: "Ohhhh....SHE. I see!"
Me: "Yes, she. SHE is my RIDE"

That's when Kathleen pulled up. I turned to say goodbye to him and give him some parting advice...
Me: "Have a good night. Don't pee at anymore bus stops. Remember, girls don't like that"

Gotta love public transportation.