Moored

This picture really sums up my life lately. I'm not sure how that little boat feels about being moored up by that massive and unyielding chain, but maybe it doesn't mind so much as you'd think. When I took this photo last summer I was thinking how badly this little boat must wish it were out bobbing the waves rather than stuck on the end of a big rusty chain. Now I look at it and think maybe the little guy is happy for a bit of calm in a familiar place where he knows what's going on and what to expect.

I've been back in Portland since late August, and all the while hoping to get right back to the UK and to the life I've only just begun to establish and settle into. I've now been back as long as I was in the UK, but it feels like the time at home has gone so much faster than the time in England. I've been amazed to discover the level of patience I seem to posses. When I got here I was chomping at the bit to get back as soon as I could and get on with things. I tried not to let myself get frustrated thinking about it all. My biggest asset in that struggle has been my sometimes-annoying tendency to 'look on the bright side'. I've had the amazing blessing of leaving the world I've always known behind for a bit, then having the chance to come back to it for a season with the new, fresh eyes that experience affords.

Being back here with friends and family has been an amazing blessing, but I won't lie and say it's been easy. I've only just found work, and I've been living off next to nothing for 5 months. I honestly didn't think I could live on so little. Being poor is hard work. It's also been a bit hard on my heart trying to spend as much time as I can manage with the people I love. I drink it in knowing I'm going to have to live off these memories for a long time. But honestly, this is the part of being 'moored' here that I don't mind. This time is a gift and I don't want to waste it. My 84-year-old Grammy and I are taking a trip in a month. We're both well aware that we will likely not have another opportunity to do something like this. I so treasure the time I have with her in her twilight season of life.

Looking ahead to the next couple months and heading back to the UK, I am excited about what the future holds, though I know it will continue to challenge me. I look forward and know I'll be facing many insecurities in the near future. Insecurities about how I'm perceived, about whether I can really manage to establish myself without always feeling like an outsider. Insecurities about being lumped in with how many Europeans feel about America, and not let the frequent criticism get to me. Insecurities about whether I'll be able to stay connected to people I love back here when I'm not in their every-day lives. For now I'm free from those worries and just have to deal with a familiar world. It's a good break, but for all that I still can't wait to be untied from this mooring and get back to the adventures that lie before me.