Confident

Last week I went to check out The Arts Collective as I'm trying to come to terms with seeing myself as an artist. The guest artist for the night was a gentleman by the name of Israel Oyelumade. Israel shared part of a quote from Marianne Williamson's book, A Return To Love, that I've actually heard before, but for some reason last night it really, really struck a chord with me. So I went home and looked it up. This is the full quote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Why I suddenly get this now and I didn't before I can't say, except that I must finally be ready to hear it. I've struggled for so many years to be able to be confident in who I am and comfortable with the gifts God has woven into me. I felt pierced to the heart with the part that says “Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.” It was sobering to admit to myself that this is exactly what I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember. To say (or type) “I sing well” or “I write well” is really uncomfortable for me, even when I know it’s true. The truth is that I am one of the most creative people I know, and I do many, many things well.

There were situations in my childhood that made it important for me not to feel like I stood out, but now I’m in the awkward position of having to ask myself why, and the answer is a bit like two sides of a coin. First is that it was safe – if nobody noticed me they wouldn’t notice if I wasn’t meeting their expectations or demands. Second was maybe a bit lazy – that if nobody knew what I was capable of then I would never be required to do anything about it, and therefore never disappoint anyone.

The truth is that deep down, somewhere I’ve tried to ignore for as long as I can remember, I do believe I can be "brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous", and actually already am to some degree. I do believe that God’s glory is meant to shine out of me, and that’s why He put within me part of His nature – the ability to create: To take something in my head and give it form. To turn silence into a sound that evokes emotion. To reflect the beauty of my Father God in a way that someone can experience that might not see it otherwise.

So I’m choosing to learn to be confident about who and what I am, starting with all I’ve just written, without fear of what it will require of me or whether or not it feels safe. I am creative - full stop. I am a singer, poet, writer, photographer, visual artist, and (most importantly) a child that reflects the beauty and nature of my Father in Heaven.